Doggies' Day Out

I had an unexpected visitor the other day
Anyone who knows me knows I love dancing and wanted to be a dancer before I got involved with drugs, alcohol and food
I used to teach hip-hop to kids but had to stop due to illness
So this girl called on to my house to inquire about getting dance lessons one on one as she couldn't find any dance groups to join in this area
She is 15 and such a sweetheart
She reminded me of me when I was her age, so keen and eager to learn
I asked her if any of her friends were interested in dancing and she said most of them are only interested in getting drunk or high at the weekend
I told her I thought she was great to not get sucked in to that and was impressed how determined she was to dance
I studied ballet and jazz from the age of 10 -16
I loved it and it was my whole life
I ate, slept and breathed dancing
But once I turned 16 it wasn't cool to be a dancer and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I began to lose interest in dancing
I also started dabbling in drugs and so I gave up ballet completely
It is my one major regret in life that I gave it up
I often wonder how different my life would've been if I'd carried on
Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I'm teaching hip-hop
I had no knowledge of this type of dance so I got out loads of DVD's and taught myself
But overnight I lost my confidence and was starting to lose weight again so I gave it up
Looking back I don't know how I managed to teach for 2 years, I can't imagine doing that now
I just don't have the confidence or the self belief
Anyway I told the girl I would think about it and I'll ring her next week
Part of me would just love to do this
To dance again would be a dream come true
But I am also terrified
If I do this I want to do it right, for her sake and mine
I am going away to Cork for few days next week so I will think about it then
What do you think I should do?
If you were me would you do it?

As I said in my last post, my older sister is home from Sydney and we get on like a house on fire
She has been living in Sydney for the last 10 years so I only get to see her once every couple of years
She really is a good influence on me and when we're together we're always laughing
She is 10 years older than me so we only really started to get on in the last few years
When we were younger all we did was get drunk and get off our faces
But now neither of us drink or use
She is a real go getter and always want to be on the go and doing something
So she decided she wanted to go swimming in the sea and talked me in to going with her
Bear in mind I live in Ireland, so even though it's summer here at the moment it's not that hot
So we donned rashies and board shorts and headed for our local beach with my 2 dogs in tow
My sister ran straight in but I was more cautious and slowly moved out deeper and deeper
I finally mustered the courage to put my shoulders under and as the icy water hit me I shouted out
'Mother-fucker' at the top of my lungs
Cue disapproving looks from mothers and fathers
It was lovely though and my dogs also swam with us
The water was so cold it took my breath away and I hot footed it back out to the shore
I felt great after it though, revitalised and energised

My brother is also staying here for a few days and my aunt is coming on Sunday so the house is getting pretty full
This means my routine is all of out whack
I usually do the same thing everyday at the same time (yes I am that sad)
But now my routine is out the window as there are so any people around
I love that my sister is so spontaneous, I'd love to be that way
She just gets an idea to do something and goes and does it
I on the other hand, would have to plan days ahead in order to anything
Also as regards food
She love food just like I do and she's a great cook
She eats whenever she's hungry and doesn't when she's not
I wish I could be like that
I can't even identify when I'm hungry anymore
It's strange having so many people in the house
Usually I dread the thought of people being around
My eating disorder likes to be alone and it makes binging and purging difficult
But I find that I am enjoying there being a bit of life about the place
The sound of laughter and chatter is lovely
I even find that my mood had improved
It's only when I'm feeling better that I realise how depressed I was
Is this what happiness feels like?
I'm not sure as I've not felt happiness in such a long time
I am the youngest of 4 and yes I would say I am spoiled
Not with material things as such but with attention
I get on great with everyone in my family and I am always going to be the baby
Because I was given so much attention growing up, I think I am always looking for attention or more like validation and acceptance
I have always wanted to be liked and loved and because of this became a social chameleon, changing my personality to suit the person I was with
If I was with a quiet person, I too would become quiet like them
If I was with someone who was loud and boisterous, I too would be loud
From an early age I was fascinated with accents, mainly because I thought I didn't have one and I love the way you could identify someone and where they came from by their accent
I really just wanted to be accepted and to belong so I would change my accent to fit in
When I lived in Dublin I acquired a Dublin accent
When I went to London I tried to sport a cockney twang
Growing up I also tried to belong somewhere
I tried to fit in with the hippies, the goths and the geeks and finally found acceptance with the drug crowd
But of course that world was a web of lies
I've tried so long to blend in but as I get older I see that differences are what make us interesting
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same
How boring would that be?
So I am learning to embrace my quirks and foibles
I like to be different
I don't want to be a clone of someone else, I want to be me
There are very few people  that I feel totally comfortable around to be me
I feel comfortable around my family in particular and very few others
My sister is someone who I love to be around as I can say or do anything and I know that she won't judge me
I can be my absolute batshit crazy self around her and I know she won't bat an eyelid
I've slowly but surely pushed away all the people who I don't feel comfortable around

I was wondering about you
Are you like me and change your personality to suit others?
Are there many people you feel totally comfortable around?

Anyway, here are today's photos at my local beach

Enjoy...............

Fear and Loathing in Sydney

I was supposed to ring Mary this week but I still haven't done it
Not that I don't want to see her but she will weigh me and I just can't face it
I don't know if I've gained but it wouldn't surprise me after spending 10 days in the pizza and pasta capital of the world
My mood is good since I've been home and I know that's because my sister is here
She lives in Sydney but she is home for 2 weeks
We get on like a house on fire and crack each other up
My mother and I are going over to her for Christmas this year with the option of staying for 3 months on the holiday visa
I've been to Sydney once before but it almost ended in disaster
I had moved here 8 months previously and was supposed to be drug and alcohol free but I was having sneaky drinks on the side
My sister was also drinking quite heavily
One night I decided to try and find the local NA meeting
I found it but it was over so I sat for a while outside the community centre to people watch
Some people were setting up a free food stall for the homeless and it was attracting a big crowd
Of course I especially noticed all the drug addicts and dealers
All of a sudden a hit of heroin seemed very appealing so I approached a fella who sent me over to another guy
He said he was going to his friends flat and they were going to score so I decided to go with him
Looking back this was an incredibly stupid thing to do
These lads could have robbed me, beaten me or worse
Anyway we arrived at his friends flat and started talking about getting some crystal meth
I had never taken it before and didn't want my first time to be with strangers so I tried to talk them in to getting heroin but they were having non of it so I reluctantly agreed to get the meth
They rang their dealer and of course he took forever and a day to get to the flat
Looking back on my drug career I see that I spent most of my time waiting for people who were in absolutely no rush to come and meet me
Anyway the dealer finally arrived and the 2 lads proceeded to shoot up the meth
I had no clean syringe so I mixed some in water and drank it (not the right way to take meth)
By this time it was getting late and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there so I walked home
I arrived home to my sisters apartment and I felt like everything was in fast forward
I became very paranoid that my family would cop on that I was out of my face so I went upstairs
The paranoia became worse and I was convinced my family knew so I tried to avoid them, not easy in
a one bed apartment
There wasn't a hope of me sleeping that night so I sat outside all night chain smoking
The next morning I was already craving more so I went down to the bins where I had dumped the bottle I had mixed the meth in and fished it out
It took me nearly 3 days before I felt normal again
I am so glad I haven't come across crystal meth in this country as it is highly addictive and has the added bonus of loss of appetite
So this is why I am slightly nervous to go to Sydney this year
I am clean off drugs a couple of years now but I'm not complacent about my recovery, I know how quickly a relapse can sneak up on someone
I was just reading about the Rausling case In England
Such a heartbreaking story
Hans Rausling was the heir to the Tetrapak fortune
He met his wife Eva in drug treatment in 1989 and they married in 1992
They both managed to stay clean for the next 11 years and were active members of NA and AA
But on New Years Eve in 1999 Eva decided to have a glass of champagne and her husband joined her
They awoke they beast that is addiction and soon were back on drugs
They were mind bogglingly wealthy and live in a house in Belgravia worth 60 million pounds so you can imagine how much drugs they were taking
The house promptly became a crack den
A few weeks ago when police were searching the house they noticed a smell of decomposition and found Eva's body under a pile of clothes
She had overdosed and had been dead for 2 months
Hans was arrested and in interviews said he was in denial about her death and didn't want her to go
They have 4 children

It just goes to show that you can never get complacent about recovery
As the say in NA and AA addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling
I would never be so cocky as to say I would never use again
It's always a possibility
They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug
It starts with behaviours
You might start thinking you don't need to go to meetings anymore
You might think it's ok to hang out at the pub
You might start to think one drink would be ok
While in Italy I noticed that a lot of people seemed to be able to have one or two drinks and leave it at that
I could never do that
When I got the taste of drink or drugs I just couldn't get enough
As they say in the meetings 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
I envy people who can enjoy one or two drinks and then walk away
Addiction is a progressive disease so if I relapsed now I would pick up where I left off and it would only get worse and worse
I used to attend NA and AA and found them a great support
But then my anxiety started to get really bad and I couldn't speak in front of people
I was also abusing my meds so technically I wasn't even clean
I haven't been to a meeting now on over a year so I am what they call a 'dry drunk'
I've pushed all my friends away and am becoming more and more of a hermit
My birthday is next month and I'm going to be 30
I find this really tough to get my head around as I still feel 20
I think I stopped developing mentally and emotionally when I started taking drugs and when my eating disordered developed
People say I look a lot younger than 30 too and I definitely feel it too
I lost my twenties to addiction and anorexia/bulimia so I don't want to lose another decade

I said I would do a food post so I'll post some pics
I don't need to tell you that the food in Italy was amazing and it's also my favourite type of food
The wedding meal was 7 courses over about 3 hours and I purged 3 times to get through it
It included a sea food platter, sea food pasta, asparagus risotto, beef, lemon sorbet and 4 different desserts
Delicious!!!
I love sandwiches and the bread was so good, crispy and crunchy filled with slivers of pink parma ham, plump tomatoes and lettuce
While others wanted to see the sights of Italy, I wanted to find the supermarket or the food markets
I really had no opportunity to binge and purge although sometimes I would go back to the apartment earlier than everyone else and binge and purge a couple of times
I'm sure it was obvious that after every meal and snack I excused myself to use the bathroom but I didn't care, sitting with the full feeling was too much to bear
My top 3 favourite meals were -
3.   Parma ham, lettuce and tomato panini
2.  Pennette al Ragu
1.  Steak with peppercream sauce and chips

Eating out all the time was difficult as regards to purging
I am always afraid the toilet won't flush and I'll be found out
Thankfully all the toilets had good flushes
How sad is it that one of the good points of my holiday was that the toilets had good flushes

Anyway here's some food porn for your enjoyment..........

Home Sweet Home and Holiday Photos

I'm back on home turf
I'm aware my last post was quite negative about my holiday but things kind of improved towards the end of the week
I always seem to find that I only start to enjoy myself just when it's time to return home

One of the highlights of the week was when we went to Verona to see the opera Aida
The opera was set in the Arena Di Verona which has been standing since the first century
It was an amazing setting, it held 40,000 people
We were sitting in the nose bleed seats right at the back but the stage was so big it didn't matter
As the sun set everyone lit little candles that they had handed out and it looked so beautiful
It was 4 hours long but was so worth it just to experience it
On the drive back to Sarnico I counted the prostitutes on the outskirts of the city

I don't need to tell you that I struggled enormously with food
I'm sure it was totally obvious every time I excused myself after a meal or snack to use the bathroom
I could have played safe and restricted but I didn't want to miss out on the gastronomic delights of Italy, a bulimics paradise
So eat I did, pasta, pizza, steak, overflowing sandwiches with crunchy bread
Towards the end of the holiday I obsessively took photos of everything I ate
The food was so colourful when it was served but the plate looked so ugly when the food had been demolished
 But 10 days of restaurant eating soon gets old and I am glad to be home without the pressure of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday
On the day we left I braced myself to try and squeeze myself back in to my jeans that had fit me perfectly on the way over
Thankfully I slipped neatly in to them
Relief, maybe I hadn't done as much damage as first thought

Our last night was spend in Bergamo
Compared to the sleepy village of Sarnico it was all hustle and bustle
I loved it
Being able to walk down the street as just another visitor and not Ruby the eating disordered, heroin addict was such a joy
I love the fact that no one knows your history, you're just another face in the sea of people

I am so glad I pushed through my anxiety and went on this holiday
I would've been so angry with myself and deeply regretted it if I had backed out
It was the first time myself, my brother and my sisters had been on holiday together and we took some lovely photos

So now I am home
Back to reality
In one way I'm glad to be home, my eating disorder demands 24 attention these days and it was not one bit happy with the unpredictability and spontaneity of meals abroad
But in another way I am sad to be back
I got a taste of the life I could be living while in Italy
The friends I could have
The partner I could meet
The places I could go
The experiences I could have
Instead I am back to a life ruled by food and numbers
An unwilling slave to this sinister illness
It feels like a cruel joke
Flirting with the life I could be living and then thrust back in to a nightmare
If I were smart I would use this as the catalyst to get well
Jump at the chance while I still remember the feel of the warm sun on my skin
What better motivation
But I know all too well it is not that simple
The answer is not a geographical one
My sister who lives in Australia is home and as I type she is making homemade chicken soup
She is banging around the kitchen as if she were building a house
The perfect antidote to a week eating rich food
I am already planning how I will get out of eating it
Planning a detox and maybe a fast
Bulimia is somewhat tired after her food holiday and is handing over the reigns to anorexia
No doubt she will gladly accept
How will this pan out?
Watch this space I guess

Anyway on to the photos
We tool so many that I'll probably post them in stages and maybe do an Italy food post
Myself and my family are in these photos so I may take them down in a few days

Anyway enjoy.........

'Tears dry on their own'

Amy Winehouse is one year dead today
Hard to believe
My brother reminded me that there is a documentary on about her tonight
It's a about a memorable 20 minute performance she gave here in Ireland when she was just 21
I won't be watching it
I have to admit I find it incredibly difficult to watch any footage of her, if her video comes on I change the channel
I don't like to look at images of her
I can just about listen to her songs
I find it so desperately sad to have witnessed her decline
My favourite song is 'Tears dry on their own' but I haven't watched the video in years
Most people probably don't notice how pinned her eyes are from heroin use
The last few years of her life, in every video, every photo her eyes are pinned and glazed
Being a recovering heroin addict I find it so very hard to look at
Eating disorder wise, it is the equivalent of looking at a very sick and underweight person
I have read Amy also developed an eating disorder and her ever shrinking body would back that up
It's not that I find it triggering, I suppose it's like looking in a mirror
The haunted eyes and frail body are exactly the way I used to look
I followed her career from start and in the early years she was so different
Curvy, fresh faced and so very talented
Having watched and read interviews with her, she seemed to have very little self esteem
I remember her saying that the lower her self esteem was, the higher she made her signature beehive
It's heartbreaking how someone with such a precious gift to really touch people could have so little belief in themselves
But isn't that always the way
I was shocked when I heard she had died but I wasn't surprised
It was inevitable really
Apparently she had managed to get clean before she died but was still drinking and had a massive amount of alcohol in her system the night she died
The only comfort I take is that she is at peace now
Safe from the demons that haunted her
Sleep well Amy

Anyway, I digress
I leave for Italy early Wednesday morning
I spoke with my brother late last night about my apprehensions
I am becoming more and more and the thought of having to deal with so many people over the next 10 days is scaring me some
The wedding itself is on Friday and I wish I could say I am looking forward to it
It's a reflection of my state of mind
Making small talk with strangers is not my forte
People usually talk about their jobs or their relationships and I have neither
The main thing in my life at the moment is my eating disorder and I'm sure people don't want to hear about that
I don't drink so I don't have that to help loosen my tongue
I am hoping that like a lot of things in my life, the thoughts of it are worse than the actual event itself
As my brother said, the wedding business will all be over in 2 days and then I can enjoy the reast of my holiday
And of course I worried about managing food while I am away
The last time I was away I binged and purged my way around Barcelona
Also the uncertainty of not knowing when or where I'll be eating makes me anxious
Having gained weight. my family will probably presume I am more well than I actually am
My aunt came for dinner yesterday and when she saw me she remarked 'Oh you look well'
I hate hearing this
In my mind this translated to 'Oh you've put on weight'
Weight has absolutely on bearing on how well a person is or what their state of mind is like
As I've often said, I was just as sick at 77lbs as I was at 130lbs
I don't mean to complain and I know I am very lucky to be going on a holiday
And after all it's not about me, it's about my cousin who is getting married and I want to be there on their happy day
The sick part of me wants to stay at home and wallow in my illness
But then that would mean my illness is winning
Almost 12 years now I've had the constant companion that is anorexia/bulimia
It has prevented me from doing so much, held me hostage
My twenties are all but gone and I don't want to waste another decade
I love travelling, everything about it
For me the excitement begins with packing
I love airports and people watching
I love travelling itself whether it's flying or on a train
I even love plane food
It's so freeing to be in a completely different place, totally anonymous
Nobody knows you or your history
I'm not Ruby the anorectic, drug addict
I'm just Ruby
I'm going to try so very hard to enjoy myself
To soak up the sun and the atmosphere
I'll also try to blog once or twice

Take care of yourselves and please stay safe

All my love x

Same shit, different substance

I love listening to phone in shows on the radio when I'm walking my dogs in the morning
Yesterday a woman rang in to this particular show to talk about her sugar addiction
She spoke about how she eats copious amounts of chocolate and gets up 2 or 3 times in the night to feed her sugar addiction
I have to admit I can relate to this, just last night I got up at 2am to make a cup of tea with biscuits
Various others rang in to tell their of their own sugar or food addiction
One man's story really stayed with me
He was a successful business man but the stresses of the job got too much for him and became addicted to drugs and alcohol
He lost his job, his marriage broke down and he sank into a deep depression
Eventually he got clean but his addiction then switched to food
He gained 6 stone in weight
Again he managed to conquer his addiction but then went to the other end of the spectrum and became addicted to exercise seeing his weight plummeted to 8 stone
In total he spent a year in psychiatric hospitals
I thought this man was so brave to tell his story and I could identify so much
Jumping from one addiction to another has been the story of my life
I think my food problems have been there from the beginning
Food has been the centre of my world since I was a small child although I didn't develop a full blown eating disorder until I was 18
Also as a child I began shoplifting and this has been an on and off problem ever since
I depended on it for money when I was on drugs
At age 14 I began smoking and have been quite a heavy smoker ever since
Also at age 14 I began to use alcohol and drugs and that developed into a serious heroin problem
All the while my eating disorder was silently forming
I managed to get clean off heroin at 25 but swiftly moved back to alcohol and also methadone
Then an exercise addiction developed alongside anorexia
In inpatient treatment I was put on various meds including anti depressants, anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills
I abused all of these up until very recently
One common trait in all of these addictions is the behaviours
The lying, the cheating, the stealing, the denial,  the secrecy, the deviousness
Same shit, different substance
For most of my life I have been addicted to something
I have never learned a more healthy way to deal with reality or my feelings so I numb them until I can't feel anything
My thought race through my mind at an alarming rate and they are more often than not negative
I would never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself
I am forever trying to drown out the noise of my thoughts or at least quieten them
So I always have a distraction
I have the radio on or the t.v on so I won't have to listen to myself
Meditation and mindfulness have been suggested to me but I can't stand being inside my own head so I'm reluctant to try them
So I continue running from myself and running from reality

Anyway back to food addiction
My friend who I mentioned a few posts ago who had gone into treatment is home again
There were complications with her health (blood sugars and iron levels) and the centre were not equipped to treat her medically
This friend has been a long standing member of Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA)
FAA believe that certain foods are physically and psychologically addictive, namely sugar, flour and wheat
(Interestingly some studies show that sugar reacts in the same way as opiates in the brain)
So people in FAA recovery cut sugar, wheat and flour completely out of their diet
They also follow a strict food plan, weighing and measuring all their food
(I have witnessed this friend weighing her chicken in a restaurant)
Every little thing is accounted for although they don't count calories
They are careful not to call it a diet as it's more a way of life
In my desperation to find relief from my own eating disorder, I attended a few meetings with my friend a couple of years ago (My friend had been bulimic)
The meeting was much the same as an AA or NA meeting
I could identify with the women at the meeting but was reluctant to try the food plan having had a history of anorexia
I feared that the weighing and measuring could be triggering
I attended meeting for some months and went to their annual cooking demonstration (which I thought was funny because they cooked all this food but no one ate any)
I read the literature written by Kay Shepherd. Food Addiction and From the first bite
The books were very informative but in the end I decided that FAA was not for me
I just couldn't commit to the food plan
But I saw this method working for many others including my friend
I've been to her house for lunch and saw how she meticulously weighed and measured every morsel of food
The food was delicious by the way
I have asked my friend in the past do all the rules not get in the way of her life
She replied without hesitation that it in fact did the opposite, it gave her absolute freedom

Over the years I have often asked myself the question 'Am I addicted?'
How do I know when I'm addicted to something?
For me personally, I know I am becoming addicted to something when it alters my mood
When it affects my life negatively or when I'm becoming obsessed to the point that it's detrimental to my relationships, my work or my studies
I know I am becoming addicted when I feel the need to lie about my behaviour or defend it
So am I addicted to sugar?
Quite possibly yes
I know that when I binge I don't reach for fruit or veg, I reach for sugary, carbohydrate heavy foods
I get anxious if I don't have my preferred sugar fixes in the house
And most certainly getting up in the middle of the night to snack is not normal behaviour
Maybe that's the reason I left FAA
I just couldn't bear to give up my precious sugar
I shudder to think of a life stripped of all my addictions
But then again I can't bear to think of the rest of my life with them
We all have things that help us get through the day, be they healthy or otherwise and I definitely think that I have an addictive personality
Genetics are also not in my favour as addiction is rife in my family
In my own immediate family of 6, 4 of us are recovering addicts

With all that said, what do you think?
Is food especially sugar addictive?
How do you know when you are becoming addicted to something?

Thanks for reading and as always much love to you x

Mission Of Nutrition

I finally went shopping yesterday to pick up some clothes for Italy
As I've said before I would happily eat my own foot rather than go clothes shopping
And because they are summer clothes, that makes it all the more difficult
So I dragged my reluctant self in to town yesterday accompanied by my mother although she is not the best person to go shopping with as she says everything looks lovely no matter what I look like
To my delight and surprise I got it all done very quickly and painlessly
I picked up some lovely stuff so that gives my confidence a bit of a boost
I was dreading having to try the clothes on having gained a few pounds recently and I chose the clothes in a couple of different sizes
Thankfully I still fit neatly into the smallest size
This time last year I was almost a stone lighter
I was very curious looking
My face was aged and withered beyond my years and my body resembled that of a little boy
I looked very strange to say the least
Yesterday I noticed that my shape has changed and I'm slowly developing soft curves
Surprisingly I'm not as horrified as I thought I would be
My face, now slightly plumper, no longer looks hollow and gaunt
I wouldn't go as far as to say I like my new shape but it doesn't disgust me either
Although I wouldn't like to gain any more weight, I need to become comfortable with this new body first
I'm nervous to do this but I'm including 2 photos of me in one of my new dresses
It's a big deal for me to do this as I'm sure you can imagine
Anyway, here goes....

                                                                                     

Please excuse the bad quality, I'm no photographer!

My brother is over staying with us for a few days which is great as I get on really well with him

He is just back from a month long writers retreat in Spain

It was so hot there that he managed to sweat off a stone in weight

He is of slight build anyway so he is below 10 stone now

Even though it would never occur to me to worry about my own weight, I worry greatly when I hear others have lost a lot of weight

So I am on a Mission Of Nutrition

I am going to fatten him back up

Well maybe not fatten but help him to put back on some weight

Also I can eat vicariously through him

So I quizzed him on what food he most likes and set off to the supermarket

I bought lots of fresh veg and pasta to make a hearty homemade soup

Lots of fruit and a variety of nuts

And of course chocolate and biscuits for something a bit naughty

I have to admit I almost messed the whole thing up 

Having been shoplifting free for a month I relapsed today

I sneaked 3 packets of nuts in to my bag and paid for the rest of the items

I had no warning this would happen, it was by no means planned

It was completely impulsive

I am at a loss as to why I am doing this

It has nothing to do with money or not being able to afford the items

It's more about the adrenaline rush

I walked out of the shop and to my horror I heard an alarm go off

I began to walk faster but the alarm was getting louder and louder

My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was just waiting for a hand to grab my shoulder

I was too afraid to look back in case there really was somebody chasing me

I wanted to run but I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I walked as fast as my legs would carry me until I reached my car

Relief flooded through my body when I realised I was safe

But what if I had been caught?

The shame and embarrassment would have been overwhelming

Especially for stealing items that cost little more than 4 euro

I can't afford for this to happen again, I really can't

I managed to come through drug addiction without a criminal record, how stupid it would be to mess that up now

I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting

I think it could be something to do with the shame of whatever your buying or the fear that someone will realise your going to binge and purge all this food

I would talk to Mary but I'm not seeing her until I come back from Italy

My luck will run out eventually

Any suggestions from you lovely ladies would be greatly appreciated

So I am going to spend today preparing and cooking for my brother

Is it wrong that I get immense pleasure from seeing others eat?

I'm also enjoying preparing food

There is something comforting about the rhythm and repetition of chopping vegetables

I was making weight watchers 0 point soup for myself but I've altered it to make it more calorie dense for my brother by adding oil and ribbon pasta

No doubt he will have no trouble gaining weight in Italy

Also having had 2 weeks purge free, the binge/purge monster is back in my life

I don't have the energy or inclination to do anything about it at the moment

Everything including recovery is on hold until I come back from Italy

I tried on my dress for the wedding last night expecting it to be tighter, maybe even uncomfortable

To my surprise it is too big but it's also too late to do anything about it now

I guess it's better to be too big than be too small

One week to go, the countdown is on

All my love x

Lucky escape

I think I spoke too soon about getting my period back
It was very light and only lasted a day
I have to admit part of me is relieved
Not menstruating means my body is still sick and the eating disordered part of me likes that
I know it is so very twisted of me to cling to my sick self but I'm not ready to let go just yet
I saw my doctor this morning and he weighed me which he rarely does
I didn't look as it is a different scale so the number would mean nothing
Also I couldn't take another gain
My mood has improved slightly and I don't want to spiral back down into depression caused by stupid little numbers on a scale
I didn't have the nerve to tell him that I've stopped taking my meds
I just didn't want to get in to a debate about it and it's easier to say nothing
The down side is I'm building up a stash of meds, even though I give them to my mother I know where they are
It's dangerous as the temptation is there to swallow them all if I feel the need to disappear

The Italy trip has crept up on me
We are leaving next Wednesday and the wedding is Friday
I'can't deny that I feel the urge to fast in a last ditch attempt to lose some  weight
The closer the trip is the more anxious I feel
I am a loner at heart and having to be around people, some of who I don't know, scares the shit out of me
I am at a loss as to how to handle the food situation
Do I eat like everyone else and purge?
Or do I play it safe and restrict?
Purging does not really appeal as we will be eating out a lot so that makes it difficult
Restricting is probably the better bet
People have suggested to me that I leave my eating disorder at home
How I wish it were that simple
Even if I did make the decision to try and eat 'normally', I'm sure my eating disorder would turn up unannounced having stowed away at  the bottom of my suitcase
The irony is I love Italian food, it's probably my favourite food but it's also food I avoid as I'm afraid I'll lose all control and won't be ale to stop eating
I'm going shopping tomorrow to pick up some clothes so hopefully that will make me feel a bit better
Who knows, maybe I am worrying for nothing and I'll have a fantastic time
I often find that the thoughts of something are a lot worse that the actual event itself

I heard on the radio last week that the town I used to live in now has one of the worst heroin problems in the country
I'm not surprised
When I live there and was using, I think me and the people I hung out with were some of the first heroin addicts in the area
There wasn't a regular supplier in the town at that time so we had to travel to Dublin which was an hour and a half away
We would get the bus up every second day or pay someone to drive us
I'm sure that has changed now and there are probably countless suppliers
Towards the end of addiction I would travel up to Dublin alone and stay in hostels or stay with people I had met on the street
I had zero self respect or self esteem and was so addicted I was doing unspeakable things for money
If I had no where to stay at night I would go home with guys just to have a place to sleep and of course they would expect something in return
In the beginning of my addiction I tried to set some boundaries for myself and promised myself that I would never do certain things for money or drugs
But then your body becomes do addicted to the drug that when you are sick you will do practically do anything for the drug
Stealing was a given, I would steal anything, clothes, jewellery, perfume, watches and sell it on
I used to sell alot of items to the travelling community
They would actually give me a shopping list of things they wanted
I remember they were always looking for Waterford crystal items for their homes
I was lucky in that I didn't look like a typical addict
I was a young girl with an innocent face and I used this to my advantage
Although it could also be a disadvantage as people would take advantage of me
I used my innocent face to manipulate doctors in to giving me prescriptions for morphine and valium
promising them that I would never use again
The first time I exchanged sex for money was a dark, dark day, one I'll never forget
I can remember everything about that day in vivid detail
I won't write about it now but I will someday
I don't like to think about it too much but sometimes the memory escapes from the box I've put in
I feel extremely lucky to have moved away from that town

Having thought that I had gotten my period back go me thinking
Do I want children?
It''s a strange feeling to ask myself this question as in a lot of ways I feel barely more than a child myself
I'm not sure if I want children, at the moment I can't even take care of myself let alone another person
And having a baby just in case I might regret not having one later on is no reason to have one
I watched a documentary last night called 'I'm pregnant and addicted'
It followed a couple who were recovering heroin addicts and both on methadone
She was 8 months pregnant
Her doctors advised her not to wean off the methadone while pregnant as it could have had awful consequences for the baby
She went in to labour but when the baby was born it didn't cry and then stopped breathing
They managed to stabilise the baby and said her problems were not related to methadone
Then they waited to see if the baby went in to methadone withdrawal
There was a 60 - 90% chance the baby would be addicted to methadone
48 hours later the baby went in to withdrawal
It was heartbreaking to see the baby in such distress and of course the mother felt incredibly guilty
They treated the baby with morphine and in the end she was ok
It brought home to me how addictive methadone is
I've taken it for so long now, 7 years, that I don't even think about it anymore
I take it each and every morning with a cup of tea
If I didn't take it I would go in to severe withdrawal within 48 hours
Some say methadone withdrawal is even worse than heroin withdrawal
It's a double whammy, mental and physical torture
Every inch of your body hurts, from your hair to your toenails
Your freezing cold one minute then boiling hot the next
You will throw up and have diarrhoea
You will toss and turn in your bed, it's impossible to get comfortable
You will be so exhausted but insomnia will not allow you to sleep
Mentally you feel like you are going insane
This could last for up to a week
I agree with methadone maintenance as it has helped me to stay clean but I don't agree with being left on it for years and years
I would like to be off it within a year
Here's hoping

Thanks for reading,

All my love x