Update 2 November

Hello friends
I feel this is the first time this week that I have properly sat down and caught up on blogs
I even feel that I have been neglecting my own blog
Usually I post every single day
Usually I always have things that I can't wait to write about
And I'm on the computer first thing every morning
For some reason
This week
It's been hard
I've kind of deliberately stayed away
I guess there are a few reasons for this

First
I just haven't felt like I have anything of importance to say
About my ED
About recovery
About life

Second
Now that I am feeling a bit better
And I am actually feeling my feelings
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the girls suffering here on blogger
For every recovery blog
There are 10 girls who are in the midst of a battle with their ED
It can become too much sometimes
And I can't stand to see so many beautiful and talented girls held captive by this cruel illness
It's upsetting
I feel helpless
Sometimes I feel hopeless
I used to tell myself that I my blog was helping people
That I was making a difference
In helping to fight this battle against EDs
But now I'm not so sure

I read an article last week
About how younger and younger children are becoming eating disordered
I despaired after reading it
I really felt like 'What is the point?'
What is the point in fighting
What is the point in any of this
It's really disheartening when it seems that more people want to read about my demise
Rather than my recovery
Why is that?

I have thought about starting a new blog
A clean slate
But I have done that before
Twice I have started new blogs over on Wordpress
And twice I came back to And then she disappeared
I always come back
Because this blog means something to me
It feels like home
And you all feel like family
This blog has documented my life for the past two and a half years
Every little detail has been recorded here
To walk away from that in unthinkable

I guess I am going  through a transition
My body
My mind
I am not quite free of my ED
And no where near recovered
Every day I ask my Mother am I fat
Every day she says no
But I am not convinced
I look back on the photos that I posted this week
And I barely recognize myself
It's disconcerting
I flip between hating my body
To, on a good day, being able to accept it
Weighing is out of the question at the moment
I can barely look in the mirror
Never mind stand on a scale

My Mother keeps telling me to be patient
To hang in there
That I am doing all the right things
And my body will find it's own set point
I'm trying
I am
It's hard
But I know it will be worth it
It has to be

I have another worry that's playing on my mind
My darling little dog Honey seems to be developing eye trouble
Last week we noticed a cloud on her left eye
I brought her to the vet
At first she thought it was a cataract
Which can cause blindness
There is an operation that can be done
But it costs thousands
Then when the vet looked at Honey;s eye with a light
She wasn't so sure
So I don't really know what is wrong with Honey
And not knowing is wrecking my head
The vet gave me drops to put in her eyes three times a day
Honey is not impressed with that
But Honey is a tough cookie
She is a bad ass
It will take more than this to beat her
She is stubborn just like me
A force to be reckoned with
I guess it reminds me that my dogs are getting older
And they won't be around forever
I can't imagine life without Honey and Lea
But I can't think about that
All I can do is enjoy them now

Here are some photos of my faithful friend Honey

Clothes Post # 6

Another day
Another spending spree
No really
I do need new clothes
I have wardrobe full of beautiful but tiny clothes
And gradually I am replacing them
I wish I could tell you that I have plans to get rid of my anorectic clothes
But I don't
I can't even entertain the possibility at the moment
And that's ok
I will get there

As you know I am a hoody and jeans kind of girl
When I was very thin
I was a leggings and long top/skirt girl
I love clothes
But being comfortable comes first
I have two sets of clothes
One for the house
Because I am down on the floor with the dogs
And so usually wear a track suit or leggings
Then when I venture out
I try to look a bit more presentable

I bought the following clothes from Superdry
I think I am single handedly keeping them in business at the moment
Their clothes are pricey
But good quality
And super comfortable
Plus these tops have some shiny stuff on them
Oooooh shiny stuff
So here they are.........

Long sleeve navy top with glittery pocket - Superdry

Navy sweatshirt with glittery writing -Superdry

Photos

Against my better judgement
I am going to share some photos with you today
Please know that I know I look stupid
I know I look silly
These photos are totally unflattering
And I  am becoming quite the heffer
I just wanted to show them as they might give you a laugh today

My sister and I do yoga on a Friday morning
This morning we were messing about trying to do the different poses
I wanted my sister to take a photo of me in the mountain pose (Think that's what it's called, please correct me if I am wrong)
But of course I got a fit of the giggles
And couldn't do the damn thing
I didn't realize that my sister was happily taking photos of me in less than becoming poses
Here are some of said photos
Hope they give you a giggle........

Let me get in to the zone

Lea think I am nuts
She is probably right

Take 2

Come on body, work with me!

Oh for God's sake
This is too much like hard work

Yay!!

Later that day sans giggle

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Maggie over at Healthline contacted me about this article
It is about 17 effects of bulimia on the body
I found it very interesting
I hope you do too

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Counsellors and cataracts

As you know
I see my doctor every Monday
However this Monday was a bank holiday
So I saw the doctor yesterday instead
My own doctor was off
So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead
She asked me how I was
I told her that things have improved
But I still struggle with aspects of the disorder
I also told her that I am convinced that I am over weight
'That's natural' she said
'You were so underweight for so long'
'To anyone looking at you from the outside, you look fantastic
And it's not just your shape, it's your eyes
They look alive now'
A lot of people have said that to me
That my eyes look so different
I guess it's nice to hear

I told her that Mary is now gone
And asked if there was any counselling or therapy I could avail of
She said there were a couple of options
I could either get general counselling straight away
Or go on the waiting list for a woman in the next town
I was delighted when she said this woman's name
As I used to see her a few years ago
And found her very helpful
I can't remember why I stopped seeing her
Probably because I went in to treatment
She was great
She has a really holistic approach
Which I love
So I went for that option
It's great to know that I will have some body to talk to
Just to help me sort things out in my head

On a different note
We noticed last week that one of Honey's eyes is very cloudy
So we brought her to the vet today
At first the vet thought that it was a cataract
Which was bad news because of it spreads to the other eye
It can cause blindness
I was really upset when she said this
But then she had another look with her torch
And thought she might have been wrong
And it may be something else
So Honey is now on eye drops 3 times a day
And has to go back to the vet net week
I am hoping that praying that she is ok

That's all from me today
Just a quick post to give you an update

Who, what, why and where?

I am very lucky and blessed to have some amazing readers/friends
Who read this blog and take time out of their day to leave thoughtful and insightful comments
After my last post
Lilly and C wrote about how I should try to start to define myself outside of my illness and diagnosis
They are so right
And really hit the nail on the head as to what is going on for me right now

I feel I am caught somewhere between my illness and recovery
Not quite sick anymore
But not 100% well either
I am dipping my toe in to life sans ED and addiction
But I haven't committed to anything
It's like I am hedging my bets
And keep both options open
Just in case
Just in case recovery doesn't work out
I will hold on to my ED and addiction
Just in case it's too scary or too hard
I will hold on to my addiction

I have made some progress
But the weight re-gain is only part of the battle
I know the real work happens on the inside
It takes months to physically recover
Years to recover mentally
And probably a life time to fully recover if that happens at all
It's a slow process
Too slow for an impatient person like me
Who wants everything now
Sometimes the process is so slow that I can't even see it
And it feels like I am standing still
It can be beyond frustrating

Anyway
Back to the title of this post
Who am I without my ED and addiction?
Well, I know I am a young woman
I know I am a dog owner and confirmed animal lover
I know I am a swimmer
I know I love to write
The thing is that I don't know how to write about anything other my ED and addiction
I know nothing as intimately as I know them
I can't write about love
I can't write about death
I have no other life experiences to think of
Beyond that I have no earthly clue who I am
I don't know what sort of person I am
Am I quiet?
Am I loud?
Am I an extrovert?
Introvert?
You would think that I would know these things
But I really don't
I only know who I am in the grip of my illness
I don't know much more than that

What will my life be like without my ED and addiction?
Another tough question
My ED was/is like my job
My chosen career
Without it
I don't know what I would think about
What I would talk about
What I would spend my time doing
How would I fill the 24 hours that are in a day?
I know what you are thinking
I could do anything I want to
But where do I start?
How do you start your life over at 33?
I guess the answer to that is I find what I love
And do that
If I find a job that I love
I'll never have to work again
Right?

Why am I recovering?
People change for a reason
I stopped taking drugs because the negatives of that life were out weighing the positives
I quit smoking because I couldn't afford it anymore
So why am I choosing recovery from my ED?
Well, similar to the drugs scenario
It's getting old
I am getting too old for it
I am bored with it
I am sick and tired of it
I have had enough of making mine and my families life miserable
I want more out of this life

Where do I want to go?
As in life I mean
Do I want to spend the rest of my life hating myself?
And hurting myself?
I really don't have the energy for that
I just want a quiet life
And I want to give my family a break
God knows we need it

I guess it's a leap of faith
To use a much overused phrase
Even though I am terrified of life
I am more terrified of a life time of addiction and disordered eating
I won't always have my family around me
To bail me out
And save me from myself
I have to grow up at some point
I have to forge a new life for myself
And that is the scary part
I have a bucket load of insecurities
I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough
Not talkative enough
Not brave enough
Not pretty enough
I'm afraid that people won't like me
That I won't ever have enough money
I'm afraid I'll never make it on my own
That I'll never fall in love
Or have a family of my own
I'm so afraid

I have taken some steps to venture in to a new life
I now swim nearly every day
I talk to people in the leisure center
And pretend that I am a normal human being
I go to yoga
And try to fit in with cool zen people
I have even phoned my local dog shelter twice to volunteer
But no one has got back to me

The thing is
I always feel like a bit of a misfit
Like a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole
I feel like I'm not like everyone else
That I am just a little bit mad
But maybe everyone feels like that
I don't know
Do they?
Do you?

But I am glad that this is being addressed
As I'm sure it will go some way to helping me figure out this weird place that I in

On a lighter note
My mother told me today that I am doing well
And she is 'very proud' of me
That was nice to hear
It makes all this worthwhile

M is for Meds

I've been very bold this week
I had got 8 days meds because this weekend is bank holiday in this country
But now it is Monday and I had none left
Because I was greedy during the week
Usually I lull myself in to a false sense of security
That I am clean and sober
That I am not injecting heroin any more
Therefore I am clean and sober and happy out
But am I really?

Yes I have stopped using illegal drugs
Yes, I am a lot more stable than I have ever been
But now I am on a cocktail of medication
And still very much dependent on methadone
Even though I am on a low dose
20mls

When I saw my doctor last week
He mentioned reducing the methadone again
I immediately balked
And asked if he could wait a week
He told me that he would be away next week
So we would have to wait two weeks to reduce it
I was happy about that

The thing about my meds
Is that they kind of keep me in a state where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat
And me being me
I like that
I like that I can switch off at any given moment
That I can check off the planet when ever I like
Being someone that doesn't do well with reality
That suits me just fine

But is that sobriety?
I have my doubts
In fact I am quite sure that is not sobriety
I'm not saying that everyone on meds is the same as a using drug addict
Most definitely not
If someone needs to be on meds
For a medical reason
That is perfectly ok
But I am not entirely sure that I need to be on all the meds I am
For instance I am on the highest dose of two anti depressants
Who needs to be on two anti depressants?
Me apparently

I am on a high dose of anti anxiety meds
But my anxiety has improved greatly
So I really don't think that I need it anymore
I think the problem is that when my state improved
My meds weren't looked at
I guess it's just easier to leave things the way they are

I look forward to Monday's
Doctor day
Because I get a fresh batch of meds
A whole big bag of goodies
I look forward to Monday's the way I used to look forward to pay day when I was in active addiction
Money = drugs
Drugs = oblivion

Have I just moved from illegal addiction to legal addiction?
Is my doctor now my dealer?
Is my pharmacist now my distributor
I don't know
I just know that the whole thing seems shady to me
But that's because I have no meds today and I am thinking clearly

So what is my problem with reality?
Why do I want to sleep my life away?
Well maybe it's because the only reality I knew was disordered eating
Maybe I need to give reality a chance now that I am feeling better
I know I get bored very easily
And I need a lot of stimulation
Maybe I need to get an iphone, he he
My sister is constantly on hers
Maybe that would solve my problems

But seriously
What do I do when the day comes that I am taken off my meds?
Do I stamp my feet like a toddler
And say 'No, you can't make me'
Do I confess that I use my meds to escape reality
That would not help matters me thinks

The lovely Bella left a comment that she thinks professional input is essential right now
And I am beginning to think that she is right
The only professional I am seeing right now is my doctor
And usually we talk about anything and everything outside of me
I miss Mary
I miss the way she was so rational and logical
And made so much sense

I guess it's in my hands
I need to help myself
Before the s**t hits the fan