Scale disposal

So the holidays are coming to an end
The last of our visitors leave on Monday
Today will be the last busy day
The two weeks have flown by
And even though it was a difficult time
There were some rays of sunshine
Having my sister here was awesome
Just having her around makes it a bit easier on me
Since coming home the focus has been on her
All the relatives want to talk to her
So I can relax a little
And stay in the background
Where I am more comfortable
Other comforts came in the form of my parents
My Auntie B
My dogs
You all here on blogger who have rallied around me
And been the most amazing support

I've been on dodgy ground lately
And I guess my doctor helped matters by changing my medication to be dispensed daily
That means I can't mess around with it
And that is good in my book
My head feels a lot clearer today
I  feel a bit more determined and focused to get back on track
I know what need to be done
I have been down this particular road many many times

But first things first
This morning I have to go to the chemist
Then I'm off to meet my friend for coffee
I haven't seen her since the day we went to Dublin
So I am looking forward to seeing her

This post is just to let you know that I am not giving up
Or giving in
I feel a bit stronger
And  bit more able today
There is hope
There is always hope
I haven't come this far just to throw everything away that I have worked so hard for
Weighing is not helping matters
I am thinking about getting rid of the other scale in my house
As I feel compelled to stand on it every morning
And it is driving me bananas
I just can't decide how to dispose of it
Do you have any ideas?
I threw my last one in to the lake
And that was very satisfying
I don't know
I will think of something

Anyway
I better go get a wriggle on and get ready to go out
Do let me know if you can think of any creative ways to get rid of my scale
See you on the next post......

Confession

I felt so horrible and bad this morning

After what I did yesterday

I can't even bring myself to type the words

The past few days have been really hard

My binging and purging is spinning wildly out of control again

And I've really been misusing my meds

I woke up this morning to find that I had only one day of methadone

And no tablets at all

There was only one thing for it

I had to go and see my doctor again 

And this time I had to be honest about everything

So myself and Lea headed off in the car

Honey is refusing to come out in this cold weather

We went for a brisk walk

Before I went to see if the surgery was open

It was

Thank you God

I walked in to see that it was packed

I asked the receptionist if there were any appointments left

She said there wasn't

I was going to leave

But I decided to try sitting outside his room and talk to him myself

About ten minutes later he came out

He saw me

Asked if I was there to see him

Ans told me he couldn't see me unt the end of surgery an hour later

Well at least he didn't refuse to see me
I was glad of that

I headed back to the car
Did some food shopping 
And brought Lea for another walk
By then it was almost an hour later
So I made my way back to the surgery

I didn't have to wait to long
He called me in after about 15 minutes
I started off with an apology
I said I was sorry for being such a pain the last couple of weeks
But that I was really struggling
I told about my meds
The alcohol
And my food
He asked why things were so tough right now
I couldn't really answer him
It could be the time of year
The fact that I am bored
And want to get out of my own head
I said I was on dodgy territory
He asked what I meant by that
I told him because my thinking is becoming unhealthy again
I'm slipping
In all areas

He agreed to gave me a script for more methadone
But now I have to go in to the chemist every day to pick it up
Usually I only go in to the chemist once a week and pick it all up then
I was a bit surprised when he said this
But I wasn't about to argue
I know I am lucky to get the meds at all
He said he would keep it this way for a few weeks
Until I stabilize
I guess it makes sense
Now I can't misuse it
I suppose it's him covering his ass aswell
I understand that

I left the surgery
And headed to the chemist
I felt a little bit ashamed walking in
And having to hand in the script
But this is the way things are for now
And I have to accept that
I was grateful to have it
Finally Lea and I got home
And I intend to do nothing for the rest of today

My Mother has noticed the change in me too
I went to her last night
And told her that I couldn't stop eating and purging
She said that she had noticed
And my Auntie B had also commented that I was very quiet the past couple of days
I guess I have retreated in to myself a bit
And have become withdrawn
I spoke to my Mother again this morning
And told her that I had been to see my doctor
I didn't tell her about the alcohol though
As I don't think I am in danger of doing it again

I need to get back on track though
Before I slip any further
I need to ask for support
Let my family help me as they really want to
I am meeting a friend from treatment tomorrow
So I will have a good chat with her
Then next week everything is back to normal
So I am glad of that
I can back in to my routine
And can structure my day
All  these long and lazy days with nothing to do are starting to get to me

I just want to feel ok you know?
I'm not asking for ecstatic happiness
I just want to feel ok in my head
And ok in my skin
I want to feel ok to be me
And not want to be constantly escaping every opportunity I get
I want to be the best person I can be
I want to be clean and sober
And be happy to be clean and sober
I want to stop running
To stop feeling so afraid of this life
I want to have control of my food
And use it the way it's supposed to be used
For energy and fuel
Not for binging and purging
And punishing myself
I want to be a good person
I want to lay my head on my pillow at night
And feel like I lived my life to the best of my ability
I want to be free of the demons that plague me
That try to kill me
I want to want to live
Is that too much to ask?
I hope not....

Happy New Year!

I am now at the weight that I was before I got ill

A weight where my BMI is 19

I've lost almost 20 pound since the start of November

Quite a lot I guess

In a short space of time
I feel a lot better at this weight
More like myself
And I think it suits me much better
I didn't feel comfortable at the weight I was
Even though I was still in healthy range with a BMI of 23
So now I just have to maintain this weight
Easier said that done
As you know
With anorexia
The goal posts are always changing
You reach one goal
And feel a sense of satisfaction for about 5 minutes
Before it's full steam ahead to the next goal

I know that I am on dodgy territory
I know that I need to be careful
But hopefully this is just my weight settling down
And that I will stay in or around this weight
I know that if I lose any more
I will be on shaky ground
My binging and purging has increased dramatically over the last couple of weeks
I am hoping that it is the stress of the holidays
And that I will get back on track when it's all over
But I guess now is the time for new starts
And fresh beginnings
A time to make change
To start off on the right foot
2014 has been a rollercaoster to say the least
Treatment
Family issues
New car
Did the Pieta House night walk
Spent two weeks in London
Mary left
I gave up smoking
Lea's fur grew back
I turned 33
My sister came home from Australia
I threw my scales in to the lake
I smashed my ashtray
My methadone was reduced to 18mls
And was then increased to 22ml
I did a mindfulness course
I made new friends
I felt hope for the first time in forever
So much has happened
And most of it good

As for New Years resolutions
I tend not to make any
Because I like to do things when I feel ready
Not just because it is January 1st
But this year I am making one
And that is to save money every week
This is the whole reason why I gave up smoking
Because I wanted to have some extra cash
But of course I found other things to spend my money on
So I haven't saved a penny yet
I am notoriously bad with money
The minute I get it in to hand
I feel like I have to spend it
So this will be a challenge
But I am determined to do it

I am having a quiet night in tonight
With my Mum and Auntie B
I brought them both for lunch earlier today
It was so lovely to be able to pay for them for a change
So I am now in my pyjamas
I have a cup of tea
And a box of celebrations
Which I am going to inhale....

Happy New Year to you and yours!
I hope 2015 is the best yet!

The year in photos

So it's the end of another year
2014 has been eventful to say the least
Instead of me telling you about it
I thought I would show you the year in photos
Here goes......

Bye bye cigarettes

Winter walk

My mum, my brother and his partner, my sister and I

And of course Honey and Lea all bundled in to the car yesterday to go for a winter walk

We walked for a good hour

Before we headed for dinner in a cosy pub 

Here are some photos of us messing
Oh
And to the anonymous commenter who said that I looked 'disgusting' in my Christmas photos
Sorry
You'll have to be more creative with your insults to get me to stop posting photos
Try again....

My name is Ruby and I am an addict

So today is the 27th
Christmas came and went
And my Mother and sister and I think it was a roaring success
And all without a drop of alcohol
Actually thinking about it
That's probably why it was such a success
When I was growing up
Christmas day was always the day to get paralytic drunk
Everyone from my Dad to me drowned the day in alcohol
That is apart from my Mother who rarely touches a drop
We would all get get merry
And have a great time
Then we would cross over in to drunk
A fight always broke out
Someone would insult someone
Someone would get angry
Someone would cry
It always ended in tears
I don't miss that one bit
I can remember as a child hiding in my room
Listening to my parents fight
My father was a horrible drunk
Saying and doing really mean things

One by one
Over the years

We all gave up the drink
My father because he almost lost everything
Including me
My sister because she was losing her son
My other sister as it was a cause for concern in her life too
And me because mine was really getting out of hand
There is rarely alcohol in my house
Most people know that none of us drink
But I have to say
I do miss a drink
The last drink I had was last Christmas
At my uncle's wedding
I had a glass of bubbly
And a couple of vodka and orange juices
I was slightly tipsy
Not drunk

I would love if I could drink in moderation
Have one or two
And leave it at that
But I never seem to be able to do that
Once I start I just find it very hard to stop
Take my brother for instance
Last night he had two glasses of red wine
And left it at that
I could never do that

My family is kind of split down the middle
We have my mother
Who has two brothers and one sister
There seems to be no trace of addiction on her side of the family
Then we have my father
He has nine brothers and sisters
And almost every one of them has addiction issues
Then we have me and my two sisters and brother
My sisters and I all have had a brush with addiction
But my brother seems to have no problem is that area
It seems to be the luck of the draw

I grew up with addiction in my own house
The word itself was in my vocabulary from a young age
I know that I have the type of personality that can become addicted to anything
When I was a child it was white bread and sugar
Then as I grew in to a teenager
I became somewhat addicted to shoplifting
Then smoking at 14
Other drugs and alcohol
And heroin at 18
Which brought me to my knees

But my addiction comes in many weird and wonderful forms
Over the years I have been addicted to all kinds of things
Exercise
Weighing myself
Laxatives
Enemas
Television
Diet pills
Sleeping pills
The internet
If something makes me feel good
I want it again and again
And nothing will get in my way

Addiction is a terrible affliction
There is no doubt about that
It not only effects the addict
But like a ripple in a pond
It effects everyone around them
Not only does the addict get sick
But the whole family gets sick
Addiction very nearly tore my family apart
Actually it did
And it took us years to heal
We are still healing in a lot of ways
With addiction there is always a lot of learning
And a lot of growing
I had the opportunity to go to treatment a few times
And the things that I learned there have stayed with me
It was an amazing experience
I remember when I was there
We used to say that everyone should go to treatment
Not just addicts
Because you learn and grow so much there
Even though addiction very nearly ruined my  family
In a lot of ways it brought  us closer together
We weathered the storm
And came out stronger

Having an addictive personality means that I think differently to other 'normal' people
I do believe that us addicts are slightly different
We have a unique slant on things
That van be both a good thing and a bad thing
I know that I can be super sensitive
I can over think things
And twist them in my mind
But I am also more sensitive and more aware
I like that

Being an addict is part of who I am
Would I change it?
No
Life would be easier yes
Of course
But I wouldn't be me without it
If I lost my addiction
I would lose all those little quirks and foibles that make up my personality
So no
I wouldn't change it
My name is Ruby and I am an addict

Photobomb!

I just wanted to share this photo of me photobombing my uncle and my brother

It gave me a giggle

Hope it gives you one too.....