Setback?

Ok

Confession time

You know that I smashed my scale a couple of weeks ago 

And my house is a scale free zone

Or at least it was

It was great not weighing

Not knowing that number

Not holding my self worth hostage

It felt like freedom

A lite taste of what life could be like

I didn't miss the scale at all

On Tuesday 

I went for a walk with my friend

When I got out of the car

She commented that I had lost weight

And this girl would notice

as she has an eating disorder too

All that day her words rang in my ears

I went home

And asked my mum and sister if I had lost weight

They confirmed that I had

And also said I looked very pale

My curiosity was pricked

I was dying to know my weight 

The next day

I was in the pharmacy collecting my meds

As I waited

I clocked the public weighing scales in the corner

It was one of those new fangled fancy ones that calculates your BMI etc

I was tempted to stand on it

But I didn't

It was still on my mind though

The next day 

I was collecting my meds again

And again 

As I waited

I spotted weighing scales for sale in the corner of the store

Half price in the sale

I was drawn to them 

Like a magnet I felt pulled towards it

I picked it up 

It was a Weight Watchers scale

It calculated your BMI

You percentage water weight

And fat

I was mesmerised 

A brand new shiny scale

It was like Christmas all over again

I have to admit

I bought the scale

And brought it home

I tried to smuggle it in to my house

But I met my mother in the hall

She looked disappointed to say the least

But I was on a mission

I locked my bedroom door

Opened the box

Placed it on the wooden floor

Stripped

And stood on it

Of course the number meant absolutely nothing

As it was a different scale

And I hadn't weighed in a coue of weeks

So I don't know if I lost or gained

Clever Ruby

Very clever

Even though the scale has now taken up residence in my bedroom

I've only used it a couple of times

I'm not playing that game any more

No freakin' way

I had two glorious number free weeks

And I intend to proceed in the same way

So what to do with the scale?

I'm not sure 

But I'm sure I will think of something.....

Go ahead, make my day!

As you know 

I love getting post

Letters

Packages 

Parcels

Anything 

So I was delighted to get some very interesting looking post this afternoon

I recognised the senders address straight away

My beautiful Bella

I tore in to the wrapping

The first thing I came across was the lovely card

I had to giggle

Bella, you know me well

Then I saw all the chocolate

White chocolate, my favourite!

And there was more

A beautiful key ring with the word hope

That was sold on behalf of The Butterfly  Foundation

Which helps those suffering from eating disorders

Such a lovely thought

But there was still another package

I opened it to find the most beautiful blue apron

It is so pretty

And I am so delighted to have something made by Bella's fair hand

Thank you Bella

You are a absolute star

It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of the girls here in blogger

You blow me away

Again and again

Thank you

Lung Leavin' Day

A couple of weeks ago

I received an email from a man by the name of Cameron Von St James

Who shared with me his and his families story

Nine years ago

Cameron's wife Heather

Was diagnosed with mesothelioma

A rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos

Heather had just given birth to their daughter Lilly

And during the most exciting time in their lives

Heather was given just 15 months to live

After surgery to remove her left lung

Heather began her journey towards survival

And Lung Leavin' Day was born

A name Heather's sister gave the day Heathers lung was removed

In order to lighten the situation

The name stuck

And now the family celebrate it every year

On February 2nd

Lung Leavin' Day is about overcoming your fears

This year is the ninth year of celebrating it

The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears

Each year Cameron and Heather and their families gather together around a fire  in their back yard

Write their fears on to a plate

And smash them in to the fire

They celebrate for those who are no longer here

For those who continue to fight

For those who are currently going through a tough time in their lives

And most importantly

They celebrate life

I was really moved and touched by this story

What really stood out to me was the power and strength of the human spirit

The will to live is such an amazing thing

The instinct to survive keeps us going

Even though we may want to give up

I can relate to this story a lot

Overcoming my own fears is a daily battle

And the last six months have been especially testing

At my counselling appointment yesterday

My counsellor told me that I am a very determined person

I guess I am 

Although up until now

I only used that determination and stubbornness in a destructive way

But recently 

I have been using it as a power for good

To help myself

And others

For the longest time

I didn't care if I lived or died

In fact I courted death

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

Not actively seeking it

But welcoming it all the same

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

It seemed the only way out of my situation was to disappear

I really believed that was the only viable option

But the will to live is strong

Even though you think you don't want to live

It is always there

I began to fight

To fight for my life

And just like light seeping in to a dark room

I began to get a glimpse of what my life could be like

I began to see that there is life after ED and addiction

That there was more to me than my illness

Little by little

Things started to improve for me

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

I re-gained some weight

It was like inhaling a breath of fresh air after I had been drowning for so long

Every day since then has been one of growth and learning

It's scary

It's terrifying

It's overwhelming

It can be monotonous

Boring

But it's also exciting 

Life affirming

Beautiful

And heart warming

I am feeling again

The good and the bad

The ups and downs

The highs and the lows

It's a whole new world 

To feel again

To be present in the moment

To stop running from myself

To stop hating myself

Overcoming our fears is essential if we want to grow, learn and move forward

I often find that it is the thought of something is a lot scarier than the actual event itself 

It's the build up to it

The anticipation

It's the constant thinking about it that can cripple me

One thing I have learned in recent times

Is that I am a lot more capable than I thought I was

Fear is part and parcel of life

We can either let it hold us back

Or we can feel the fear and do it anyway

For me

It's baby steps all the way

Everything is new right now

And it's scary

But what is the alternative?

Letting feat rule my life?

I'm not willing to do that

So I invite you today 

To take part in Lung Leavin' Day on 2nd February

Let's not let fear run our lives

Let's be brave 

Let's be strong

We can do this

We can live the life of our dreams

It is possible

I truly believe that

Thank you Cameron and Heather 

For bringing this to my attention

For reminding me that I can face my fears

I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health

And Happy Lung Leavin' Day to you!

Confused.com

I remember a few months ago

Saying to one of my friends 

That I wished I had some boy drama in my life

And I meant it

Well now I do have some boy drama in my life

And as fun and exciting as it all is

I am thoroughly confused

The last few days have gone something like this

Sunday

I texted the boy

And invited him to call out the next day

As I thought I would have the house to myself

But it turned out that I didn't

So that idea was scratched 

Monday

We arranged to meet on Tuesday

After my counselling appointment

But then he texted that he had to work

So I headed home

And told him he could call out when he was done

Then he texted that he had a flat tyre

And could I go out to him

He the sent directions to his house

But I was feeling sleepy with my meds 

And didn't feel comfortable driving that far

So I was the last one to text

And to him to text me when he could meet up

That was last night

And I haven't heard from him since

I have to say

This is wrecking my head

The constant texting back and forth

The not knowing if he likes me

Or what he really wants

I was so tempted to send him a text asking him straight out if he likes me or what

I'm not sure if this is game playing

I hate game playing

I much rather someone would be honest with me

It saves so much time and energy

And the funny thing is

That I'm not even sure that I like this guy

And yet

I want him to like me

The rational part of me knows it's not a good idea to get involved with this guy

I know it could all end in tears

Every fibre of my being is telling me to stay away from him

Yet I feel strangely drawn to him

Why is that?

Is it because I want what I can't have?

Is it because he is a so called 'bad boy'?

Is it because he is the first guy that has featured in my life since I've started to recover?

I really don't know

As I have said before 

I am so rusty and out of practice as regards dating and matters of heart 

I feel like I teenager again

Trying to figure out if the boy likes me

Trying to figure out if I like him

Or if I like the idea of him

Reading his texts

Trying to read between the lines

Ay ay ay 

So ladies

My lovely ladies

I know some of you are in relationships

Some of you are married

And some of you are single like me 

I need your help

What do I do?

What should my next move be?

Do I text him again?

Or wait for him to get in touch with me?

My feeling is that I should wait for him to make the next move

But I could ge wrong

Damn this is so confusing 

I am so baffled people 

HELP!!!!!!

Counselling

I had my first counselling appointment this morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

I used to see this lady a few years ago

And always found her good

One of the better therapists I have seen over the years

It took me a while to find the place

I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car

Even though I have been driving for years

I am not very confident

But then I am not very confident in general 

So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life

Anyway

I found it eventually 

I knocked on the door

And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room

There was a clock ticking

And the obligatory box of tissues on the table

I settled in to my seat

And we began by talking about where we had left off

I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital

So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover

How my mood and anxiety have improved

And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard

She asked me what I would like to work on

So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem

And how I have very little belief in myself

How my bulimia persists 

And how I want to move on with my life

She asked me where I would like to move too

I told I wouldn't to be more sociable

Get my purging under control

And get back in to real life

As in doing a course

Or getting a job

She asked me if that's what I want

I said I feel I should do these things

And I do feel that

It's not necessarily what I want

But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far

She said I had a lot of determination 

That I can do anything I set my mind to

At one point she said I was 'some woman'

I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened

I tend to focus on what I haven't done

Rather than what I have done

She listed out the thins o have done

Beaten drug addiction

Alcoholism

I have up smoking

I maintain a healthy weight

Worked on myself

And the way I feel about myself

It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety

Breathing

Awareness

Mindfulness

Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head

And I need that

Practical ways to deal with these things

I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today

My butterflies are very busy

I was supposed to go to his house

But now I think he is coming here

I guess when I spend some time with him

It will become clear whether I like him or not

At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news

I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist

That is amazing

I'm hoping it's true

I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day

And she commented that I look like I have lost weight

The ED part of me was delighted

And I got a little buzz

That feeling is addictive

I just want more and more of it

I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost

And they confirmed it

It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world

But I won't 

I won't let that happen

I have too much to lose now

So I am doing my level best to get back on track

I know that my weight is still settling down

And I have lost weight

But I am still in the healthy weight range

I am ok with it with my weight

I don't hate it

I don't love it

It is what it is

My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy

I think that is my set point

So all in all

Life is good at the moment

I have my health

And my mental health 

That is all I need

For now.......

Heart or Head?

Doctor day today

Dr M had a medical student observing today

So he was a lot more professional than usual

I played along

Like the good little recovering anorectic that I am

I asked him about my meds

And if I could go in to the pharmacy less frequently

He said that as things were going well

He would leave it as daily dispensed for another week

I guess that is best

If it ain't broke right?

He asked me if I'd had my counselling appointment yet

I told him my first one was tomorrow

Which it is

So that is progress me thinks

I'm in good form at the moment

My mood is stable

I'm having very little cravings

My weight is ok

I'm seeing friends 

And even seeing a boy

More of which later

But I still have a lot of work to do

The purging persists

Sometimes I can trick myself in to thinking that it's ok to purge 2 -4 times a day

Because at least I am not purging 10- 20 times a day

Yes it's an improvement

But to all intents and purposes

I am still very much bulimic

I still binge and purge

I still use food in an unhealthy way

Hopefully seeing a counsellor will be able to help me with that

Now

About the boy

We were texting yesterday

I asked him if he wanted to call out here today

As I thought I'd have the house to myself

But now it looks like I won't

So I need to tell him that

And maybe arrange to do something else

I am very confused about this situation

I really don't know if I like him or not

I mean

He is a lovely guy

I think he is attractive

But I don't know if I like him more than just as a friend

I was talking with my sister and her friend

They were asking me if I get butterflies when I think of him

I do

And I think about him a lot

He's always on my mind

I love to see that he has texted

And I generally feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think about seeing him

But 

Matters of the heart are never straight forward

There are other factors at play

He is my ex boyfriends best friend

Does that make it weird?

I'm really not sure

Also I'm not sure if I like him

Or like the idea of him

Or maybe because we used to use together 

He represents danger and intrigue 

And anyway

He might not like me at all

I my boy radar could be way off

As I have said before

I am so rusty and out of practice

I really can't tell one way or the other

I haven't had a boyfriend in years

And I've never had a boyfriend while clean and sober

This is unchartered territory

And it is scary

Confusing

Mind boggling

And baffling

Why can't men and women be more forth coming and straight forward with each other?

Why can't we be open and honest

Lay all our cards on the table

Then everyone would know what was happening

It would completely eliminate the guess work

The trying to read the other persons mind

The reading of texts

And trying to read between the lines

And figure out what the other person really means

Take yesterday

The Boy took ages to reply to my text

What is that all about?

Why can't people text straight away

That would have saved me hours of agony

And because he took ages to reply

I decided to wait a while before replying

Isn't that playing mind games?

Is it being strategic

I hate these games

No good can come if it 

So I need your help dear friends

How do I know if I really have feelings for him?

How do I know I'd  he has feelings for me?

Is there a test or something I can take?

I'm kidding

But you know what I mean

Part of me thinks we should just stay friends

As anything else can turn sour and ruin a friendship

But the truth is that I would love to meet someone

And I think I am now getting to a place where that is possible

Up until now

A relationship just hadn't been on my radar

I was too sick to contemplate it

But now

Well now that I am a lot more stable

I feel ready to share my life with someone

I'm just not sure if this person is the right person

The good news is that this is a lot of fun

It's a feel good thing

I feel like I am really starting to live life

And that is an amazing feeling

I just need a little girl to girl advice

So any input is greatly appreciated

What do info ladies?

How do I know if I really like him?

And if he really likes me?

My gut feeling tells me that this is a bad idea

So do I go with my heart?

Or my head?

I think I already know the answer 

But I would love to know what you think

The Bed War

As you know

Honey had her eye operation last Monday

And as she stayed with my Dad for a couple of days

He went out and bought her a brand new bed

Now Honey gets very attached to her beds

She spends most of her life in bed

Sometimes she moved her bed around

Putting it in the best vantage point

Her bed is currently in the utility room

Tucked in under the work top 

She loves it there

She can see everything 

The kitchen

Lea

The garden

Oh yes

Her bed is in a prime location

So when Honey was well enough to travel

My Dad brought her and her new bed up here

She now had two beds 

And we placed the new one in the kitchen beside the radiator

Honey pretty much ignored the new bed at first

Didn't even look at it

But over the course of the week

It became more and more appealing to her

First she went over and sniffed it

Then she might stand on it for a minute

And now she is using as her 'Day bed'

As in she uses it to lounge in during the day

And keeps her other bed for night time

So it was very funny today when I walked in to the kitchen 

And saw that Lea was in 

Honeys day bed

Honey was outside at the time

And so had no idea that Lea had laid claim to the new bed

I immediately got my phone out to take a shot of her

Here are Lea and  Honey and said beds