Hangin' with Honey and Lea

I feel like I haven't posted any photos of Lea and Honey in recent times

This year they both turned ten

But you really wouldn't think it

They are both still a bundle of energy and fun

They continue to be a source of great joy in my life 

We are closer than close 

Last week they went to the doggy hairdresser

And got brand spanking new haircuts 

So now they look super cute and fresh and clean

Here are some photos of us this morning 

New blogs?

As you know 

I love to read

Whether it is a book

A blog

A newspaper 

I love being a part of blogger

To follow the stories of the wonderful ladies here

I don't really use any other social media

I'm not in to Facebook

I don't have Twitter or Instagram

For me

My blog is where I document my life

My thoughts 

My ups and downs

Every little thing that happens in my life is carefully recorded

My memory is not the best these days 

So when I read back in my blog

It's like it all happened to someone else

I follow quite a lot of blogs

And I'm always on the look out for new blogs 

So I'm wondering what are your top 3 blogs?

Have you found any new blogs recently that you would like to share?

Maybe you have just started writing 

And would like to put your blog out there for more people to read?

I always love to find a new and exciting blogs to read 

And I must stress 

The blogs you share don't necessarily have to be about EDs or addiction

They could be about absolutely anything 

As it is more the way it's written that concerns me 

Your blog could be about train spotting 

But if it is written well

Then I will read it 

This is an invite for you to get in touch with your blog 

Or to share someone else's 

A blog you think is funny

Or poignant

Or moving 

Or interesting 

Or so ridiculous that it makes no sense

I want to hear about them all

So do get in touch

I'll look forward to hearing from you....

Something wicked this way comes.....

For a while there 

My ED was in the background 

It had never fully gone away

But it wasn't the main focus of my life

And it had gone somewhat underground 

I guess because now that I am a healthy weight

People who know no better presume that I am recovered

Fixed 

All better 

When the truth is that I am still struggling 

People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymore

And I am too

The thing is 

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick

And I don't want to die anymore 

I really don't

I want to live 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually want to live 

And more than be thin

I just want to feel ok in my skin

My eating is still very disorderd 

I don't eat regular meals and snacks 

I graze through out the day

And if I do eat a meal 

It doesn't stay down

Granted 

I don't binge and purge the way I used to 

It used to be constant

From the minute I woke up 

Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physically

I was purging up to 20 times a day 

Every day I promised would be the last 

But then I would get up the next morning

And the whole horrid cycle would start again

It was relentless 

Unforgiving 

A living hell

But just as quickly as it started 

It stopped 

Just like that 

Not completely of course

I still purge

But no where near as much as I used to

It was around the time that my meds were tweaked 

In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

It was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose 

I just couldn't go on that way anymore

It was killing me

Killing me slowly 

It came down to a simple choice

It was either recover 

Or die 

The past couple of weeks have been tough 

And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point 

It's funny how when things go belly up

We go back to the things that comfort us

That quell the anxiety 

And ease the pain 

My mental and physical health have suffered recently

I have been to a meeting in two weeks 

My ED has been back in the driving seat

And I'm constantly looking for ways to escape

I feel hurt and used 

And I feel let down by people who should know better

But that's life I guess

There are bad people out there 

I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 

I was Googling something this morning

And a weight calculator popped up

It was one where you enter your gender

Your age 

and your height 

And it tells you the healthy weight range for you

Being 5'4

It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 pounds

I'm in the lower range of this range

And I was glad about that 

But I have to say 

That the number doesn't mean as much as it used to

I used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the number

But now 

I feel very little 

As long as my clothes fit me 

And I feel ok 

I am good 

But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained 

I don't know if they will ever change 

There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in September

I think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the course

But Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value 

Then hopefully they wouldn't cut it

So I have the letters 

And I have accepted my place on the course 

I just don't know if I'm ready

I mean 

In a lot of ways it would be good for me

Getting out 

Getting an education

Meeting new people 

But another part

The part that is afraid and full of anxiety 

Wants to stay home 

Watch tv

And drift in and out of sleep 

Because even though I am loathe to admit it

That's what I'm doing at the moment 

I don't know guys

I know I can't go on like this forever 

And it's no way to live 

But it's comfortable 

It keeps me nicely numb 

I don't have to worry about anything 

And the truth is 

That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it 

More bearable 

And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugs

I don't have to worry about money 

Or where I'm going to stay 

Or how I'm going to get the drug

It's all written down on a script

That is given to a pharmacist 

And then handed to me over a counter

I don't even have to pay for it

And I must stress 

That this is the case 

Even when I don't misuse my meds

When I take them as prescribed

I am still on the nod 

Still sedated 

And sleepy 

And God forgive me for enjoying that 

It's down to me how things go from here

I can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill me

Or I can stand up and fight

I'm just so very tired of fighting 

So tired of having to pick myself up 

Again and again 

But I will

It's not my style to give up 

So I won't 

And that's a promise 

Sick

Apologies 

Just a quick post today

I've been up since the early hours with s funny tummy

Think I might have a bug

So back to bed for me 

And plenty of fluids

Hopefully normal service will resume tomorrow

The aftermath

I I'm trying to move on after the whole date debacle 

And also my 'friend'

I'm wondering what is wrong with me

Why people think it's ok to treat me this way

I can't decide what to do about my friend

She texted this morning

Asking me to call in to her 

I haven't replied yet 

It's like sometimes she the nicest person 

And then other times she is just down right rude

I know she wants to be friends with me

But as we've got closer

I see another side to her

One that I don't like

My food has suffered through all of this

I've been so anxious and on edge the last couple of weeks

That eating properly has been last on my list 

When I'm anxious

I literally can't eat

It's been noticed by family members 

My weight too

I don't know if I've lost 

As I have no battery for my scale

And keep forgetting to get one

But my clothes feel a little looser

God forgive me for enjoying that

This would be the perfect excuse to jump head first back in to my ED or addiction

To hit that big self destruct button that has been gathering dust the last few months

I'm not going to lie to you

I over used my meds today

Just to check off the planet for a while

To escape the noise in my head 

And for the sweet release of sleep 

Tomorrow I will get back on track

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting

Tomorrow I will take my meds correctly 

Tomorrow I will meet my friend from treatment

Tomorrow I will start eating properly 

Tomorrow I will start as I mean to go on

Today I just need a day off 

To escape 

To lick my wounds 

And wait for time to heal

I'm not ok

But I will be

Tomorrow...

Let down again.....

So

It's three days later after the whole date debacle

And I'm happy to report that I am well and truly on the mend 

I have built a nice big bridge

And am slowly but surely getting over it

Saturday I was quite distraught

But I can't tell you how glad I am that I stuck to my guns and didn't go along with his 'horny teenager' antics

Oh the relief is just immense 

I just have to keep telling myself 

This was only practise for the real thing

Which I'm sure will happen

All in good time

Through this whole thing

You my little blogger family have been there every step of the way

As well as my Mum and my sister

I couldn't have got through this without you all

And I am so grateful for that 

My 'best friend' has been no where to be seen

Even though she knew I was going on a date

She texted me Saturday

Wanting to know why she hadn't heard from me

I told her about the date 

She seemed more interested in her own stuff

It was then I got the call from The Plumber

So I texted my friend what he had said

I was starting to get really upset

So I decided to ring said friend

No answer

A few minutes later I got a text from her saying that she was hoovering and couldn't answer

What the......?

She texted me yesterday

Didn't mention the date 

I texted her that I wasn't feeling well

'What's that all about?' She texted back

 

I don't know guys 

Am I being overly sensitive?

I don't think so 

I spoke to my Mum about it

She said that if I want to be friends with this girl 

I have to accept that she is the way she is

I'm just not entirely sure I want a friend like this

I'm starting to think that I might be a push over

A door mat 

A people pleaser

Maybe I need to toughen up

Stand up for myself 

Because it seems to be a pattern now that people are walking all over me

And I don't like it 

To be honest

I am more hurt by my friend

The Plumber was just a random guy

Chancing his arm

My friend is a different story 

She should know better

She should know a lot better

I remember reading somewhere once 

That people treat you the way you let them

And I think I've been letting people treat me like shit

This has to stop

And I must stop it

Instead of worrying about people who are not worth worrying about 

I'm going to throw myself head first in to my recovery

I'm going to bang in the meetings

Focus on myself 

And getting stronger

Stick with the winners as they say

It's tough

But I guess we have to be picky about who we choose to have in our lives 

Who we spend time with

Who we tell our secrets to

Who we listen to

Who we confide in 

Because people are human 

They are not infallible 

We make mistakes

We hurt others 

And we get hurt

But I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line and start looking after ourselves

Protect ourselves from these kind of people

I guess it's down to me to decide who I allow in to my life

But I don't live in a big city 

Where I can avoid people if I want to

And make new friends easily

I live in a small town 

Where I am bound to run in to these people at some point

But hey 

I will cross that bridge when I come to it

I also forgot to tell you

When I was in Belfast

My friend texted me and asked me why I wasn't texting her back 

I told her why

She turned the whole thing back on me

And said I had stood her up many times

And that she was always there for me

We were texting back and forth 

I could tell she was pissed 

But I actually ended up apologising to her

How f**ked up is that?

I'm not looking for a whole lot of friends

I don't care how many Facebook friends I have

I just want a couple of people who I can trust and rely on

In actual fact 

I do have that

I have my friend from treatment who is a true friend

And my other friend Paul 

Who I've known since I moved here

Interestingly 

They are both a lot older than me

I think I tend to get on better with older people 

So at least I know that 

For now 

I will tend to my wounds 

And let myself heal

As they say

Once bitten 

Twice shy

And I've been bitten more than one person should 

Over before it even started

So yesterday was tough

During the day 

I took some time to recover from the stress of the whole date situation 

I called over to my neighbour

I thought she would be interested to hear about the date 

Seeing as she had a hand in getting us together

Her reaction was very strange

At first when I told her 

She seemed really confused

Like she didn't know what to say

Then she asked me if I was sure he didn't have a girlfriend hidden away somewhere

And quickly changed the subject

I left

Feeling like something felt fishy about the whole situation

Then last night he rang 

I missed the call

And rang him back about 40 minutes later

Straight off he said that he'd had a nice time the night before 

But didn't want to take things further

I didn't know what to say

So I said I felt the same way too

And that it would probably be best if we stayed friends

I got off the phone

Feeling a little  shell shocked

The first thing I thought was thank God I didn't go along with him the night before

Thank God I stuck to my guns and out a stop to it

As I am now thinking that he was only after one thing

And that he possibly still has a girlfriend 

Even though I wasn't sure if I liked him or not

I still felt hurt and rejected 

I had told everyone that the date went well

And I just felt so stupid and used

Of course it's his perogative whether he likes me or not

But the reaction of my neighbour

And him pouncing on me

It just doesn't add up

I won't lie

I almost fell apart last night

I shed a few tears 

Spoke to my mother and my sister 

The general consensus was that he wasn't worth my tears

But I still felt stung

I mean

I can't stress how much of a big deal it was for me to go on this date

I was so anxious that I hadn't eaten for two and a half days

The whole thing has just left a bad taste in my mouth

I went to bed early last night

And wine in the early hours with trapped wind 

I was so uncomfortable 

I kept having to go to the bathroom

It finally disapated this morning 

Over all I feel better this morning 

Last night I felt like such a failure

Such a freak

That no one could like or love me

I went from zero to suicidal very quickly 

I also craved drugs like nobodies business 

Anything just to get away from these horrible feelings

So that's it

It's over before it even started

It's left me feeling confused and rejecrted 

And pretty sure that he still has a girlfriend 

I'm just sorry that he picked me to use 

As I really don't have the emotional strength for this kind of thing

This morning I feel a little better

Determined to pick myself up and move on

I've decided to throw myself in to my recovery 

And improving myself 

So that the next time this happens 

I will be in a better position to deal with it

My first date hasn't been a great experience

But then he didn't know that 

As ever

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going 

It's just hard to stay positive all the time

It's hard to stay together

But I will 

What other choice do I have?