New do

As you know

I had half my head shaved a few months ago

Well

I say shaved 

It was actually cut very short

But not quite shaved 

The hair has grown back quite quickly

And instead of heading back to the hairdresser like a normal person 

I asked my sister to shave it

But then the only shaver I could find was the dogs clippers 

I must stress

I had not use it on the dogs at all 

It was fresh out of the box

This time I really did shave it

And I'm really liking it

Who knows 

I might even shave my head if the fancy takes me!

Anyway

Enough with the words

Here are the photos....

TV Opportunity

Yesterday

I was contacted by a lady called Natasha 

From a production company called The Connected Set

She informed me about an upcoming programme they are making about eating disorders 

And asked me if I could share their information on my blog

To see if anyone is interested

Below is her contact information 

--

Do you suffer from an eating disorder?

Are you willing to share your experiences with the nation, working alongside fellow sufferers in a unique one-off television programme?

We're looking to speak to present sufferers of disordered eating conditions including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, emotional over eating, orthorexia and other related conditions, to take part in a unique psychologist facilitated TV format combining group therapy with cooking.

If you are over 18, live in the Republic of Ireland, and are available for filming in Dublin the week before Christmas then we would love to hear from you.  

We are looking to bring awareness to the problem of eating disorders across Ireland in a responsible and medically safe way.  If you're interested in finding out more please drop us an email with more information about yourself and your contact details.

Contact details:

Natasha Mwansa

natasha@theconnectedset.com

The Connected Set

-- 

Natasha Mwansa

Development Team, The Connected Set
office: 020 8617 1744
address: UGLI Campus, 56 Wood Lane, London W12 7SB
twitter: @theconnectedset  

web: http://theconnectedset.com

For more casting opportunities Like our TCS Casting page

Sign up for the TCS quarterly newsletter here

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DISCLAIMER: This email does not constitute any kind of contract (explicit or implied) between The Connected Set Limited and the recipient. Any views or opinions presented are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent The Connected Set Limited. Such communication is outside the scope of the employment of the individual concerned. This e-mail (and any files contained within the email) is confidential and protected by copyright (and other intellectual property rights). If you are not the intended recipient please e-mail the sender and then delete the email and any attached files immediately. Any further use or dissemination is prohibited. Computer viruses can be transmitted by Email, it is your responsibility to ensure that this message and any attachments are virus free and do not affect your systems / data. Communicating by email is not 100% secure and carries risks such as delay, data corruption, non-delivery, wrongful interception and unauthorised amendment. If you communicate with us by e-mail, you acknowledge and assume these risks, and you agree to take appropriate measures to minimise these risks when e-mailing us. The Connected Set Limited, registered in England and Wales, company number 7439728.

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Outside

A few months ago

I saw a photo on Facebook

It was of an old woman

With a quote beside it

I can't remember the quote exactly

But the essence of her message has stayed with me ever since 

And that message was

If you just go outside wonderful things can 

You never know who you might meet

What might happen 

If you just step outside your front door 

The possibilities are endless

For a long time

I used to get up before dawn

At 6am

Sometimes 5am

To get everything done early

To walk my dogs 

Do my shopping 

Which was usually binge food

And when I saw I did my shopping 

I mean that I stole my shopping 

It's hard to imagine being in thdt place now 

I can't fathom stealing anything now 

But back then 

I was in a dark place

So yes

I got up early 

To avoid people 

To avoid having to talk to Anyone 

To avoid life 

Back then 

I usually arrived home before 9am

And depending on the day

I would either spend the day drinking

Or abusing prescription drugs

Or bingeing and purging 

It was a relentless attack on my self 

I stayed in my living room all day

Watching TV

Zoning in and out of consciousness 

Sleeping my life away 

Today 

My life is different

Now I don't make myself get up so early 

I get up at about 8am

I do t go crazy trying to get everything done

I take my time 

Walk the dogs 

Do my bits and pieces 

Go in to town 

Meet a friend 

Live my life

Today is a great example of how going outside is good for the soul

Honey has a sore paw, poor love

So myself and Lea headed out in the car

We parked in the village 

And walked down to the wooded area beside the woods

There we met a woman with a beautiful little shitzu 

We spoke for a few minutes 

About our dogs 

Until Lea barked and wanted to go

Having a dog is a great way to meet people I find 

I love talking about my dogs

And I love talking to people about their dogs 

Yesterday I was down at the lake

And when I got back to my car

Someone had left a packet of dog treats under the wiper of my car

How nice was that!

After our walk 

I decided to go for a swim

I've recently started going back swimming

I stopped going when the weather got really bad last year

And once you stop going 

It's hard to go back

But with my sisters help

I started back last week

And am thoroughly enjoying it again 

While in the pool

I met a woman who I used to meet last year

We had a lovely chat 

About anything and everything

After 100 lengths 

I left the pool feeling great

Squeaky clean

Like I had done a really good work out 

I came home 

Had my breakfast 

And felt like I really earned it

This is just a small example 

Of how if you go outside 

Wonderful things can happen

Often times 

The biggest battle I have 

Is getting off the couch

And out the front door 

But once I am out 

I am always glad I made the effort 

Whether it's going for a walk 

Or going to a meeting 

Or meeting a friend 

It's always worth it 

I know it can be tempting 

To stay in doors 

Especially during these cold months 

But if you go outside 

Even just in to town 

Or the local shop

You never know what might happen 

Or who you might meet 

It's the same with writing this blog

Because I put myself out there 

In a very public way

Amazing things have happened since I started writing this blog 

The best of all being that I have made the best of friends 

I have a feeling at the moment

That good things are on the way

Got so long

I had this horrible sense of impending doom

I felt like something awful was going to happen

And it often did

But for me and my family

Things are beginning to turn around 

As you know 

My family has had more than its fair share of trouble and stress

I grew up in an unhappy home 

With a horrible atmosphere 

And addiction 

I lost my way for a long time 

And at one point 

Four out of six of my family were in active addiction

I can not describe to you how miserable those years were

But now 

The four of us are in recovery 

And I can't remember a time when things were better

My family are closer than ever

Even though my parents are separated 

We still all meet up regularly 

And my Dad often stays here 

When my Mum was working

My parents used to swap houses during the week

A strange concept I know

But it worked for them

I am so grateful that my family is now on the mend 

And in a good place 

God knows we have been through the wars 

Now we get on

We laugh 

We meet up regularly 

We support each other 

And love each other through the ups and downs of life 

As my Mum often says 

Given what we have been through 

We are not doing too badly 

Again

I feel grateful today 

For my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I feel so blessed to have been through addiction and mental illness 

And made it out the other side relatively unscathed 

I get on with every member of my family 

And have never been so close to them

Even though I live with my Mum

It feels more like I share a house with her 

Rather than like living with a parent 

I love living with my Mum

We get on so well

And enjoy each other's company

Then there is Honey and Lea

The light of my life 

They bring so much life and energy and fun to our house 

They are getting older now 

They are both ten

But they are still as lively as ever 

And I love them to the stars and back

So today 

I urge you to go outside 

If you are struggling 

If your mental or physical health is not great 

If you are battling mental illness or addiction

If you feel depressed

Anxious 

Or even suicidal 

If you are afraid 

Afraid of others 

Of life 

Of yourself 

If you feel trapped 

Like there is no way out 

Like you are struggling 

Drowning 

Falling apart

Breaking in to pieces 

If you don't like yourself 

Hate yourself in fact 

If you just want to hide away in your house 

If life has beaten you down 

And you feel like you want to give up

Please 

Go outside 

For for a walk 

Talk to a stranger

Smile at someone 

Acknowledge someone 

You never know what might happen

Who you might end up speaking to

Wonderful things can happen 

If you just make the effort to get out there 

Out in the world 

With others 

You never know what might happen

Do it

Do it today 

It will be worth it

I promise you.....

Way back when.... Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yes

I had spent two weeks in hospital 

And was being moved to the local psychiatric hospital 

I really didn't want to go

But what was the alternative?

Go home and continue on my path of self  destruction?

Again 

I didn't have the energy to put up a fight

So on the Sunday evening

After tea (Scrambled eggs and toast if you are interested)

I packed my little bag

And my father came to take me on the short trip to the hospital

It was a menacing looking place 

I didn't have a good feeling about it at all

All I could hope is that I wouldn't be there very long 

We were ushered in

And left to wait in an office for what felt like hours 

Mid wait

A student nurse and a patient came in and used the weighing scales in the corner of the room 

The patient was talking a mile a minute

And when she saw me, she said

'Don't worry young one, they'll feed you up in here, you'll be fine'

I was too scared to say anything

I just wanted to run out of the building and away from this place and these people

Eventually 

I was officially admitted

I was given a little room of my own 

I was so glad I wasn't sharing a room

Then I ventured up to the smoking room

There were a few women sitting in there 

I walked over 

And asked for a light 

A girl with a shaved head stood up and stuck out her hand to me 

I shook it 

She was also talking at great speed

There were a few characters 

All chain smoking and drinking tea 

There was a group 

Huddled over by the window

And a couple of women sitting on their own at the side 

Strangely 

I didn't feel afraid anymore 

Girl with the shaved head took me under her wing 

To me she seemed the most sane out of everyone 

But that didn't last long

It was when she started telling me that she had no asshole that I realised that she wasn't quite as sane as I thought

Everyone commented on my weight 

It seemed that this was a place where everyone said exactly what they thought

And again 

I got the feeling that staff didn't quite know what to do with me

They did lay down some ground rules for me though 

I had to be escorted to the bathroom

I couldn't go to the bathroom for an hour after eating 

And after eating I had to lie down in my room for an hour 

I rarely kept to the rules though 

And I refused to have someone escort me to the bathroom 

I did lie down after meals though

But then started the disgusting habit of purging in to plastic bags and hiding them in my wardrobe

I would lie on my bed at night

There was a a small window in the door of my room

Sometimes I would look up

And there would be two eyes staring in the window 

I put my head under the covers

And pretended that I was at home

There were so many characters in the hospital

There was the hospital bully

The same woman who weighed herself when I was waiting to be admitted 

She was loud and brash

And insisted she was only in hospital to get dental work done 

She preyed on the more vulnerable patients 

Although she left me alone 

Probably because I had family and friends in every day 

Some patients had no body 

I remember being at dinner one day 

The bully ordered one of the more quiet women to get her something 

I piped up and said no get it yourself 

She wasn't used to people standing up to her 

There was the woman with severe mental and physical disabilities who lived in the hospital

She would howl in the night

She must've been in such distress

The staff were pretty awful to her

I heard one asking another if this woman took sugar in her tea

The other staff member replied that 'it didn't matter'

I can clearly remember thinking that I'm sure it matters to the woman whether there is sugar in her tea or not

There was the English girl 

Who barely spoke a word

She had a personality disorder 

And thought she was Angelina Jolie

She had been admitted after trying to take out money out of the bank in the actresses name

The bank called the police

And she was brought to the hospital

She had a boyfriend that called up to her every evening 

They had met in hospital 

They sat wrapped around each other

The staff constantly telling them to stop

Then at Christmas 

The boyfriend arrived up to the hospital dressed in a tuxedo with a flower in his hand 

He came in to the smoking room 

Got down on one knee 

And proposed to Angelina

It was surreal to say the least

There were many others 

The girl who had post partum depression

And sat in the corner knitting all day

She was a nurse too

And the staff were lovely to her

There was the girl who every time she went out, she brought the TV remote control with her

That used to drive me mad!

There was the petite blonde from Dublin who had repeatedly tried to kill herself 

Then there was the lady who I saw in the doctors yesterday

She was admitted just before Christmas 

She had three kids 

And a husband who was not very nice to her

I remember the day we put up the Christmas decorations

This lady dressed the tree so beautifully

She also used to help in the kitchen 

She seemed to like to be busy

She was quiet 

Gentle 

Really pretty 

When I saw her yesterday 

She had gained a lot of weight

No doubt from the olanzapine she was almost definitely on

The doctors seemed to put everyone on it

And a lot of people in that hospital were very over weight 

But seeing this lady yesterday brought back a lot of memories 

So I guess that's why I'm writing these posts 

It was eight years ago now 

I remember the staff and patients has Christmas dinner 

There was a fizzy Apple drink on the table

And I remember some of the patients thought it was wine

I remember going home for Christmas 

And my sister and mother dropping me back to the hospital two days later

I remember looking out the window 

They were both in tears in each other's arms 

It broke my heart 

After Christmas 

I got word that a place in treatment had become available for me

I went home the night before I left 

That was the worst time I can remember in my ED history 

Thankfully 

That is all in the past 

And hopefully it will stay there 

Way back when....

As you know by now

Monday is doctor day for me

It's good really

As it gives my day some structure 

And keeps me accountable where drug use is concerned 

And I always enjoy the little chat with my doctor

Which most of the time is not about medical issues

This morning he was unusually late 

So it was 10am by the time I got to the chemist

As I was a sitting waiting to see my doctor

I saw a woman I thought I recognised 

She was walking away from me 

So I didn't see her clearly 

But then I saw her in the chemist 

She was sitting down 

I caught her eye 

And she smiled 

Did she recognise me too?

I'm not quite sure 

I walked the length of the shop

Trying to figure out where I knew her from

She had a kind face

But looked so very sad

And you just wanted to give her a big hug

And tell her it will be ok

Then it hit me 

I knew I knew her from somewhere 

She was a patient in the same psychiatric  hospital that I was in back in 2007

2007 was a really bad year 

I was dabbling in buying prescription benzodiazepines 

And I hit an all time low weight 

I was in poor physical health 

But had no idea how dire my predicament was

I was working 

How, I managed to hold down a job I do not know 

I was running off of fumes 

I  was 25 

I was feeling so bad back then

That one day my mother insisted I go in to casualty 

I didn't have the strength to object

So I agreed 

I have vague memories of a drip being fitted

Various medical staff trying to talk me

But I was just a shell of a person

Their words bounced off me without any impact 

I was eventually moved to a ward 

A private room in fact 

I remember asking for sleeping tablets 

And more sleeping tablets 

Which they gave me

I was in a state of semi consciousness

And thoroughly enjoyed it

I was mainly left to my own devices

Didn't eat a thing

They didn't seem to know what to do with me

Or how to deal with me

I was discharged a week later

Only to be admitted again soon after

This time was different 

There seemed to be a plan in place 

I later heard that days before I arrived

A young girl died from anorexia 

So they took my case very seriously 

I had done as assessment for a treatment centre 

So I was trying to hold ground until a place came up

I remember being taken to a ward

I was weighed 

I then heard a nurse gasp and say I was 34 kilos

It meant nothing to me

I was beyond caring about my weight

There was just nothing going on behind my eyes 

I was dead inside 

I was moved to another ward

A health care worker sat with me 24 hours a day 

I saw the psych team

The dietician 

The social worker 

I was in an observation ward

And was escorted to the bathroom 

But even so 

I managed to purge 

To hide food 

Slip my Ensures in to the bin

It's amazing how devious a person can be when they put their mind to it 

I remember the student nurses 

They were lovely 

They sat and spoke to me

Encouraged me

Yet I felt that staff were wary of me

That they didn't know quite how to handle me

They wouldn't let me walk anywhere 

I had to sit in a wheel chair to go for smokes 

I had no idea that I was so ill and underweight 

And wondered what all the fuss was about 

One of my tricks was to use the bathroom downstairs to purge 

When family members brought me down there 

One day a student nurse followed me in

And interrupted me mid purge

I was mortified 

Back up on the ward 

I saw the same nurse wiping away tears 

But I had no idea why I had upset her

It's only now 

Years later 

That I can see how that incident could have upset her 

A week later 

And a place in treatment still hadn't come up

They were discussing the fact that I was on methadone 

And whether they could accommodate that

So it was decided that I would be moved to the local psychiatric hospital

I was terrified at the prospect 

I pictured films like One flew over the cuckoos nest

And Girl interrupted 

But the general hospital wouldn't keep me

And my family wanted me to stay safe until a place in treatment came up

Life in the general hospital was fine 

I spent my days resting 

Spending time with family 

Reading and writing 

I was content to be there 

As I was still managing to engage in behaviours

I was weighed every second day

I gained a minute amount in the couple of weeks I was there 

This post has become longer than planned

And I haven't even written about the last I saw today yet

So I will split this post in to two

And take up where I left off tomorrow

To be continued....

Hello hello!

It seems that blogger has gone a bit quiet again

There are the same core group of writers 

But it seems every day another blogger drops off the face of the blogosphere 

Please let me know if you are there

If you are reading 

If not commenting 

If you are lurking 

If you are dropping in every day

Or from time to time 

If you are struggling 

Struggling to hold it together 

Struggling with your ED

Addiction

Depression

Anxiety

BPD

Or some other mental illness 

If you have all but given up hope 

If you can't see a way out 

If you are falling with out a safety net

If you have surrendered to your demons

If you can't face another day

In this head

This body 

This life 

If you are afraid 

Terrified of life without your crutch 

If your thoughts torment you

So negative 

And so destructive

If you can't ask for help

You want to

But you can't 

If you feel like giving up

Because you don't have the energy to keep fighting 

If you feel beaten down by life

By your illness

If you are thinking of disappearing

Because you believe you are nothing but a burden

If you are holding on by your fingertips 

Slipping everyday

If you are frustrated because people presume thdt you look well so you much be well 

If you have a passive death wish

But also if you are in recovery 

If you are fighting back 

If you refuse to give in to your demons 

If you are fighting for a better life 

For you and your family 

If you have been knocked down 

But you keep getting back up

Dusting yourself off

And start again 

If you are in treatment 

Inpatient

Struggling to meet your goals 

And regain weight 

Or if you are outpatient 

And trying to recover with the support of home and your family and friends 

If you believe that there is life after addiction and ED 

If you are working to regain weight

Maintain weight

Or lose weight 

If you have slipped or relapsed

And are trying to get back on track 

If you believe you deserve better 

If you want better for yourself 

If you want to like

And even love yourself 

If you want to live 

Let me know 

Who you are?

What is your story?

Where are you in your life?

Why do you read? 

What do you want out of life?

And recovery?

Let me know you are out there....

Interview

A while ago

I was contacted by a lady called Angela 

Who writes a blog called Fucking awesome bulimics I know

Angela found my blog through the Healthline compilation

And contacted me to ask me if she could interview me for her site

We were emailing back and forth 

She is in New Zealand 

And I am in Ireland

So we arranged to Skype today

Her evening 

And my morning at 8 30am

I literally woke up at 8 26am

So I jumped out of bed 

And turned on my laptop 

My face wasn't washed 

My hair wasn't brushed 

But I had no time to do either 

So I just rubbed my tired eyes

And hoped I didn't look too sleepy 

It was great speaking to Angela 

She is smart 

So funny 

Honest 

And so real 

We laughed a lot 

Which was great 

As I think it is so important to retain a sense of humour 

No matter how bad things get 

We talked about my childhood

Her childhood

When out EDs started and how

Family background 

Treatment 

The media 

Social media and the effect it has on us as eating disordered women

We talked about therapy 

Mary 

Angela's therapist

I couldn't believe it when I said goodbye and looked at the clock and saw it was 10 30am

We had been speaking for two whole hours!

It didn't feel like that at all though

I thoroughly enjoyed chatting to Angela 

We had a lot in common

And so much to talk about 

Angela recorded the conversation 

And will type it out 

And post it on her blog

So I will let you know when it is  published 

In other news 

There was great excitement here yesterday 

As we got the news that my brother has signed a two book deal with the publishing house Picador!

The same people who publish Cormac Mc Carthy, Toni Morrison, Colm Toibin 

We are beyond happy for him

He has worked so hard 

And he deserves every bit of success he achieves 

These are exciting times for him

He already has one book ready to go called Ithaca

And now has to write another one 

It's really inspiring to see how far my brother has come 

He worked for years as an accountant 

And gave a reliable and comfortable  life up to follow his dream of being a writer

It just goes to show 

Hard work 

And bring a nice person

Does pay off 

There has been a lot of talk about writing books here on blogger recently 

I know Piggy is writing one

And also Miranda

I guess it makes sense that a lot of us bloggers want to write books 

We write every day on our blogs

It's how we make sense of the world

I know I would love to turn this blog in to a book 

My family are always encouraging me  to try and get published 

I have done nothing about this thus far

If I were to write a book

It would be my story 

My life 

My struggles 

And my recovery 

I don't know how to write anything else

And I have never written fiction before 

So I don't know if I could write fiction or not 

Starting to write my blog was never about the writing as such 

For me 

It was more about the content

The message 

Of hope and faith and courage 

It has been about connecting with others 

Breaking down the stigma of mental illness 

Knowing that I wasn't alone 

And that others felt the same as me

There is a universal feeling of shame  that goes along with mental illness

And addiction 

With my writing 

I wanted to break down this barriers 

I wanted to encourage others to speak and to write about their struggles 

As well as their recovery 

One of the first things that Angela said to me this morning 

Was that she is not shockable 

I was so glad to hear this 

As people who have not experience anorexia or bulimia would never understand throwing up in to a plastic bag and hiding it in a wardrobe 

Or throwing food in to a bin

Only to retrieve hours later 

But yes

I would love to turn my blog in to a book

There have been many well written memoirs of eating disorders 

Marya Hornbacher blazed the trail of such books 

My story is like millions of others 

But it is unique to me 

In that my experiences and the way I reacted is mine 

I really do feel like my story could others 

If there is one subject I know intimately 

It is eating disorders 

I can talk about 

Write about it 

As Angela said this morning 

We are professionals in our field 

One of the reasons I have not yet ventured in to writing a book

Is that I am not very technically minded 

I would almost rather hand write it than type it

That's how bad I am 

But for now 

I will keep writing my blog 

Keep reaching out to others 

Keep sharing my experience, strength and hope as they say in the meetings 

Amazing things have happened as a result of my blog 

Like speaking to Angela this morning 

We are two women

At opposite ends of the earth 

With totally different lives 

Yet we were able to sit down and chat for two hours about our lives 

Our struggles 

Our triumphs 

Our highs 

Our lows 

Our experience of mental illness 

I would never have done this only for my blog

I hope this interview will help others 

As just speaking to Angela this morning was food for my soul

Today is a good day 

I feel hopeful 

Positive 

Excited about the future 

Angela asked me where I would like to be at age 38 

My answer was simple

I hope to still be in recovery 

To be independent 

Happy and healthy 

Now I reAlly believe that I might have a shot at these things 

I mean why not?

Why not me?

I am working hard to rebuild my life 

Aide that was shattered by addiction and disordered eating 

As well as depression and anxiety 

Today I try to be the best person I can be

I try to do the right thing 

And make the right choices

It's not easy

But then nothing worth having ever is

I feel lucky and blessed 

To have come through what I've been through 

And still be standing 

Still fighting 

And still retaining a sense of humour 

It felt so good to speak to Angela today 

Two strong women sharing their stories 

Harrowing stories 

Of pain and suffering and anguish 

But also of success and courage and fIth

As women 

We owe it to each other 

To be each other's cheerleaders 

All too often 

We are jealous of each other 

And mean to each other 

It's down to us treat each other with dignity and respect 

We need to hold each other up 

And not pull each other down 

We are fucking awesome as Angela would say 

Today 

I am going to make it a good day

It started off so well talking on Skype

And it has inspired me to do my best today 

To feed and nourish myself 

To take my meds correctly 

To spend time doing the things I love to do

To celebrate my brothers good news

And to be the best Ruby I can possibly be

Because I am worth it 

And you are too 

Have a lovely Saturday everyone 

Remember to be kind to yourself today 

Gentle with yourself 

Because you are precious 

You are unique 

Special

One of a kind 

You deserve to be happy 

And healthy 

We all do 

Take care today 

And see you in the next post....