Heading Home

It's Monday morning

Usually I would be at the doctors around this time

But today is different

Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin

It's easier to go to Dublin first 

Then over to the west and my home town

The first train takes two hours forty minutes

Then we get a tram to Connolly train station

Where we board another train that takes three hours

After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house

So all in all

It's a bit of a marathon of a journey

But then

I don't tend to be conscious for most of it

It's an enjoyable trip though

As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 

Hopefully 

All going well

We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 

From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 

I have been thinking about food

I guess because I am in someone else's house

I feel a bit out of control 

The foods I like to eat are not there

So I have to go to the shops and stock up

At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles

I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 

I literally drink the vinegar from the jar

And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time

So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 

And the thing is 

Nothing else will do

It has to be pickles

Not gherkins 

Not spring onions 

Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived

My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us

Perfect for a chilly winter evening 

I demolished a big bowl full

But I knew before I even started to eat

That it wouldn't stay down

I washed it all down with fizzy 7up

And excused myself to the bathroom

The house was small

Two bedrooms

And one bathroom

As I was sharing the facilities 

I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy

This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......

I was literally eating every few minutes

And purging just as much 

Over the weekend 

We ate out a couple of times

This is a nightmare 

Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 

But 

Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it

It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 

My purging had increased of late

It's becoming a problem again

And my body feels every bit of it 

I feel weary 

Stiff 

And sore 

I hate purging 

But I feel utterly compelled to do it

And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 

I literally couldn't stop eating 

And in turn purging 

I couldn't sit still on the couch

Every few minutes I would be up eating something else

It's complete obsessive behaviour

My mum has already said it to me

And I want to stop

But I feel so out of control its scary

Now I am going home 

I need to get back on track again

I think I am going to ring Mary 

And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 

I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either

Which drove me slightly batty

In my head I have gained ten pounds 

There's another problem right there 

The scales 

I really need to end that relationship once and for all

I want to be set free 

But in all reality

I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 

This is all so horribly familiar

I've been here before 

Falling off the wagon

My ED is a slippery little sucker 

And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 

But still 

I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 

Because I am not yet underweight 

When I know better 

I know that is complete horse shit

It doesn't matter how much you weigh

It's the behaviours

The actions 

More so than the number on the scale 

God can I spiel this stuff out

But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 

I'm looking forward to getting home

To see Honey and Lea

Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 

Thunder drives them nuts!

It's lovely to go away

But it's even lovlier to come home

I can't wait to close the door

Put a fire on 

Change in to my pyjamas 

Make a cup of tea 

And cosy up on the couch

See you on the next post.....

The Girl

There are two things that I notice more than anything else when ever I visit a city

The addicts

And the homeless 

I don't always see the shops

The lights 

The sights and the sounds 

I see the people asleep in doorways on cardboard boxes

I see the pinned and haunted eyes of heroin addicts

The empty bottles of the street drinkers 

The scatty manicness of the meth users 

The slurred speech of those on methadone

This city is no different

The first homeless guy I saw today was sitting on the cold hard ground

Dressed in a thin jumper and pants

He was visibly shivering with the cold 

His eyes on the ground in front of him

We walked by 

Stopped and looked back

We were all thinking the same thing 

The poor guy

We pooled our change and gave him five euro 

Tipping it in to his paper cup

He looked up when he heard the rattle of the change 

And stuck his hand out

As if to touch the saviour who would allow him to buy a cup of tea and a sandwich 

I usually talk to the homeless when I'm giving them something 

But with this guy

I don't know 

He looked so destitute 

I didn't think anything I could say could make him feel better

Walking away

I turned back to look at him 

He hadn't even checked his cup

His eyes still downwards

I felt guilty in that moment 

Guilty that I had so much 

And he had so little 

Life is unfair 

It's all a game of chance 

We went for lunch then 

And decided to pick the homeless man up some soup 

We walked back to where he was sitting 

There were people talking to him

Giving him bags of what I presume were food

He looked like he was rubbing tears from his eyes 

A lady kneeled at his side giving comforting words 

We decided to give the soup to another homeless person 

And it wasn't long before we met another one 

He gratefully accepted it

And we went on our way

Last night 

We went to see a musical 

After it had finished 

And we had all piled out of the theatre 

I had run across the road to the shop to get a carton of milk

I noticed a girl with two dogs out side the shop 

It was the dogs that attracted me 

And I bent down to pet them and talk too them 

And could tell by the girls demeanour that she was out of her mind 

She was skinny

Wobbly on her feet 

And louder then she needed to be

I asked her about the dogs 

She said they were rescue dogs 

That she was minding them for someone

They had no collars 

No leads 

And seemed really clingy and afraid 

I looked in to the girls eyes

Her pupils were pinned 

Her lids fighting against the weight of the heroin in her blood

I asked her if I could ask her a question

Was she on the gear

She said she was 

That she had recently relapsed after a nasty break up

She had been clean for a year 

All the while she was talking to me 

There was another guy that was in and out of the shop

Talking at great speed to the girl 

She continued to speak to me 

Then all of a sudden I just knew I had to get out of there 

This is how I've slipped before 

Putting myself in stupid situations 

I wished her good luck

And went to walk in to the shop 

Next thing I knew 

She threw her arms around me 

And gave me a huge hug

I was taken aback

But I hugged her back

And in that moment 

I wanted to take the girl and her dog home with me

Nurse her through her withdrawal 

Love her dog in to a happy and healthy little guy

I went in to the shop

The guy was ahead of me 

Buying everything and anything 

At one point he turned around and apologised to me

I said it was no problem 

Just then 

My sister appeared 

It turned out that my sister and mother had been standing across the street and witnessed the whole exchange

My sister asked me if I was ok

I said I was 

But I wasn't really

Again 

I felt a sense of guilt 

That I had got out

And that girl hadn't 

I wondered what kind of place they were living 

Was it safe?

Was it full of addicts?

Was it warm?

I also wondered about the dog

Would they look after him?

Feed him?

Would he have a bed to sleep in that night?

Would someone let him out off he needed to wee?

Or would he be forced to pee where he lay down?

These questions bothered me

And still bother me

I feel a sense of survivor guilt 

I was extremely lucky 

To make it out alive

And relatively unscathed 

There are so many who didn't 

It's more the girls that upset me

Probably because I can relate to them more

And the fact that I know drugs take a far harder toll on women 

Where I live now 

I don't have to look at it 

It's not in my face 

But here 

And in Dublin and other cities 

I see it every 

I've always struggled to describe the look that heroin addicts aquire after a certain amount of time using 

It's like their faces all become the same

That same hollow cheeked, haunted eyes look 

Like the lights are on but no one is home

I read a post once by Shane Leverne 

Who writes Memoires of a heroin head

He described one of his characters once as having a 'smack sculpted face'

These are exactly the words I had been looking for 

I couldn't have described it so perfectly 

It's Sunday morning now

And that girl is still on my mind

I'm not worried though 

I know that soon she will drift to the back 

of my mind soon enough

And I don't kid myself 

I know if I had not been with my family

I probably would have gone and used with her 

And become her new best friend 

That's the way it seems to work in the drug world

It's like a secret little community 

Where everyone is connected by the drug

Everyone has it in common

And that is enough to base whole relationships on

Whether they last an hour or a year 

Something I also noticed yesterday while taking to the girl

Was that we seemed to get in to a one upman ship about drugs 

It goes something like that like this 

You're using 3 years?

Oh I'm using 5 years?

You started using in Dublin?

Well I started in London

You nearly died once?

I actually did die 

Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Yes 

It's a lot like the game we play with out EDs 

The Hunger Games 

That's just the way it is

And I definitely don't miss that 

Anyway 

Today is the last day of our little jolly

We head back tomorrow morning 

Everyone else is still in bed

Tired after yesterday's exertions

It's nice to have some time to myself 

To make sense of last night 

Why do these things always happen to me.....

To Cork......

So

Here we are in Cork

My Mum, my sister and I 

Are all staying with my sisters partner

The journey here was a marathon

We left before 9am

And arrived at 5pm

Although

I'll tell you a little secret 

I slept most of the way in the back seat

So I wasn't as tired as the rest when we arrived

Cork is Ireland's biggest county

Lying in the south west of the country

I've only been here once before

And loved it

So was excited to come back

My sisters partner had a beautiful, homely stew with mash upon our arrival 

Just what the doctor ordered

We took it easy last night

And watched The Toy Show

Which I wrote about yesterday

If you can

I would look it up 

As it's just the perfect thing to get you in the mood for Christmas

We made our way to bed at midnight

And was out before I could even read one page of my book

I awoke first this morning 

Late for me at 9 30am

I came downstairs 

Made a huge cup of tea and toast

And waited for the others to surface

One by one 

They came downstairs 

And sausages and bacon were put on the pan 

We ate

Had a quick shower 

And piled out in to my sisters car and headed for town

Cork city is lovely

It doesn't have the manicness of Dublin

But it's bigger than the city near us at home

We wandered around the shops

I was on a strict budget 

So just bought I pair of jeggings in 

Yes you've guessed it 

Fat Face 

Stick that in your pipe anonymous 

My Mum was looking for a warm jacket 

So we all spent about 45mins in the changing rooms of one particular shop

This changing room was smaller than a toilet cubicle 

You couldn't swing a cat in it 

She didn't find anything though

Well she did 

But the prices were extortionate

So she's going to wait for the January sales

We went for lunch in the Cork opera house 

A quirky little place with coloured chairs that looked like a kindergarten 

I had the kids sausage and chips

Yes I only wanted a small portion so ordered from the kids menu

It was yummy though

A meal in miniature

We walked around for another while

And finished up in water stones book shop

Where my sister and I decided to walk home

And the others took the car

We are home now 

Going to have some grub

Before heading out to see a musical

It's called ahem..

Menopause the Musical

It's meant to be really funny 

It was either that or the ballet

So we went with the funny one

Below are some photos from today

Enjoy...

The Toy Show

As you know 

I live in Ireland 

We are a country who appreciates tradition

Especially around Christmas time

There is a long running chat show 

That is on every Friday night

Called The Late Late Show

It's really an institution in this country 

And every year 

Around the end of November 

The Late Late Show 

Transforms in to The Late Late Toy Show

Which is on tonight

I really cant explain The Toy Show and do it justice

It has to be seen to be believed

The whole studio is transformed in to a winter wonderland 

All the audience dress up

But the children are the star of the show

Some sing

Some dance 

Some try out the toys 

The opening number is always spectacular 

The host Ryan, sings and dances with the children 

And the standard of talent is enormous 

There are also celebrities 

Games 

And the audience always get loads of free toys and goodies 

I make a point of watching The Toy Show every year

Growing up it was the highlight of my life

I can remember watching it on the Friday night

And again on Sunday afternoon when it was repeated

I remember my father coming home from the pub 

Steaming drunk 

And watching the end of it with us

As I've grown up 

The Toy Show has remained an integral part of my Christmas

It's all about the children

And they really are the stars of the show

I can clearly remember two years ago

I was in treatment just before Christmas 

And The Toy Show was on one Friday night

I was pretty devastated that I had to be there for it

And I almost didn't get to see it 

As I was on bed rest

And had to ask for permission 

They let me 

You'd want to have a heart of stone to turn down that request 

So we all settled in the TV room

The ED girls with our large cups of tea

Curled up on the bucket seats 

With our legs folded under us 

And the other patients 

With their chocolate and biscuits

And electronic cigarettes 

When the ads came on

We all hauled to the smoking room next door for a cheeky smoke 

Even though we were in hospital

The atmosphere was jolly and merry 

I still think of those people 

And wonder how they are doing 

So 

Here I  am

In my pyjamas 

With a cup of tea in hand 

Waiting for the show to start

Yes I think it's happening

Christmas is most definitely here....

Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post.... 

The Interview

I mentioned a little while ago 

That I recently did a Skype interview with Angela Barnett

The author of the blog Fucking Awesome Bulimics I Know (FABIK)

We spoke for two hours early one Saturday morning 

And it was a pleasure from start to finish

I answered Angela's questions

We laughed a lot 

Shared our experience, strength and hope

Despaired at the lengths we went to got our disorders 

Angela contacted me yesterday to let me know that the interview is up on her blog

So here it is

Hope you enjoy....

http://fuckingawesomebulimicsiknow.com/2015/11/22/ruby-tuesday/

The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexia

Is that the disorder always wants more

More weight loss 

To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'

I've played this game 

Many times 

And no good can come if it 

Being an addict 

And having attended support groups

I have met many other girls like me

Who are cross addicted

And developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictions

Two girls in particular I became good friends with

We're we helping each other?

I'm not so sure 

I know I measured my weight against theirs 

One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weight

And  I committed it to memory 

And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight

They say that in regards to recovering

1/3 will recover

1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery 

And 1/3 will never recover 

Those statistics ring true for me and my friends 

One of us has recovered

One is still knee deep in the disorder

And one is somewhere in between the two 

People with EDs 

Often have the sense that they are not sick enough 

And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'

Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you 

If you are admitted to inpatient

The Hunger Games become amplified 

For me

Inpatient did not work 

I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible 

I compared myself to other girls 

What we weighed 

What we ate

How much exercise we did 

It was all a sick and twisted game 

I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situation

And have never completed treatment successfully

I've always done much better from home  

With support of course 

There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia 

We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies 

We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieve

Given the title of anorectic

Check

Underweight

Check

Seeing a counsellor

Check 

Inpatient

Check 

Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about it

Because we never believe we are sick enough

Being told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment 

I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an ED

Rather than the fact that I do have one

Although 

Having said all that 

One place that I don't feel a sense of competition

Is here on blogger

Why is that?

Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illness

The fear

The loneliness 

The isolation

The depression and anxiety

The family issues

The never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse

It's clear from reading about people's lives here

That an ED is not what it would have you believe 

Ive used this metaphor before 

But I will use it again

An ED is like an abuser

It grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success 

It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weight

You'll be lighter 

Prettier 

The smallest of all your friends 

And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popular

More liked and loved 

Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at all

You will wear anything you like

And look effortlessly beautiful

Oh yes

In return for your body

Your mind 

Your sanity

And your soul 

Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed of

Hard to resist right? 

Once anorexia lures you in

And you are now captive 

Anorexia shows its true colours

And how evil it truly is

And once she is in your life 

Life will never be the same again

Thus far 

I've focused on anorexia

But of course there are other eating disorders

Unfortunately 

They are not given the same status that anorexia is

Bulimia for example

Is widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousin

Having dealt with both 

I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimia

If anorexia is cold, controlled and aloof

Then bulimia is loud and brash and in your face 

No one wants to admit that they throw up their food

It's messy

It's disgusting

It's not something that you talk about in polite company 

I think people feel sorry for people with anorexia

And disgusted by people with bulimia

It's not a fair appraisal at all 

Then there is binge eating disorder

And food addiction 

Which must be even more difficult to talk about 

Anorexia gets the most attention

That is for sure 

Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking 

Papers and magazines love a sensationalist story

With a shocking and disturbing picture to go with it

The same with obesity

But if you ask me

Anorexia and obesity are on the same spectrum

At opposite ends albeit

But it's the same problem

A problem with feelings

With reality 

With ourselves

And of course with food 

I have no doubt that I could easily become obese 

My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility 

As I have said before

I either eat none of the food

Or all of the food

There is no in between 

There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnest

In the end 

Lives are torn apart as a result 

And really

There are no winners 

Only losers 

I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet under

Death is the ultimate prize 

There is no doubt

That eating disorders are complicated illnesses 

Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doing

But we feel compelled to do it

God knows I am going through it right now

And it's a battle to get back on track

It's so important in recovery 

To build a solid foundation on which to grow from

I think maybe that was my mistake 

I didn't have a platform from which to flourish

My recovery happened very quickly

And almost in spite of myself 

I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weight

But then recovery really did happen

I did gain weight

My mood improved 

My anxiety and depression lifted 

But was it sustainable?

I'm not so sure

I think I need to start again

To take my time 

And build up my recovery layer by layer 

So that I have reserves

For when things turn sour 

Like now 

I am struggling to hold on to my recovery 

My ED is screaming in my ears these days 

I spoke to my family about it yesterday

For the first time 

They are worried 

As am I 

I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there 

I've lost too much weight in a very short space of time

My body is really suffering 

As is my mental health 

I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment 

I've also reached out to friends 

So I'm hoping to get back on track

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?

Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? 

What is your experience of this?

Answers on a post card please.....