Friday 13 January 2017

When one door closes....

....another window opens
And it's so true!
I went in to school on Tuesday to officially sign off of my course
I wasn't looking forward to going in
And seeing everyone 
But as luck would have it
I only ran in to a couple of the girls 
And they were lovely 
I had to go to one of my tutors 
He asked how things were going 
I told him I was struggling 
And needed to take some time off
He said the door is always open 
And that I had been doing really well with my course work
Pity he didn't tell me that at the time 
I could have done with some positive feedback 
Anyway 
I am now off the course 
And I have to tell you 
It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders
And I'm not the only one 
Three other girls have left too
But I'll get back to that 
I went home feeling relieved 
If a little sad about what to do next 
I got home 
Later on 
My sister came in from work
And said she needed to speak to me 
Apparently 
There is a guy she works with 
Who has a pony 
And needs help looking after him
My interest was instantly peaked 
The horse is a piebald cob
He used to belong to travellers 
Who used him to pull vehicles 
And generally didn't treat him well 
His present owner has him about a year 
And up until recently he had a horsey companion who unfortunately died 
So the owner thinks the pony is lonely 
I immediately emailed the owner 
Who sent me information and pictures 
The pony has been renamed Coco
And needs help to be caught 
And fed
So I am going to visit Coco and his owner tomorrow 
And I don't need to tell you 
I am super excited!
I am going to show that pony so much love he won't know what hit him
But first things first 
We need to be introduced 
We need to build a relationship and trust 
And I have  I doubt it will take time 
Patience is not a virtue I possess 
Being a greedy addict 
I want everything now!
I just know this pony is going to teach me so much 
I haven't even met him and I love him already!
Now I know I made the right decision about my course 
This is what I want to be doing 
Helping animals that have had a bad start in life 
And show them love and care and trust 
I just know me and Coco are going to be besties...

In other news
I went back to horse therapy this week
Back with my friends 
And my buddy Star
It was amazing 
I loved every second
I would post pictures but this app won't let me for some reason
By the way
If anyone wants to be friends on Facebook
Email me and I'll give you my name
I also met one of the girls from my course for tea yesterday 
She also has left the course 
We had a great chat 
And compared notes about our experience 
We are a similar age 
And we both found the classroom difficult 
The gossip
Discussing everyone's business 
We came to the conclusion that our horsemanship tutor was great 
But our horse riding instructor was really tough going 
The atmosphere in that stables was tense 
We were shouted at 
Ridiculed 
I was a nervous wreck going to the stables each week
To the point that I was dreading going in 
I also had to question where I was going after the course 
And what kind of job I wanted to get 
I now know that my heart lies in the rescue of animals 
I'm not really interested in competing or anything like it 
I want to help horses and donkeys 
That is my calling I think
And of course horse riding is a great hobby
For both physical and mental exercise 
All I know is that animals make me so happy 
My own dogs are two life savers 
I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me 
Which is why I was so upset over Leas recent diagnosis 
She is doing well though 
She gets her meds every morning 
She's eating and drinking well
Her form is good 
She is on rest thoughts 
So no walkers for her
Which I think she is finding tough
The vet recommended swimming though 
So when the weather improves I will bring her to the natural pool down at the beach
She is going back to the vet next week
So hopefully she continues up stay well

As for me?
I am doing pretty good 
I feel stable 
My body feels strong and able
Purging is a rarity 
And I'm not restricting or weighing 
I look ok
I don't love it 
But I don't hate it either 
I was speaking with my Dad this morning 
We were in the supermarket 
And he asked me if I needed Anything 
I said no
I didn't need anything 
He reminded me of the days I used up but bags of shopping every day
Spending a fortune on food that would eventually be flushed down the drain
It. Was. Bat shit crazy! 
I was a woman possessed 
I spent my days eating and purging 
Weighing myself multiple times a day 
My mood as well as my weight was like a yo-yo
Very unstable 
Very out of control
It was pretty scary 
To feel like I just couldn't stop
I used to wake up in the night 
And eat a packet of biscuits no bother to me
Now the thought of purging makes me come out in a cold sweat 
Now I eat little abs often 
I don't binge 
I don't restrict 
At this point 
I must stress
That things are by no means perfect 
They never will be 
And that's ok 
I am doing my level best 
And I am as close to happy as I have ever been 
But I must admit 
Like a typical addict 
I tend to look for replacements for the issue that I have under control
And for the last couple of years 
That addiction has bounced to my spending money 
Namely on clothes
Last year 
When I was working 
I was earning a nice little wage 
I saved nothing
Nada 
Not a red cent 
I spent all my money on Fatface and Superdry and Roxy 
My room is bursting at the seams with hoodies and jeans and shoes and boots 
It's ridiculous 
More madness
I see something in line 
And I think to myself 
'If I had that jacket, my life would be complete!'
I buy it 
I get the parcel in the post 
I feel excited opening it
Trying it on 
And the novelty soon wears off
Then
I'm straight back on the web looking at more clothes 
Make of that what you will
I gave an addictive personality 
When I become interested in something 
I am so enthusiastic 
So eager to learn and do and help
Now that I have realised the madness of my internet shopping 
That issue had to be replaced 
And it has been replaced 
By horses 
Which is pretty healthy compared to some of my own past addictions and obsessions
At least I can't harm myself or anyone around me 
This is just me. 
When I like something 
I love it and just want to be around it all the time 
And will do anything to do so
This is why I made a good addict 
Single minded and stubborn to the bitter end 
But 
Even though I go from zero to sixty in jig time 
It can be a good thing 
I get things done quickly and efficiently 
But it also means I tend not to pace myself 
And jump in feet first without thinking things through 
I guess it's both a blessing and a curse 

So
I think that is all the news from my world 
Lots of positive things happening 
I feel good about the future 
I feel positive that everything will be ok
I will be ok
 I

Will

Be

Ok....

Wednesday 4 January 2017

2017

A new year friends
Where is the time going?
This year I am five years blogging 
It's been an amazing few years
So many highs and lows
Ups and downs 
Relapses and slips 
Trying to recover 
Trying to fight for a better life 
I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 
I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 
My appetite is non existent at the moment 
I don't know why 
But I can't even look at food 
Never mind eat the stuff
I guess they could be stress related too
Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 
Which makes no sense at all
But that's an anxious, recovering body for you
Over the break 
I was supposed to make a decision about my course 
To continue or not to continue 
This is the major cause of my stress 
Not being able to make a decision
Fearing I'll make the wrong decision
And changing my mind ten times a day
I decided to look at my other options 
And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 
Which I've never been to before 
It was a private lesson yesterday 
It was an outdoor arena
And damn was it cold!
But I learned so much 
And was given some great advice that really helped my technique
So I booked a lesson for next week
And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 
As well as staying after for a while too
This is all great 
The downside is the cost 
It was €40 for an hour long private lesson
That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 
But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 
At least this is something worthwhile 
I guess I will see how I manage 
If I can't afford it 
I can't afford it

Then today 
I met my friend Fintan 
And went back to horse therapy 
Where I started my horse riding journey 
I didn't get to ride 
But it was so nice to see everyone 
I missed them
I had a chat with the lady 
And she said I can always go back there 
As well as doing the six week course they are running 
So that's another option 
I just need to make a decision
I contacted our course tutor today 
And made an appointment to see her on Friday 
I just feel so torn 
The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 
But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad
I think I know what I need to do though 
There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 
Still though 
It's another thing I've started and not finished 
I wonder if people will feel disappointed 
Let down 
But despite that 
I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 
My recovery 
Before Christmas 
My meds were all over the place 
I was misusing them 
Using them to knock myself out 
I came clean to my doctor 
He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 
And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 
Yes 
It's a pain in the buttocks 
But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 
So yea 
There is a lot going on
But that's life isn't it?
There's always something 
Bumps in the road 
It's just a matter that of keeping going 
Despite what life throws at you 
And look
Whatever happens 
I'll be around horses 
In one way or another 
I still visit my little white pony friend down the road
She is a total pet 
I've started bringing the dogs to see her too
And she is very curious to see the
Now when she sees me coming 
She greets me with a nicker 
And comes running over 
After three months of visiting her 
She has started to let me pet her 
Which is huge progress I think 
I had been given advice 
That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 
So I decided to leave a note for the owner 
I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 
And sellotaped it to the gate 
I went back the next day to check if it was gone 
And I found the pony eating it 
Go figure...

Anyway 
That's all that's happening in my little world 
Hopefully now I have more time 
I will get to blog and read more then I currently am
I wish you all a very happy new year 
And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017
By the way 
Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?
Yea 
Me too
Until the next post....


Thursday 29 December 2016

29 Part 2

Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....

29 Part 1

It's that funny time of the holidays
The days in between Christmas and New Years
When you don't know what day it is
What time it is
When time ceases  to have any meaning
I'm off school until next Tuesday
So I still have a few more days off
My best friend  called out yesterday
Fintan
I met him through horse therapy
Back in March of this year
We clicked
And have become firm friends since
So he called out to me yesterday
We had lunch with my parents
Then for a walk on the beach
We talked
We laughed
Me took selfies
And laughed at the results
He knows that I am trying to make a decision about whether to continue my course or not
And he hasn't said it outright
But from what I can gather
He doesn't think I should be paying the price of my health for my course
And it is suffering
I'm a ball of anxiety
Which in turn is giving me severe attacks of diarrhoea
Which is draining me physically And mentally
So I decided to see what other options were open to me
And rang a stables near to my house
And asked about doing lessons
As well as learning about the care of horses
And stable and yard management
Which is all possible
She said if she finds me useful she will keep me around
I also have the option of going back to horse therapy
And they are actually starting a course about horse husbandry too
So there are a few options
I can't lie
The thought of going back to school fills me with dread
The only thing keeping me there is the horses
If there was no horse riding on this course
There is not a hope in hell I would be doing it
That says it all I think
Anyway
I have it talked to death
So I am going to stop writing about it too

In other news
I was in my local supermarket this morning
I was stocking up on dog supplies
And was at the self service check out
When I hear someone say 'Hello stranger'
I looked up
And saw a girl that I haven't seen in years
I know her through recovery
As she had very similar issues to me
With food, alcohol and drugs
I gave  her a huge hug
And we stood and chatted for a while
The last time I saw her
She had relapsed back in to her ED
And was not in a good place
But today
I was delighted to hear that she is now back on track
When we were friendly
We used to go to meetings together
Including food meetings
This girl was on a food plan
Where she weighed and measured all her  food
And completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour
I always thought it was extreme
And didn't even attempt to try it
So this girl moved 5 hours away
To go to treatment
And is now. Training to be a personal trainer
I was delighted to see her
And to see her doing so well
We talked about the madness of our EDs
And it really was pure insanity
It got me thinking about my own eating disorder
And the black hole I was in I can remember two years ago
When I was on the endless fucked up ride that is bulimia
I swear
I don't know how I did it
Back then
This is how my day went
Wake up with a food hangover
Use the loo
Strip
Weigh myself
And measured my self hatred by the number that flashed in front of me
Then
Cup of tea and a smoke
And I would see what kind of food I was craving that day
Check the cupboards
And make a mental list of what foods I needed to buy
Then I would jump in my car with the dogs
And head to the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
I often became weak and dizzy
And had to sit down to gather my strength
Walk over
I headed to the supwrmar
And make a mental list of what food I needed to buy
Then I'd jump in my car with my dogs
And head for the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
As I regularly felt dizzy and weak
And often had to sit to gather my strength
After that I would head to the supermarket
Hunger is the best sauce
I would grab a basket
And begin throwing food in to it
Bread
Ham
Relish

Tuesday 27 December 2016

27

And so Christmas came and went
Just like any other day
It was fine
Quiet
I got a lovely pair of boots
Socks
And my neighbour got me a selfie stick which I thought was comical
As she is 77
I don't stress about the food part anymore
I don't eat any more than normal
And there is only so much chocolate and rich food I can take
I ate my Christmas dinner
But did not keep it down
Yes
My old nemesis bulimia still rears her ugly head from time to time
But
As I always say
It's about progress not perfection
And I am doing a hell of a a lot better than I was doing last Christmas
Forty pounds lighter and in that horrible binge purge cycle
So I guess I have had my one year recovery anniversary
Which is pretty cool!
I'm also using the break to take stock
And figure out whether to continue my course or not
It's not an easy decision as you can imagine
There many pros and cons to both sides
I mean is it really worth putting myself through so much hurt and anxiety?
Battling crippling low esteem and confidence
But having said that
I love the course
And I'm always on a high when I do a successful day at school
I guess it's. it the end of the world if I do give it up
I can go back to horse therapy
I can do private lessons
I can help out the horsey people in my area
Whatever happens
I know one thing for sure
I will be involved with horses one way or another
I've fallen for them hard
And just try taking that away from me
So I guess I need to make a decision
I'm supposed to be back to school next Tuesday
So I have a lot of thinking to do
Although it's not going to be easy
There's a lot about the course that is great
I have structure to my day
I spend time with my school friends
And of course I get to do three lessons a week
As well as be around horses for two days a week
It's a lot to give up
My tutor emailed me last Friday
A list of things I had achieved since starting the course
It was quite impressive
And it was so lovely of her to do that
She has been a great support
She also mentioned that I could take extended leave in the new year if I need to
It's great that I have so much support
It makes things so much more bearable
Anyway
I will keep you updated

In other news
I was on the phone the other day
In my Mams room
And there was a weighing scales on the floor
I stood on it with one foot
And it gave me an incredibly high number
I panicked
And decided to weigh myself properly
So I waited until this morning
Stripped to my birthday suit
And stepped on
The number was much lower than last night
Thank you Lord
So my BMI is about 20 - 21
Which is just fine with me
Crisis averted

How was your Christmas?


Friday 23 December 2016

Christmas

I love the build up to Christmas
I love the music
The lights
The atmosphere
The way people are jolly and friendly
And everyone gives generously to good causes
There is a storm here today
We were supposed to be going in to town for lunch
But the weather is so bad we had to cancel
I don't mind though
Going out to eat is not really my idea of fun
I associate restaurants with stress and anxiety
And purging can be a problem too
So I tend to avoid such occasions
And anyway
It's nice to stay indoors when the weather is wild

I don't know if I wrote about it already
But I spoke to my doctor last week
About the fact that I was misusing my meds
In order to deal with anxiety
His response was to increase my methadone by 10mls
And my olanzapine to 15mg
He also put me on daily dispensing
So I had to go in to the chemist every day
And be supervised taking it
It actually really helped
Because I had the correct amount every day
My doctor also reduced my methadone every couple of days m
To try and get me back down to my original dose
So this weewôk has been tough
I took the week off  school
My tutor texted me
To let me know that I can take extended leave if I need to in January if I am still
Struggling
She also said something lovely to me
That I well liked
And I am a positive influence in the group
It made my day to hear that
It's the little things
I just need to make a decision
Either I am doing this course and I throw myself into it
Or I cut my losses
And go back to horse therapy
I was speaking with my best friend last night
And I was telling him how nice it was to have the Christmas break
That I felt a weight had been lifted
He said that it shouldn't be this hard
And that the course may be doing me more harm than good
I don't know but what I do know is I can't go on like this
Driving myself and everyone around me nuts
So I will make a decision before the break ends

Anyway
In the mean time
I will do my best to enjoy the holidays
And try to pass as a sane and normal human lol
Take care of

Wednesday 21 December 2016

So this is Christmas....

I wanted to take this opportunity
To wish you my blogger friends
A very happy and peaceful
And a fantastic new year
Christmas has really crept up on us this year
It's hard to believe that another year is coming to an end
It's been an interesting year to say the least
But a really good one
I also wanted to say thank you
To each and every one of you
For your friendship
Your kindness
Your understanding
Your kind words
Your love and positivity
It is much appreciated
And means more than you know
I know that a lot of you are struggling at the moment
And Christmas will not be an enjoyable time for many
Some are struggling with depression or anxiety
Some are dreading the holidays and the emphasis on food
At the end of the day
It's just another day
And we will get through it
We've got through them all so far
We will be ok

I was speaking to my tutor today
And she told me that I can take some extended time off if I need to
I'm hoping it won't come to that
And I'll get back on track before the next term starts
I'm not giving up
I refuse to give up
I am doing my level best
I am trying and fighting every single day
I'm going to try and sort my head out over the Christmas break
And not beat myself up in the mean time
I'm going to give myself a break
Highlight the positive
And discard the negative

So
Happy Christmas to you
And your family
Wherever you are
Whether you are struggling
Or are in recovery
If you are lonely
Sad depressed
Anxious
If you are in a good place
Or a bad place
If you choose not celebrate Christmas
This is for you
You
Matter
You are important
You are precious
You are the only you there is
You are irreplaceable
You are unique
You are loved...