3 Years

My blog is three years old today

It's hard to believe

Time goes past so quickly

I can remember three years ago like it was yesterday

I had been reading blogs for some time

And saw that there was a great little community here on blogger

I wanted to be part of it 

I was so entrenched in my illness

So lonely

Depressed

Anxious 

Afraid

I rarely left the house

But as much as I was afraid of living my life

I craved to be around others like me

I was welcomed in to this community with open arms

It was a safe place to come and be honest

Without fear of being judged

While I was in midst of my illness

I was accepted 

And there was no pressure to recover

I was knee deep in my disorder for the first two years of my blogging

Then last year things changed

I had just come out of treatment 

For the umpteenth time 

I felt utterly hopeless

So low

So scared for my future

I ended up overdosing

And I didn't tell anyone 

Until a week later

When I told Mary

She sprang in to action

And I had an appointment with my psychiatrist the next day

He assessd me

And changed my meds

Adding in Prozac

I didn't hold out much hope for the new meds

Ive been on so many different anti depressants over the years

And they rarely work

So I was hoping against hope

However

A couple of weeks after

I began to feel a little better

The fog dissipated 

My depression and anxiety lifted 

And I began to feel hope again

I managed to get my binging and purging under control

That was massive

As I had been purging 10-20 times a day

It was killing me

Slowly but surely 

I began to gain weight

And yes my weight did rise to a place where I wasn't entirely comfortable in my own skin

But now it seems to have settled

And I can live with it

Just about

As time went on

My quality of life improved

I gave up smoking

My relationship with food was better

I started going to meetings 

Which is a huge help

And I generally felt a lot better

About me

My life

My world

Blogging through all of this has been amazing

To have documented every up and down is so awesome

I can read back

And see how far I have come 

Also to share it with you

You all have been a big part of my story

I have met the most amazing kind, caring and thoughtful girls here on blogger

Some of you have been with me from the very beginning

Some are more recent

But you all mean so very much to me

You are true friends

And I am eternally grateful for that

So Happy Birthday dear blog!

Thank you for saving my sanity so many times 

Here's to another 3 years.....

Damage limitation

Thank you all

For your feedback and support after my last post

I guess it was only a matter of time before The Boy reared his head again

I was just coasting along

Happy as Larry

Thinking all was well

And then I got that phone call

It really threw me

Especially knowing that my ex boyfriend is now around too

When I'm out

My heart stops when I see a green jeep

And there are many green jeeps around here

So it makes for interesting times when I'm out and about

Several people contacted me yesterday to tell me to block The Boys number

I keep going to do this 

But something stops me

I guess there is part of me that wants to know that he wants to see me

If that makes sense

It's twisted thinking I know

But then that's me all over

As I said yesterday

I haven't told my sister or my mother

As I don't want to worry them

But in actual fact

My sister read my blog

So she knows

And is doing my head in about it

We had a fight last night

Because I don't want to talk about it

I don't really see the point

I know what I need to do

And I am trying to do it

I saw Breda yesterday

My addiction counsellor

I told her about the phone call

She was helpful

And made some good suggestions

It was good to talk it over with someone who is not directly involved

And can give an objective perspective

She is trying to help me build up my confidence

And self esteem

Back in January

When I relapsed 

I had no resistance against the drug

And when it was put in front of me

I didn't have the strength to say no

But this time 

I have some recovery behind me

I feel stronger

More stable

More secure

I have the capability 

And the strength to say no

And that's down to the work I've done over the last couple of months

It just goes to show

How much the meetings help

Breda asked me how I felt about knowing these two guys were so close by

And what they were doing

I had to admit

It does play on my mind a little bit

Sometimes I go to the dark side

And I start thinking that they're having a great ol' time

Drinking poppy tea

Smoking weed 

And generally getting messed up

And out of their heads

Then I start thinking that I am missing out

Then I start to resent my family

Because they're the reason I can't use

Then I get really angry 

And lash out at my family

I have to keep reminding myself 

Of where I will be if I contact these guys

And use

I have to remember of where that life will bring me

The damage it will cause

The devastation

The heartache

Then I remember that I want a better life for myself

That I want to be clean and sober

I really do

So no

I don't feel like I am missing out

They are the ones who are missing out 

They are missing out on their whole lives

At least I am trying to forge a new life for myself

A better life

And as hard as it is to choose to live in reality

I stand by my decision 

The Boy bites back

It was Saturday evening

I had just had s great day with my mum and sister

We climbed a mountain

Then went for dinner

And I was generally feeling really good

Happy to be alive

Grateful to be clean and sober 

Feeling content

And dare I say it, happy?

We had just come home

I sat with the dogs for a while

Plugged in my phone to charge

And settled down in front of the telly with a cup of tea

I was watching The Cube

When my phone rang

Thinking it was my friend who I had just texted

I jumped up to answer it

I looked at the screen

And to my shock and surprise

Saw it was The Boy

I stared at the phone 

Not knowing what the hell to do

My sister saw my face

And asked me what was wrong

I told her nothing

That it was a private number 

I didn't want to tell her who it really was 

And possibly worry her

Needless to say

I didn't answer it

I sat back down

Feeling shook and anxious

Then my phone pinged a message

I checked it

And it was a voice mail

I dialled 171

And listened to the message

It was him

Asking me to ring him

And also telling me that my ex boyfriend was staying with him for a while

And did I want to meet up

I hung up

And felt stunned

Seconds later my phone pinged again

A text message

Asking me to ring him 

If I wanted 'plenty of tea'

I put the phone down

And tried to process this information

I haven't heard from The Boy in quite a while

So this is really out of the blue

I actually had a physical reaction

My heart was racing

As were my thoughts

I felt shakey and unstable

And I would have killed for a smoke just for something to do

It really unsettles me to know that both The Boy and my ex boyfriend are in my area

Having poppy tea

And probably plenty more besides I'm guessing 

I really don't want to know what they are doing

What drugs are available

I would rather not know

And live in blissful ignorance

It's now Monday

Two days since he rang

I haven't texted or rang him back 

It hasn't even been an option 

I know I can't

I have too much to lose

Things are just getting back to normal after the last debacle

I think my mum would lose her mind if I used again

I don't want her to have to go through that again

We moved up here ten years ago to get away from the drug scene

Yes it was a geographical

And no that's not the answer

But it gave us a chance for a fresh start

And gave us breathing space

And time to heal

But now it seems like my old life is catching up with me

And I don't like it

I don't like it at all

So the plan is damage limitation

I haven't told my mum or my sister 

Maybe I should

But I don't want to worry them

I'm seeing Breda this morning so I will talk to her and hatch a plan

I just really don't need this right now

Things are just starting to turn around for me

Abd this is really a test

A test for my willpower

For my resolve

My will to recover

But I feel pretty sure that I won't use

At least I hope I won't 

Healthline 2015

I just found out yesterday 

That andthenshedisappeared has been voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of the year by Healthline

I was super excited to find this out

As it is the third year in a row that I have recieved this honour

My blog will be 3 years old at the end of this month

And it has been an amazing 3 years

Such a rollercoaster of highs and lows

Ups and downs

Victories and defeats

Tears and laughter

Sadness and joy

I am so glad that I documented the last few years

And I have it to look back on

And see how far I've come

I had been reading blogs for a while before I started my own

The very first blogs o read were

Recovering anorexic over on Wordpress

Who is no longer writing under that name

Lou over at my life with ed, and, Mia

Yummy secrets

And 2Medusa

I was so inspired by these strong ladies

That I decided to start writing myself

My blog started off as something bordering on unhealthy

I wrote about fasting 

And trying to lose weight

But over time 

I began to document my life fighting both addiction and disordered eating

And now it is a lot more recovery based

I started my blog because I craved to be around others like me

In my real life my world had shrunk to just me and my illness

I was desperately lonely

Depressed

Anxious

Writing was the perfect medium for me

As I could get the words out at my own pace

And I found writing much easier than speaking

I soon found a real love for it

And I think my writing is improving all the time

This little community we have here on blogger is unique

When I first started writing 

There was a thriving community here

And there was a real buzz about the place

Over the lay year however

So many bloggers have vanished

I wish I knew what has happened to them

These were the ladies who welcomed me in to this community with open arms

Left heartfelt comments on my blog

And we're there for me through the drama that is my life

I miss them

I hope they are ok

So yea

I am delighted that my blog has been recognised

I feel so passionately about helping others like me

To warn and educate younger kids about the dangers of EDs

To think that my blog helps others truly warns my heart

So thank you Healthline

You have made my day......

Queen Maeve's Trail

My mum and my sister and I are planning to do the Camino next year

So we have started to train a little bit

Last week we did the mountain at the back of our house

And yesterday we did Queen Maeve's Trail

Which is up another mountain

It was 2.5km up

And 2.5km down

We made it up and down in two hours a

I didn't find it too bad

But my mum and sister found it tough going

It's only really because I don't smoke anymore

And I walk and swim a lot

If I was still smoking 

There is no way I'd have made it to the top

We made it down just before the rain

And went to Shells cafe for lunch 

We were so hungry

I had a burger and chips

That's how hungry I was

But it was well deserved

And treated us to an ice cream after

Here are some photos from the day.......

Summer clothes post

I picked up some summer clothes over the past few weeks

And I finally feel able to wear them as the weather is heating up

The following clothes are from Fat Face, Roxy and protest

Here they are......

The skinny of it

LIf we look back at weight over the years

And what was considered attractive

Like fashion

It goes through trends

Back in the 60's

Curves and shapes were very much in

Marilyn Monroe who was and still is considered one of the worlds most attractive women

Was a beautiful size 14

Then in the 90's

The rise of the super model took over

And models like Kate Moss 

Made heroin chic sexy

All over the run ways and magazines

Thin was in

Women flaunted their bones like trophies

Sharp cheek bones

And chiseled features were the flavour of the month

And then of course the phenomenon that is size zero

Became an international obsession

The skinnier the better

And that is still popular

But I think positive body image is something that is so important

I saw a show during the week 

Called Plus Sized Wars

It was about the rise and increased popularity of plus size models

Especially on the Internet

Girls like the model and blogger Tess Munster

Who is a size 24

And has a massive following on line

It's people like Tess

Who are bucking the trend of super skinny

And empowering women of all sizes to be proud and confident in their skin

Tess really is a beautiful looking girl

And I can see why she is in such high demand

And even though she is three times the size of an average model

She is still smokin' hit

She also sending out a positive message to young people

That beauty is not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

It is so much more than that

This show was an eye opener for me

As I am one of the peoe who has been influenced by the media

And although the media did not cause my ED

It most definitely did not help

I used to look at photos of models

Long and lithe limbs

Flawless faces

An impossible standard to reach

But I still compared myself to them

And my confidence took a real battering

 

My own perception of what is attractive has also changed

I used to favour skinny 

The thinner the better

And there was no such thing as too skinny

I envied other girls 

But these other girls were usually a lot younger than me

It's a pain in the ass fact that as you get older 

Your body changes

You no longer have the lean frame you had when you were twenty

Your body developes curves and shapes

It's all part of being a woman

For some reason

It is really hard for me to call myself a woman

Because I swear I don't feel like a woman

And don't really look like one

Or dress like one

Or behave like one

In my mind I am still 22

But the fact is that I am a woman

A curved

Shapely woman

And I am beginning to accept that 

As I get older

I see that being attractive has very little to do with physical beauty

And more to do with confidence and personality

Beauty radiates from within

It comes out when we smile

When we laugh

I always find passion attractive

When someone talks about something they love

That can be really attractive

It's not about what a person wears

It's more about what they say

Their behaviour

Their openness

Their honesty

Their kindness

Their sense of humour

The way they treat others

What they believe

Their values

Their ability to laugh

And laugh at themselves

To see the positive in life

A hunger for life

For adventure i

There is so much more than a pretty face

My BMI has now settled at 19

Just about healthy

And surprisinglyHuuoi

I am ok with that

 I know that I am not overweight

Or underweight

I don't feel big or awkward the way I felt this time last year 

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I was wondering about you

What do you find attractive?

Do you think thin is still in?

I'd love to know......