What I achieved yesterday

Thank you all for the suggestion you made on topics to write about 

They were all great

And today's topic was suggested by the lovely Shelby

And it's about what I achieved today

Or actually what I achieved yesterday because it's only 10am here

So apart from crawling out of bed

I haven't done much

Anyway

Let's begin 

Yesterday was Thursday 4th June

First things first

The first thing I achieved was getting out of bed

I know this sounds like a minor thing

 But the way I feel sometimes in the morning

Getting up at all is an achievement 

Next

I brought Honey and Lea for a walk

Then brought my neighbours dog for a walk

Albeit a very short one

After a cup of tea

I went and had a sun bed session

It was then bearing 1pm

Time for my lunch time meeting

I had an argument in my head about whether to go or not

I stared in to the mirror 

Literally looking at myself

And having a fight with my own reflection

I know I should go

But what I really want to do is drive straight home and take a fistful of meds 

In the end

I did the right thing

And went to my meeting 

I arrived at AA late

I hate being late

I sat down 

And immediately felt anxious

It was only a small meeting

But I was dreading speaking

And in fact

I couldn't think of anything to talk about

So I decided I wouldn't speak at all

But then there was such a long silence after everyone else had spoken 

That I felt under a bit of pressure to speak

So I did

Which was an achievement in itself 

But I spoke from a place of fear and anxiety

So the words fell out of my mouth

And the weren't necessarily the words I wanted to speak 

I didn't say much

But I wasn't happy with what I said

The meeting finished up

And I headed home 

Even though it didn't go as planned

I was glad I went

Then in the car on the way home 

The post meeting analysis began

I began to take apart everything I had said 

Wondering what the others thought of me

Had I said anything wrong or offensive?

It was relentless 

I kept saying out loud

'Shut up' 

But my mind was in a frenzy

And I was mentally beating myself up

I got home

And again

My mind turned to meds

And yet again 

I had another argument with myself about whether to take a knock out amount

I knew I had Mary in a couple of hours

And I was so tempted to text her to cancel

But then I remembered that she had said she is extremely busy

And if I am going to cancel 

To give her plenty of notice

I didn't think it was fair to cancel

So I didn't 

Another achievement 

I  was so glad I went to see Mary

She is such a breath of fresh air 

And in talking to her 

I felt the pressure life from my head

Other things I achieved today.....

I didn't overuse my meds

I helped my sister make pasta

I didn't smoke 

I gave my mum some money towards housekeeping

I resisted the urge to Internet shop

I didn't bite the head off the shopkeeper that was rude to me

I ignored a call from The Boys friend 

What did you achieve today?

There's something about Mary

I know 

I know

I've used that title once or twice before

But there really is something about Mary

As in my Mary

As in Mary my ED therapist

I'm seeing Mary once a week now

All in all I've been seeing her over three years now

She has been a life saver 

Literally

She has been there for me when I couldn't speak to anyone else

And she seems to have an uncanny knack of knowing when I am struggling 

Without me uttering a word 

I saw Mary yesterday

We always start off chatting about something unrelated to EDs

And this week it was eye sight and glasses

As I have just got new ones

We laughed about how we each had been going about life in blurry vision

And  now we could see!

Then it was down to business

First Mary wanted to know if I had been weighing myself

I said I had 

About two times this week

And in the last two weeks I thought I had gained a few pounds

She asked if she could weigh me

I begrudgingly agreed

Mary warned me that she had a new scale

And it was weighing 1kg heavier than her old scale

Oh great I thought to myself 

I stepped on to the scale 

But didn't look down at the number

All the while we were having a very interesting conversation about Scales 

I was telling Mary about last September when I weighed myself on my uncles scales

And saw a number I've never seen in my life before

A number that was so high I could barely comprehend it

Mary asked me what kind of scales it was

I told her it was a dial scale

She said they are notoriously unreliable

She told me that the most reliable scales are the old fashioned ones

You know the ones where they move the actual weight on the scale?

I found all this fascinating

Anyway

I sat back down

And Mary asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her an estimate

And I was bang on

I asked her if it was a healthy weight for my height

And she worked out that my BMI is 21

I can live with that

Just about

The reason I can live with this number

Is that I have experienced the payoffs of being a healthy weight

Mary and I talked about when I first started seeing her

I was a shell of a person

I constantly felt sick, cold and weak

I felt hopeless 

And desperate

Now that I am of a healthy weight

My physical health as well as my mental health has drastically improved

I'm now strong

And able

And capable

The difference is night and day

Mary never lets me leave her office 

Without telling me how far I have come

She often mentions the conference I spoke at

And I can see the pride in her eyes 

She told me that whenever someone asks her if recovery is possible

And if they can get better

She says that yes it is possible

And she thinks of me

I was blown away by this

It was such a lovely thing to say

I guess by anyone's standards 

My life has changed immeasurably 

Mary always reminds me of where I have come from

And that's what my meetings do too

I think it's so important 

Because if I forget where I've cone from

I could end up back there very easily

Mary has been more than a therapist to me 

On some level

I would like to think that she is a friend

And a fellow fighter in this battle against my ED

She is the one professional in my life that I tell basically everything to

I tell my doctor bits

I tell Breda bits

But Mary?

She gets all the gory details 

All the bits that I am ashamed and embarrassed about

She's the one I told about my overdose last year

She's was first one I confided in when I was caught shoplifting 

I feel close enough to get to tell her these things

But she's also just far enough away to be objective

I know I am blessed

And I count my lucky stars that I have her in my life

I've seen countless therapists and counsellors over years

The one who told me I was 'emancipated' 

I think she meant to say emaciated 

The one who told me I was 'not that bad' when I had a BMI of 13

Oh yes

Thre have been many shocking ones

But Mary came in to my life at just the right time

They say don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle

And my miracle came just in the nick of time 

Topics?

I guess what with posting every day

I am bound to run out of things to write about

And today is one of those days

I could write about the antics of my neighbours

And all the drama there 

In fact I started writing a post about them

But decided against it 

As it didn't feel right making a post out of their misfortune 

So I am throwing the floor over to you

Are there any topics you would like to see written about here on this blog

Whether they are ED related

Addiction related 

Or something entirely different 

I'm always on the look out for topics for this blog

Usually I think about what I'm going to write about when I walk my dogs in the morning

But this morning

I had no inspiration at all

So if you can think of anything 

Do let me know....

For you

A lot has changed for me over the past year

As I dip my toe in to this thing called recovery 

My whole life has had a transformation 

And that includes my blogging and writing

I read back on old posts

And I see a very different girl

A girl that was physically and mentally compromised

I lived in what I call Deaths Waiting Room

Some where between life and death

Limbo

A wishy washy no mans land 

My writing back then was hopeless

I wrote from a really bad place

A place where my ED called the shots

And I had little or no control over my life

It was a living hell

I tell no lie

As I have started to recover

My writing has changed

I'm sure you have noticed too

I'm more positive 

Optimistic

I guess I am no longer existing

I am living my life 

My way

For the first time in years

And as I tentatively venture in to recovery

So my reading has changed too

Some of the blogs I used to read

I can no longer

For a variety of reasons

Some blogs are very triggering

And I have to protect myself from that

I hope you understand 

A lot of the time 

It's just too upsetting to read about so many of you beautiful girls struggles

I think of all the wonderful people here on blogger

Pouring their hearts in to the giant abyss that is the internet 

The bottomless vacuum that is the World Wide Web

It's overwhelming to think of all these people suffering

And so 

A lot of the time 

I can't read it

I'm hoping you understand

If your blog is one of the blogs I've stopped reading

I am truly sorry 

But as I said 

I have to protect myself

If you are reading this today

Then post is for you

If you are in recovery 

If you are thinking about recovery

If you are fighting the daily battle against this illness

This post is for you

If you are not in recovery 

If you can't even contemplate it

If your ED seems too big to conquer

If you are losing hope 

If you feel utterly lost

Desperate

This post is for you

If you are struggling with anorexia

Bulimia

EDNOS

Binge eating disorder 

Depression

Anxiety

Bipolar disorder

Personality disorder

Or any other mental health issue

This post is for you

If you are alone in this world

If you don't have family or friends to turn to

If you feel you have no one 

This post is for you

If you haven't told anyone about your ED

If you are silently battling your demons

This post is for you 

If you feel like it's all too much

If you feel like you can't do this

If you feel overwhelmed 

This post is for you 

If you read this blog every day

If you read sometimes 

If you just stumbled across it today

This post is for you

I know that sometimes recovery seems impossible

And that there is no point in trying 

Out EDs can convince us that we are weak

And we can't do it

Our EDs would have us believe that recovery is not an option

I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible

I was at a point in my life 

Where I thought the only option was death

Because I would have rather died than live this half life any more 

I know it seems like my recovery started very suddenly

And it did in a lot of ways

But in reality 

I have been trying to recover for years

I'm even hesitant to use the word recovery

As I don't always feel I am in recovery

But as they say in AA

The only requirement  for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking 

I just want you to know 

That there is hope

There is always hope

I thought I was a lost cause

I figured if my addiction didn't kill me

Then my ED would 

The odds were stacked against me

And I felt I didn't have a chance at life or recovery

So please

Don't  give up

Don't give in

Keep that light in your heart alive

I have seen people at deaths door make a remarkable recovery

We are never too far gone 

Never a lost cause

You can do this

You can have a better life

I promise you this

Give yourself the greatest gift

The gift of life

Reach out and grab it

Don't let it pass you by

Because all too soon 

This life will be over

And will have been just a drop in the ocean of history

Don't let your ED take one more year, month, day from you

Because in spite of what she says

She wants us dead

That is her ultimate goal

To take our lives

Don't let her do that 

Don't let her win

There is nothing glamorous or romantic about starving yourself to death

Or purging do much that you go in to cardiac arrest

I was lucky

I made it out relatively unscathed

But as you know

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

So please

Do it

Go for it

Take that leap of faith

Grab the gift of recovery with both hands 

And don't let go

It will be worth it

I just know it will be

Question?

This post is chance for you to ask me a question

Any thing you like

Maybe about addiction or ED

Or about something completely different

I will do my best to answer it

As you know

I am pretty much an open book

So no topic is off limits 

I get asked questions through email 

So I though I would dedicate a post to it

I am handing the floor ovet to you

What would you like to know........?

Party!!

My goodness it's the first of June already

How time does fly 

This month

I have a birthday party

A fortieth

My sisters friend 

And it's in Cork

Which is the other end of the country

As you may know

I don't tend to go to a lot of social events

Partly because I don't drink

And partly because I'm usually in my pyjamas by 8pm

I guess I got all my partying done at an early age

I was just 14 when I started going to nightclubs

Then came the drug years

When I was out every night of the weekend

And when I wasn't out

I was taking drugs at home

So by the time I was 26

I was pretty much done with partying 

I  don't really venture out after dark now

I don't go to pubs anymore

I've done my time in nightclubs

I used to be a night owl

But I am definitely a morning person

 now

So anyway

I have this party at the end of the month

So the hunt has been in to find something to wear

I had bought a pretty blue skirt and top to wear

But the weather is keeping so cold

That I don't think I am going to get a chance to wear that 

So I've had to find something else

Here is what I've come up with......

Black leather jacket - Dorothy Perkins

Capri pants - Next

White t-shirt - River Island

Nude sandals- Fat Face

Thoughts on recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recovery

Or am I?

I think I am

I mean

I want to be

I try to be

I hope to be 

There is no doubt

That I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months ago

I was in such a dark place

My days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purging

Or silently starving

The binging and purging was relentless 

I shit you not

In the morning 

I'd wake up

Have chocolate for breakfast 

Purge

Go shopping for binge food

Which I may or may not have paid for

Walk my dogs 

No matter how bad things got

I always walked my dogs 

Even if it was a short one when I was very ill

I'd come home

And the binging would commence

Crisps 

Chocolate

Biscuits

Pasta

Bread 

Noodles

Potatoes 

Chicken curry

It just went on and in

I literally couldn't stop

It was terrifying how out of control I was

I can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness

'Ruby

Please

Stop'

My family would beg and plead with me

They'd get angry

Sad

Mad

They were at the end of their tether 

And so was I

It was a nightmare

I remember at night when everyone went to bed

I would tear the kitchen apart

Cooking

Making food 

Eating everything in sight

There were often times when I ate all the bread in the house

Leaving nine for anyone else 

If anyone bought biscuits or chocolate

They didn't last five minutes if I was around

I just couldn't help myself 

Couldn't control myself

Not even if I wanted to

I woke up every morning 

Dreading the day ahead

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again

Literally going in circles 

I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sister

But let me tell you

From someone who has lived through both

They are equally as serious 

And anyone who wants to argue that point?

Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

Even when I went on to treatment last year

I still continued to binge and purge

I purged every meal

Used to raid the biscuit press

And keep a stash of biscuits in my locker

I bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteen

They must have thought I was nuts

And I'm surprised I got away with it at all

I was so sneaky 

Purging any chance I got

I was constantly ducking and diving

Trying to get around staff

Purging was my drug 

And I just couldn't stop

I can remember in all my time intreatnent

I managed only one day purge free

One day

Even with all the support I had

I left treatment weighing less than when I went in

As you know 

In the year since leaving treatment 

Things began to look up 

The incessant binging and purging stopped

And I began to gain some control over my eating

As of now

My weight is stable 

My health has drastically improved

As has my mental health

Don't get me wrong

I still haven't had a purge free day

I purge at least a couple of times a day

But things are the best they've been in a long time

Amen to that

Maybe by medical standards 

I am still unwell

And still very much bulimic

Still eating disordered 

But for me

This is as good as things get

For now

From an addiction point of view

Things are in a similar place

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drugs

But I still struggle to take my meds properly

And have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imagination

But again

Things are as good as they can be

And for now

That is enough

I guess recovery is not destination

It's not an end point

It's a process

It's ongoing

It never ends

There is a saying in AA

That they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection

I love that

It's about constantly growing

Thriving

Blossoming

Fighting for a better life

Recovery takes time 

Another saying in AA is to give time time

Again

So true

Physical recovery takes months

Psychological recovery can take years

And complete recovery can take a life time

That's the thing with eating disorders

You have the double whammy of physical and mental complications

And it really takes a toll

I don't think I have mentioned weight yet

That's the funny things about EDs

Wright does matter 

But it also doesn't matter 

I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthy

And it does matter if you are under weight or obese

And it is having a detrimental effect on your health

I think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine field

We are told that weight doesn't matter

Yet in treatment it becomes such a big deal

I know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing me

The number seemed important to them

So it became important to me

Over the years 

I have been every weight between emaciated and healthy

But I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight

That is no lie

I know that I have a lot of work to do

My recovery is a work in progress

I am no poster girl from recovery 

But am always honest about where I am

I don't see any point in sugar coating things

That helps no one

I will continue to fight for a better life

For a better future

For me and my family 

I've had a glimpse of what my life could be life

I've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can be

And I want more

I want to live the best life I can 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What do you think constitutes recovery?

Which do you think is harder

Living with an ED

Or recovering from one?

What does recovery mean to you?

I'd love to know.....