Good News!

Just a quick post this morning

Monday is doctor day as you know

My doctor wasn't very chatty this morning

He asked me how my week went

And how I got on with my new dose

I told him this week went better

But could he please not reduce my methadone this week

He agreed

Last week he said he was going to reduce it by 2mls a week

Which is quite a lot 

He made the point that we were hoping to be completely off it by next Christmas

And now that won't happen

I don't mind though

I would rather be on more methadone and be stable

Than be on less and messing around

So I am still on 36 mls

And that is just fine with me

I came home 

And wrote out some points for my interview this afternoon

They are going to ring me at 3 30pm

And my slot will last around fifteen minutes

I am super nervous 

I just hope I can do you all proud 

And speak honestly and openly

I will do my very best

That's all I can do

In other news

The postman came at about 11am

With One letter for me

My Mum left it on the coffee table for me

I immediately knew what it was

It was from my course

I slowly opened it

And scanned down through the writing

You know what?

I got in!!

I have my place on the course!

Exciting!

I am delighted to have made it on

Now I have some decisions to make

If I accept this place

My disability benefit will be stopped after one year

And I will have to go on Jobseekers

Who very much stay on your back about getting work 

When my payment is stopped

I can appeal it

But that is a nightmare of red tape that I don't want to go through 

The thing is

If my disability is stopped

It will be nigh impossible to get back on it

I was first put on this payment when I went in to hospital for the first time

My psychiatrist wrote to social welfare

And I was immediately put on disability

And it's great to be on it

As they really do leave you alone

No signing on

The money goes straight in to my bank account

No pressure from social welfare

And I also get a travel pass

Which saves me so much money

My case is reviewed every few years

And that is usually just routine questions 

So if I do this course

I will lose that payment

That security

And all the perks that go with it

It really makes no sense to me

But then that's this country for you

I do have other options

I could try and find another course

It's just that I had my heart set on this one

As its specifically for adults returning to education

It's part time

There's a lot of support

And it's near my home

I guess all I can do is find out all my options

Then make an informed decision

I have two months until the course starts

So I will try to make it work 

I am trying to kill time before my interview

It never ceases to amaze me

The things that have happened through my blog

It just goes to show

That if you are willing to put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen....

 

Sunday

As long term readers know

Sunday used to always be my worst day of the week

The last day of my meds week 

I always overtook my meds during the week 

And had none left by Sunday

So it was always a long, boring day

Often on the verge of withdrawal

I always tried to get up especially early on a Sunday

To tire myself out

In the hope that I would get some much needed sleep that night

But God almighty Sunday was an endless day

The yawning would start early 

The watery eyes

The runny nose

The dull ache in my limbs

The mental torture

It was not fun let me tell you

By Sunday night

My body would be absolutely exhausted 

But my mind super awake 

It's a horrible way to be

Craving sleep so much 

But not being able to snatch even a few minutes

The night is long when you can't sleep

The minutes become hours

The darkness makes everything seem worse

And it feels like you are the only one in the world who is awake

I tried to kill time by reading

Watching box sets

Chain smoking 

And drinking endless cups of tea

Often I would end up in tears

Just so exhausted

And mentally spent

By the time dawn came around

I was just starting to doze 

But then 8am came

And it was time to get up and go to the doctor 

I would drag myself out of bed 

My eyes bleary

My head fuzzy 

My eyes red and swollen from crying 

I felt wired 

Like the walking dead

Often losing the power to make any kind of sense

I don't miss that

So today is Sunday

And it is such a treat to have meds left

Somehow I even had 5 extra mls of methadone too!

That is just unheard of in my house

So today

I can enjoy Sunday just like everyone else

I can relax knowing that I will sleep tonight

And my friends

Is a freakin' revelation.....

Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 

Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow

And boy am I a nervous nelly 

My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people

I am afraid that these people

Family members 

And professionals

Are going to look to me for all the answers

And I'm not sure if I have them

Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday

I mean

I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer

And she outlined what the discussion will centre around

I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic

Ot completely freeze

And won't be able to utter a word 

I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED

A psychiatrist

And the director of an eating disorder clinic

I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl

And I've been thinking about it a lot

My disorder developed when I was about 19

So to all intents and purposes I was an adult

So I haven't experienced my ED as a child

Of course the age does not matter

But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor

And her parents are responsible for her

So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter

But the reality is

That no one can make you eat

No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young

And it's such a complicated illness

That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her

But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child

Something is going on there

And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat

This will somehow help her situation

I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills

And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 

In this childs mind

Her parents have now become the enemy

And the disorder has become her friend 

In a child's world 

It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person

It's a lot like living with an addict

The addiction takes over

And to the addict

Nothing else matters

Only the drug 

Or the ED

So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?

How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 

First off

I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person

The person is getting some sort of pay off

Whether it be control

Attention

The perfect figure

Relief of anxiety

Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 

Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits

The first port of call is usually your GP

He/ she is not an expert in EDs

And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services

Or what ever services are available in the community

I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 

And found them of little help

But then I had no interest in getting well

It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery

I've also been inpatient numerous times

And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me

I don't doubt that it works for some people

But definitely not me

I have always done much better recovering from home

That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED

Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder

We push away family and friends 

We lose interest in school and hobbies

And become completely immersed in the ED

We read about it

Watch films about it

Watch documentaries about it

Maybe we speak to others on line about it

Nothing else matters

Nothing else captures our attention like our ED

I thinking the tricks of recovery

Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED

What ever that may be

A hobby

A job

A person

An interest

In my case it was my dogs 

They meant more to me than my ED ever could 

And have massively helped me in my recovery

Everyone has something that they love 

Be it horse riding

Reading

Writing 

Acting

Hula hooping 

It could be absolutely any thing

As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 

All I can do is share what worked for me

And give some one rough guide lines

I'm not an expert

I have been through it

And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 

I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery

I think recovery is like training a wild animal

You can train it 

And manage it 

But there is always the possibility that it will bite

As you can never fully tame it

I never consider myself out of the woods 

I know it's a life long battle

With many hurdles

All we can do is take it day by day

Meal by meal

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going

To have hope 

Faith 

And courage

And as I always like to say

Baby steps all thee way! 

Tv Show Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post about an email I got regarding taking part in a tv show

I received an email from a lady from a tv company called Levant Tv

Asking me if I would be willing to take part in a tv debate about eatingdisorders

That is to be recorded next Monday

I was suspicious of the email at first

As it was so general

Out of curiosity 

I emailed the lady back

A response came quickly

And it all sounded very professional

However 

I did want to speak to someone before committing to anything 

So I emailed my phone number 

And asked her to give me a call

The call came in within minutes

And I spoke at length to the lady

She explained that Levant Tv is Lebannese 

And their shows are streamlined on line

As well as being shown on tv in some countries

She described how there would be a few people taking part in this particular show

A psychiatrist

An eating disorder clinic director

The mother of a young girl with an ED

And myself

This lady found me through my blog

And wants me to spread the message of hope

That there is light at the end of the tunnel

And that there is life beyond an ED

To me

This all sounds great

This is exactly the reason that I write my blog

To give others hope 

Yet give an honest and unflinching account of what it's like to live with an eating disorder

I can't lie

I am nervous beyond belief to do this

But more than wanting to do it

I feel I need to do it

I feel like it's my responsibility to speak for us 

For everyone one of you who is out there in your own little corner of the world 

Suffering

Some suffering alone

And in silence

If I can give someone at least a little bit of hope

Then I am happy with that

I know when I first started trying to recover from drugs

It was so important to me that I saw someone who was doing it

Who was actively enjoying recovery

Not enduring it

Someone who had been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

It's so very important to see another human being achieving what we want to achieve 

Because then we know that it is possible

Then we know that it's real

Part of me is feeling like a bit of a fraud though

I mean

In all honesty

I am no poster girl for recovery

I still struggle on daily basis 

I am no where near recovered

But I guess that is a more realistic view of recovery

Recovery is a spectrum

We are all at different points

But we are all on it

What ever stage we are at

Recovery is not so black and white

There is a  huge grey area 

Where most of us reside

I hope to carry a message of hope

And also a realistic version of recovery

I just hope that I can do it justice

As you know

I am not a great speaker

I much prefer to write 

Then I can get the words out at my own pace 

Maybe the fact that I am on the phone will make it easier

I don't know

I had to send a photo of myself that they will show when I am speaking 

Now that was an ordeal

Which photo to choose?

Instead of trawling through them all

I used the first half decent one that o came across 

It was taken last winter 

I am out walking 

And the beach is in the background 

Anyway 

It'll do as they say

With all said

I am throwing the floor over to you

Are there any specific topics or areas that you think I should address?

Is there anything that you think is important to mention?

Any advice you could give the mother of the young girl?

Or anything they you think is worth mentioning?

Do let me know if you can think of anything 

Ok

I'm off to pace manically

And chew my finger nails 

As I await the up coming day.....

Day 6

Today is day 6 of operation don't weigh for a year

Whilst trying to decide whether to do the year or not

My only set of scales decided to give up and die

So whether I like it or not

I am scale free

Goodbye dear scale

You served your time with me

You brought some joy

But mostly you brought despair and disappointment 

I am through with measuring my self worth with you

It will hard to break the tie with you

You were an integral part of my ED

Intrinsically linked to my self esteem and confidence

I'm sure I will miss you

But just like with smoking 

I know I'll get over you

I'm sorry to break up with you do suddenly

But you are causing me too much heartbreak

I can't live this way any more 

It's time for you to go

Our relationship was bad news from the start 

I knew it was unhealthy 

Toxic

I should have known that it would end in tears

I tried to leave many times

But every time you lured me back in

I was too weak to resist

I am stronger now though 

I have some recovery behind men

And for the first time in my life

I feel able to stand up to you 

I won't let you control me anymore 

It doesn't seem like much

 But breaking the cycle with you

Is one of the most important things I can do

So I'm going to do it

Today is Day 6

6 down

359 to go.....

Interview Update

I'm just back from my interview

As I said in previous posts

It's a two year course

Business and computers

Specifically for adults who want to go back to learning 

It's ideal for me

I've been out of education for a long time

So it's a nice way to ease back in to it

I woke up at 5am

I knew I would sleep anymore

So I got up 

And sat with the dogs for a while 

Watched some tv

And dozed on the couch

The interview was on my mind all morning

I knew it would be more of a chat than a formal interview

But I still wanted to do as well as I could

The interview was at 2 15pm

So I got dressed at about one 

I changed my outfit slightly 

And added a blue shirt instead of a white t-shirt

As I thought it looked a bit smarter 

My Dad was here

So he drove me

And we set off at about 1 30pm

After a couple of stops 

We arrived at the school at 2pm

My Dad went and parked 

And I went straight in

I saw a sign telling me where to go

I saw some seats and a girl looking very nervous

I asked her if I was at the right place

She said I was

She seemed super nervous

I tried to make small talk

But she wasn't interested

After a few minutes a girl came out of the interview room

And the girl next to me was called in

When I get nervous 

I always have to pee

So I went for a quick one

When I got back to my seat 

I realised I could hear practically every word of the interview

A heard a couple of questions 

And filed them  mentally so I would have the answers if I was asked too

Soon the girl came out

She wished me good luck

Which was nice of her

Then the door opened again

And it was my turn

My heart gave a flutter of anxiety

And I walked in to the room

There were two women there

They told me their names and who they were

But for the life of me I can't remember 

I sat down 

And the interview began 

They asked me where I'd heard about the course

What interest did I have in the subjects

What exams I had

They saw from my application that I was on disability benefit

And explained that I need to write to social welfare to tell them I am doing the course

They also mentioned the possibility that my payment could be stopped after one year

Which is worrying 

And something I'll have look into

I've been on disability benefit since I was first admitted to hospital in 2008

It's great because they kind of leave you alone 

And only check up on you every few years

I was also able to work a few hours over the years

But  having  the payment cut would cause me a lot of problems 

Anyway

Back to the interview

They asked me about previous work 

Where I had lived 

Had I done any voluntary work

Thankfully I remembered that I had 

When I was an exam scribe

Then asked if there was any reason that I wouldn't make it in to the course

I took this as my opportunity to tell them about the fact that I've struggled with eating disorders

They asked how that would manifeste itself

I said it would probably be a mental thing at first

A crisis of confidence

Or experiencing anxiety

I did however 

Emphasise that I am the bed I've been in a long time

And hoped to continue that way 

They really were very nice 

And said they would do everything to support and help me

I felt so relaxed and comfortable

And got such a good vibe 

After a few more questions 

I couldn't believe I when they said it was lovely to meet me

And just like that

It was all over

I couldn't believe it 

I felt like I had just sat down 

They told me that the offer letters would be posted tomorrow

So I'll be waiting for mine with baited breath

I left the interview feel positive and hopeful

The only stumbling block is the issue of my payment 

Which more than likely will be stopped if I do this course

I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

I will also speak to my mum who works in adult education

Or used to work should I say

As she retires this week

I'll find out as much information as I can

And make a decision the 

I feel wrecked tired after the interview though

I was a bit wound up about it all morning

And it's just nice to have it over and done with

Also

Thank you all for your comments, texts and emails wishing me well

It really means a lot 

Right

I'm off to have a little nap

Are you on the next post....

Honey and Lea

As you know

Honey and Lea are my two dogs

Lea is a beautiful golden retriever 

And Honey is a fiesty terrier

I got them when I moved up here ten years ago

And they both turned ten recently 

Honey came from the local dog shelter 

She had originally been in a home with a single mother and a baby

But she couldn't cope 

So Honey was left on to the shelter 

I can still remember the day I collected her

She was five months old

And so giddy and full of energy and fun

I brought her home

She wasn't in the house ten minutes

When she made herself at home

And jumped up on one of the chairs in our sitting area

She was cheeky from the start

And nothing has changed in that respect

But that is one of the things I love about Honey

That she has a naughty streak

She knows she's only allowed on the kitchen 

But any chance she gets

Age runs out the door and down to my bedroom

One of her favourite things to do is roll around on my bed

And no matter how many times you tell her not to do it

She will chance her arm again and again

A few months after we got Honey

We decided to get another dog

I specifically wanted a retriever

So I found Lea through an advertisement 

Again 

Lea was about five months when we got her

From the start

She was the complete opposite to Honey

When we brought her home

She spent the first day hiding in the bushes at the bottom of the garden

She was super nervous 

And very wary of us to begin with

Over time Lea has improved a lot 

She can still be anxious

But she had come on leaps and bounds

And found her confidence

My dogs have literally been a life saver 

And saved my sanity over and over again

When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning

I got up for them

When I didn't want to leave my house

I left to walk them 

They give uncinditional love

And are always so delighted to see me if I so much as leave the room for ten minutes

When I went in to hospital at the end of 2013 - start 2014

My mother and father looked after my dogs 

It was around this time that Leas fur began to fall out

First on a little patch on her back

But it soon spread so that her whole back was almost bald

My mum didn't tell me at the time

As she didn't want to worry me

But when I went home for Christmas 

I saw it for myself

My mum also told me that Lea had sunk in to a kind depression since I had left

I was worried

We brought her to the vet

The took bloods

Checked her hormone levels

But everything came back normal

They couldn't find any medical reason as to why her fur was falling out

I went back to hospital

And Lea continued to deteriorate 

A few weeks later

I was discharged 

And went home for good 

It was soon after this that I overdosed 

And all the professionals stepped in

A plan was put in place

My meds were tweaked 

And slowly but surely 

I began to improve 

I gained weight 

My mood picked up

And my anxiety lessened

Then I noticed that Lea began to perk up

Her mood improved

And miraculously 

Her fur stopped falling out

And began to grown back

We were all shocked here

And my mother came to the conclusion that she had been ill because I was ill

And my illness effected her so much 

That she fell in to a depression and her fur fell out

As I continued to improve

So did Lea

And it did me the world of good to see her recover

As I'm sure it did get to see me

We spoke to a vet afterwards

And she confirmed that it could have been Leas stress levels that made her so unwell

It still blows my mind to think about it

When I was in hospital

Every Wednesday night

A lady brought in a therapy dog

She went around the wards 

Visiting patients

Letting them stroke and play with the dig

So it is recognised that dogs can aid recovery

I know my dogs massively helped me over the years

Even when I was at my sickest

I still walked them daily

Fed them

And played with them

In a lot of ways 

They kept me going 

Helped me hang on

And most definitely kept me sane

Lea and Honey are now both ten years old

Honey has one eye left

But she is still going strong

In dog years 

They are now 70

So really they are elderly 

And I can see it in them 

I just can't imagine life without them

They are part of the family

An integral part of the family

Here they are on Fathers Day

Cheeky Honey will never look at the camera