Weightless.....

So

You know the way I've been not weighing myself

And don't even keep a scales in the house anymore 

Well

This morning 

My usual doctor was back 

And as I sat in the seat opposite him

The scales beckoned me 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

He said sure

So I kicked of my trainers 

And walked over to said scales 

I tapped it 

Waited for it to stop flashing 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers bounced around 

Until they settled on an amount 

I looked 

And registered the number in my brain 

I'm up two kilos 

At first 

I felt massive disappointment 

Failure even 

My doctor asked me what the number was

And I reluctantly told him

I didn't really hear anything else he said after that 

I was lost in my own weight related thoughts 

I left the room 

My head spinning 

I looked at my reflection in the glass on the way out 

I looked the same 

I looked ok

Did these two kilos even matter?

Right then it did

It mattered more than anything else in the world 

I headed up to the pharmacy 

Handed in my script 

And sat down to blog 

I have to say

After the initial shock of seeing the number

I already had a diet plan in mind 

I was already buying a new scale 

And a new notebook to record my weight

But as I wrote 

I was reminded of all the good things on my life at the moment 

I mean

Does two kilos even matter?

I began to feel a little better then

I know my weight can fluctuate wildly 

And I'm actually sorry that I weighed myself 

Nothing else happened this morning 

I didn't gain two kilos since this morning 

And I was ok with my weight this morning

The only thing that has changed since then 

Is that I weighed myself 

I measured my self worth in kilos and grams 

And that is just not right 

So no

I won't be crash dieting 

I won't be weighing myself regularly 

I won't watch what I eat 

This is the weight that my body needs to be at right now 

It's a healthy weight for my height

I am no where near over weight 

Everything is ok

I am ok 

Just the way I am 

At first 

I felt a massive urge to buy a new scale 

But I didn't 

And I won't 

I know that is a slippery slope 

I'm not even going to work out my BMI

It doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize 

On all the good things that are happening for me at the moment 

Am I going to let two kilos ruin that?

Absolutely no way 

Not in this life 

Not to this girl 

I actually now regret weighing myself 

No good ever comes from it

And I end up feeling like a failure 

A waste of space 

But the n msun thing is 

That I keep my head and take each day as it comes 

Shift by shift

Hour by hour 

I'm in tomorrow and Thursday for more training 

And I officially start on Friday evening 

A four hour shift

The next four days I have full days 

I just hope I can do this 

and I don't make a total mess of it 

I will do my best 

That's all I can do

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Do you work?

Are you full

Or part time?

How long have you been working?

What do you do?

And do you enjoy it?

Have you any tips for me?

Inquiring minds want to know... Xx

The Day of Rest

This weekend 

I am taking the opportunity to relax and get prepared for the start of my working week next Friday

I am in for more training Tuesday and Thursday 

Then my first live shift is the evening shift on Friday

That weekend is a bank holiday weekend here 

So I will be working Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday

These consecutive days will really give me a chance to throw myself in at the deep end 

And get stuck in 

Georgina keeps reiterating 

That this job is mainly about common sense 

I just hope I have enough 

I really hope I can do this 

And I haven't bitten off more than I can chew 

I feel like at the moment

There is a huge clock, counting down to my first shift 

D Day 

I am both terrified and excited to start work 

All I can do is my best 

And I will most definitely give it my all

If I can just hold my nerve 

And turn up for work everyday

I really think it will do me the power of good 

With my confidence 

Self esteem

Everything 

I can't stress enough 

How important this job is 

I really think it will make or break me

But maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself 

Maybe I should take it day by day

Shift by shift 

And go from there 

I went horse riding again yesterday 

I was on Princess

And was instructed by Roisin

For a change 

We went out to the outdoor arena 

As the weather was fine

It felt great to ride out in the fresh air 

I felt so free

Princess is starting to co-operate with me 

But I really need to work on my control of the horse 

We did a lot of trotting 

Jumped some small jumps 

And did a good bit of cantering towards the end of the session 

It was brilliant 

Every time I go 

I just want to do more and more 

I would do it every single day if I could 

It gives me a natural high

A feeling that drugs used to give me 

Except this is better 

There are no negative effects

It's good for me 

I am so grateful to have found something that I am passionate about 

That feeds my soul

It's also something to work at 

To progress and improve 

Something to work towards 

I can't explain to you how much I love it 

I'm actually surprised that I haven't found riding until now 

I guess dancing was my thing when I was younger 

And then I went off the rails after that 

So horse riding never really came up for me 

Anyway

I've found it now 

And better late than never right?

That's really all to report for today folks 

Life is good 

I am good 

You can't ask for much more than that....

Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday

Hence why I didn't post

By the time I got home 

My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 

So yes

The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 

I thought we were just going over a couple of things 

But we were there for six hours in total

And boy was there a lot to take in

Again

Georgina was training us 

And again

She was super clear and direct about what we need to do

And what is expected of us

She went through a massive folder with us 

Of policies and procedures 

She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty

It really was an eye opener

As Georgina told us story after story 

Some very distressing 

She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre

From women's groups 

To families 

To single people 

To old peoples groups 

Also people with mental health issues 

And addiction

She talked about drugs quite a bit 

And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 

And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 

I have told her about my ED 

But have not divulged anything about drugs 

I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 

We had a lunch break at 1pm

And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa

Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 

I was told yesterday 

That I might have to remove my piercings 

Which is annoying 

But nothing was said today 

So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again

Sinead is lovely 

She's 19

And full of energy 

Mentally I think I am around her age 

So I think we'll get on well

After lunch 

It was back to run through fire drills 

Panic buttons 

And so on 

We finished up around 4pm

And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air

We do have a dress code 

Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top

So I'm just organising what I do have 

I have a few pairs of black trousers 

All different sizes of course 

But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 

Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 

She is keeping an eye on me

And asked me how I felt about the job now 

And did I think it would be too much 

I was honest with her 

And told her that I bounced from being super excited 

To being completely terrified

I also decided to tell her about my drug history 

She took it well

I asked if it changed anything she said not at all

But to not tell everyone about it 

Which I wouldn't anyway 

I explained that I have been stable a long time 

And have great support 

She asked about these supports 

And what my family thought of my taking this job

I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 

And my whole family is behind me

Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 

But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me

And that I will flourish there 

She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago

And that there was a genuine warmth off me 

Which was lovely to hear 

I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job

I refer to my Mum and Georgina

Two strong smart women 

Who have looked me in the eye 

And told me with such conviction

That I can do this 

And not only can I do it 

I will be good at it

It's great to have others believe in you 

When you have very little faith in yourself

I came home yesterday evening 

Absolutely knackered 

My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed

I told my Mam all about the house and the training 

Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life

Because the centre is non profit

They are not driven by money 

So where as in one of the hotels 

I would just be a number 

In this job 

I am Ruby 

And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre

Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours

I know I am blessed to work in such a place 

It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills

And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

So 

I have a few days off now 

I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 

Then have my first live shift Friday

I'm using my days off to recharge 

To relax 

To go to my meetings 

And horse riding 

To make sure my recovery is on track 

And that all my ducks are in a row 

It's funny 

Now that I have more in my life 

My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 

Of course 

Life is not perfect 

But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 

I don't have a scales 

So I don't weigh myself 

And I don't miss it 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel good 

Well that's all that matters 

I can't lie 

I still purge from time to time 

But it is no where near they way it was 

When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 

I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!

But I did 

I'm still alive and kicking 

And ready to face another challenge

It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 

I was really struggling 

But as I always say 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as fast 

And I am writing this post 

To let you know 

That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction

This is not a fluke 

Or an accident 

My recovery is down to hard work and determination

I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 

I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 

Literally 

But you can still climb out 

And live a full life 

I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 

The same with energy 

Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 

It's a huge reason to keep going

Of course 

My life is not perfect 

I struggle day to day 

With eating enough 

With body image 

With self confidence and self esteem 

I am too hard on myself 

And doubt myself a lot 

But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got

That's all any of us can do 

So please 

Today 

Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 

Addicted to heroin

With a chronic eating disorder 

There wasn't much hope for me 

But 

I was lucky 

My family pulled me through

Never gave up on me 

I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 

Especially the women 

Strong women are a role model for me

And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 

My mother who is my hero

My two sisters 

My aunties 

Ladies at the meetings 

I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 

And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

Anyway 

I'm off to have a little rest 

And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 

Wishing you a happy Friday 

And see you on the next post......

Wednesday

Before I get in to this post

I want to thank you all

For your comments, emails and texts 

For you well wishes 

And kind words of encouragement 

They mean more than you will ever know

Something that gives me a real boost

Is knowing that all of you beautiful ladies are behind me

And rooting for me

I really feel the love you send my way

And it is much appreciated 

Also 

I wanted to reply to the anonymous commenter 

Who implied that I don't have my priorities straight

That I should fit my activities around my job

And not the other way around 

Look 

To me 

My riding 

My meetings 

And my appointments are all as important to me as my job

My activities during the week are what keep me going 

Without them 

I know I would go down hill very quickly

So as you can imagine 

I am very keen and determined to keep them up 

For me 

My recovery is a combination of things 

And they are all of equal importance 

Of course in an ideal world 

I would work full time 

And do my bits at the weekend 

However it is mostly weekends that I am working 

And I prefer it that way 

I find weekends can be long and boring 

So I am excited to be busy doing things at that time 

I am down to work on Wednesday 

From 8am - 12pm

So I had to swap with another girl 

And now I am doing the 4pm - 8pm

So I can still go riding 

But this still poses a problem 

In that usually I am wrecked tired after riding 

And the last thing I am wanting to do is head in to put in a four hour shift at work 

I will try it for the first few weeks 

And see how I get on

I rang the other horse riding place today

And they can't facilitate my lessons during the week

So it looks like I will miss riding there for the next while 

Another thing that was suggested to me 

Was that when I go out for my lesson

That I stay for two lessons 

To make it more worth my while 

But I guess I have to accept that things will be a bit all overcrowd place for the next couple of months 

And there is sweet f#*k all I can do about that 

But 

I trust that it will all work out for the best 

Right 

I'm off to make dinner for myself and the patient

See you on the next post....

Work induction

I'm just back from my first day of work induction

Myself and another girl were there to meet the manager

And to go through what we will be doing 

And our hours 

Luckily 

Most of my hours are at the weekend 

With one short evening shift on a Wednesday

So really and truly it doesn't interfere with my other activities 

I will still get to horse riding Wednesday morning

To my meetings 

And appointments 

Which is great

I'll be working about 22 hours a week

Which means my disability will be effected slightly 

But that's ok

I will get to keep the majority of it

I actually found out this week

That I can only earn €120 or less each week without my disability being effected

So that's less than ten hours a week

Which wouldn't be worth my while

Or my employers 

So any hours over that ten

My disability will be cut on a sliding scale 

But 

I think it will all work out fine

I'm going to do the 22 hours

I think it will be good for me 

We were given so much information today

It was mind boggling 

The other girl there was a lot younger than me 

Early twenties I'd say

But we had a little chat

And she seems lovely 

Georgina is the manager 

And she is very firm but fair 

I like her a lot 

There is no nonsense about her 

She gave us a lot of possible scenarios that could possibly happen 

Basically 

The holiday centre is a non profit centre for those who ordinarily couldn't afford a holiday 

It is run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul

They also run a thrift shop

And an elderly care home 

I did the interview for the job back in February

And it has been a long process to get this far

But I am super excited to start working 

Georgina emphasised that the three things key to the centre

Are friendliness, cleanliness and good food 

She really gave us a great introduction to working there 

I'm back in on Thursday to meet the rest of the staff

We finished up at lunch time

And I seized the opportunity to have a quick chat with Georgina 

She needed my bank details and things 

And while we were doing some paperwork

She asked me if I thought it would be too much for me 

As I had explained to her the last time we met about my ED

And how I am in recovery 

I was honest with her

At first 

I felt a little out of my depth

This is my first proper job in quite a while 

And I told her it was a confidence thing with me more than anything else

Georgina assured me that she had every confidence and faith in me

And said I would be like a new woman by the end of the three months working 

It was nice to hear that she believes in me

I just wish I had the same belief in myself 

But I guess that will come in time

I really think this job could be a life changer for me 

If I can just face my fears and anxieties 

Turn up 

And give it my best 

I start officially June 3rd

So I have just over a week to get myself prepared 

I know I'm going to be nervous

Starting a new job is tough for anyone 

And throw in a few mental health issues

And an addiction to drugs

It could all go very wrong

But I'm choosing to be positive 

And to go in with a clear and level and open mind 

I know the first few shifts will be bumpy 

As I get used to their way of doing things 

But I know if I can just hang in there

It could be the making of me 

It could give me back my confidence 

That I so desperately miss

It could help me see that I am capable and able to work

It could even be a stepping stone on to more work 

I'm a hard worker 

And I love to be busy 

Love to be on the go all the time 

And this job will most definitely be busy 

Which will suit me down to the ground 

Because of the nature of the work

I will be dealing with vulnerable people 

People with mental health issues

Addiction

For some people 

This will be their first holiday

People who might not be used to a structured environment 

Who don't eat three square meals a day 

We are situated on the towns main road 

So anyone can wander in

And it will be up to me to deal with these people 

I hope given the fact that I have experienced a lot in my life

Will help me to be empathetic 

And understanding 

But at the same time

I can't let myself be taken advantage of

Because I think I can be seen as a soft touch sometimes 

I was interested in listening to Georgina today 

As she is so friendly and warm

But at the same time 

I know she takes no shit from anyone

I would love to be like that 

And hopefully this job will help me find my own voice

My own inner confidence 

And self esteem 

Despite my anxiety though

I am going to do this 

I am going to go in with a positive mind set 

Anything I don't know 

I can ask 

And I think throwing myself in at the deep end is good for me

As then I have to figure things out

But you guys 

This is a huge deal for me 

My job will even be put through the books!

Something that hasn't happened to me in a long time 

My last two jobs were cash in hand 

But now I'm going to be a proper Bona fide employee!

How exciting is that?

I'm just so happy that I'm going to be able to fit in everything around my job

It's so very important to me

To be able to go horse riding 

To see my doctor 

And Breda 

And Mary

It's going to be a busy summer 

That's for sure 

But you know what?

This is it

This is me living my life 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

This is making huge progress with my independence 

And that is just wonderful for me 

Finally 

Things are all coming together for me

And I feel alive!

Please say a wee prayer for me this week

I know all you ladies are behind me

And I appreciate that so much

Thank you

You are amazing!

What is happening to blogger?

Is it just me 

Or is blogger really quiet of late?

It just seems to be like a bit of a ghost town 

Where it was once thriving and buzzing

Now it's eerily calm and quiet

I guess blogger is not cool anymore 

Twitter and Instagram are really where it's at

I don't really use any social media apart from Blogger 

I've never really been a fan of Facebook

I do have an account 

But I rarely use it 

Or even look at it

It's just not my thing 

I don't use Twitter or Instagram either 

But am thinking about joining one or both

I am not the most technically minded person 

But I think I could get the hang of it

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

When I depended on blogger for so much 

For support with my ED and addiction

And for social interaction 

As I was getting precious little in my real life

My blog was about sharing my story 

And to meet like minded people 

There was a real buzz about blogger a few years ago

But that seems to be diminishing 

And there is only a small core group of bloggers left 

Where have all the others gone?

I don't know 

I'm hoping that they have moved on from the difficult place they were in

I'm hoping they are now in recovery 

And don't need the support of blogger

I'm hoping they are in some kind of recovery 

I just hope that they are ok

Some of these girls I was very close to

So it's quite distressing when they vanish in to thin air 

The truth is that some of them will have recovered 

Some will have one foot in the disorder 

And one in their ED

And some will still be up to their neck in ED behaviours 

I would love to hear from some of those who have disappeared 

So if you are out there 

If you are reading

Do get in touch 

I would love to hear from you 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you use any other social media?

Which ones do you use?

Are you like me 

And really miss some bloggers who have now disappeared?

Are you in touch with any of them?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Looking the part!

Yesterday

I bought my very own riding hat

My Dad and I went in to a shop in town 

It's actually the shop where I buy my dogs food

They have everything in that shop!

I tried on about eight different hats 

Until I found one that fit me perfectly 

Now I feel very much the part 

With my very own boots and hat 

Now I just need the jodhpurs 

And I will be a proper horsey person

Here are some photos....