Toughing it out...

The last few days have been tough

After hearing about the suicide of my friend 

I almost fell apart

I was at work when I found out 

So I couldn't very well crumble then

But on Sunday night

I had a dream about my friend 

He was exactly the way I remember him

Young 

Carefree

Cheeky 

I woke up in the morning in tears

Cue a whole day of feeling so sad and emotional

I had my doctor at 9am

And the minute I sat down in his office 

The tears continued to flow

My doctor was so kind to me 

He let me cry 

Gave me as much time as I needed to collect myself 

The thing about suicide 

Is that it leaves so many unanswered questions 

And what ifs?

What if I had been a better friend?

What if we had never broke up?

What if I had made more of an effort?

But as my doctor said 

A person could seem fine one minute 

Then go home and overdose 

Or hang themselves 

You just never know what is going through a persons head 

On Sunday I went to mass at the holy well with my parents 

I prayed for my friend 

And lit a candle for him

Saying goodbye in my own way 

I just hope he is at peace now 

Finally 

I've had no work since Saturday 

As it's been very quiet

But I'm back in tomorrow 

And will be working all weekend 

To be honest 

I've missed work 

I miss the structure 

The routine 

The escape 

The people 

I'm glad to get back to it 

And of course the paycheque at the end of the week is always welcome 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday 

Or at least one of his team 

She was lovely 

A Polish lady 

So friendly and enthusiastic 

She told me that she had been reading my file 

And that I am doing really well

She seemed genuinely pleased for me 

I spoke a bit about my friend 

As he has been on my mind so very much 

She was so kind too 

I must say 

I feel

So grateful for the people I have in my life 

A lot of the time 

I feel like I am being carried along by them 

My feet not touching the ground at all 

I am surrounded by amazing people 

My family 

My friends 

May horse riding 

At work 

And especially the friends I've made recently 

Now I can say that I truly know the meaning of friendship 

I've let go of people who were dragging me down 

Using me

I now know that I am worth so much more 

I deserve to be treated well

Just like anyone else 

I won't set myself on fire 

To keep someone else warm

And God knows I've done enough of that over the years 

Today 

I am just back from horse riding 

It was fantastic as always 

I got a lift out with Fintan 

And it was just the two of us today 

I like when it's just the two of us 

As we are in a similar place riding wise 

And today Eilish really pushed us 

And got very technical

I loved it though 

I love the challenge 

I'm so eager to learn and improve 

And just be the best that I can 

We did a good bit of cantering 

Which is such a rush!

I swear 

I am so envious of Eilish and her family 

The have this brilliant facility in their back garden 

They can ride when ever they want 

I would give anything to have that available to me 

An hour a week just isn't enough anymore 

So I asked Eilish if come autumn I could go out for half a day a week

And maybe get two lessons instead of one 

Fintan would also love to do this 

Eilish said to leave it with her 

So hopefully that will happen for us 

It would just make more sense all round 

I travel an hour to get to riding 

So to spend more time there would really benefit me

I finish work in September 

So it would be great to have that To look forward to

In other news

My Dad is deteriorating quite a bit 

And we are all very concerned about him

We worry that he is not managing at home alone 

Basic every day things like dressing, cooking and shopping my are becoming increasingly difficult fir him

The nurse specialist is visiting him today 

And in fairness 

The support he is getting is fantastic 

He is being well looked after 

It's very hard as we need endless patience to deal with him

I guess it's an adjustment for us all

And it will take time 

But yes 

Even though I am feeling a bit raw and emotional 

I am ok 

Or at least I will be

I like to think of my friend as I knew him 

And I do have a lot of fond memories 

That's what I'm going to hold on to

It seems everyone has a past 

Something they are dealing with 

No one is immune 

No one gets off Scott free

We all have across to bear 

ED wise 

I am doing ok 

I have no clue what I weigh 

It doesn't really matter I guess 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel healthy and well

That's all that really matters 

Yes I still purge from time to time 

But recovery is about progression not perfection

I'm doing the best I can

I'm eating 

I'm not restricting in any way 

I'm not compensating with exercise or laxatives 

Yes 

I still struggle with body image 

And struggle not see myself body in a negative light 

I have to accept I'm not 19 anymore 

I am a 34 year old woman 

I have boobs and hips 

I'm curvy 

I have a shape 

Some days I love it 

Other days I hate it 

But I'm healthy and happy 

No matter what I weigh 

I would take this over anorexia or bulimia any day of the week

So 

That's it from me for today 

I'm off for a cuppa 

And to spend some time with my dogs 

See you on the next post....

RIP

I write this post a very sad and confused Ruby

It's been a crazy week

I saw on Facebook last week

That I guy I was friends when I was growing up was missing 

And had been for a few days

I wasn't worried at first 

And there was no panic to begin

With 

Just concern that he was ok

In fact 

This guy had been more than my friend 

He had been my first ever boyfriend when I was just 14

We went out for about ten months 

Which is a lifetime when you are that age 

I went to the girls school

He went to the local tech 

We met every day after school

Smoking cigarettes and stealing kisses around the back of the church 

We wrote each other letters 

And because we both loved The Doors 

We addressed each other as Pamela and Jim

How cringey 

But also how cute

Then 

After a few years 

We hooked up again 

After we lived in the same neighbourhood

But 

It didn't last 

As I was going off the rails with drugs 

I kept an eye on FB during the week

But there was no sign of him

Then 

On Friday 

I saw messages of condolence on social media 

But I still didn't know what had happened

I went in to work yesterday morning as usual

Still none the wiser

I got a text from a girl I went to school with 

I figured it was about this guy 

So I took a few minutes to ring her

She confirmed it 

He was dead 

I asked her what had happened 

She explained that he had been working in the UK

And had been home for a short while 

Apparently 

He had been suffering with mental health issues

And was experiencing depression and paranoia 

My friend thought that this may have been due to drug abuser over the years 

He hung himself 

He was 36 years old 

Even though he was suffering 

He sought no help

And wasn't under the care of a doctor 

Or any other professional

This news breaks my heart 

Another young man lost to suicide

It's confusing 

It's disturbing 

And deeply upsetting 

My heart goes out to his loved ones 

He will be missed

I just hope he has found some peace

God knows he deserved it

I was in work when I heard this news

And I confided in my work mate 

It was good to talk about him

And remember him

I rang my Mam to tell her 

She would have taught this guy in school

It hit her hard too

And she was in tears as I explained about his death

Thankfully

I was on a short shift 

And was only working until 12pm

But to be honest with you 

I kind of wish that I had been working longer 

At least then I wouldn't have been thinking about him so much

I have so many lovely memories about this guy 

And I guess he was my first love 

Now 

I guess there are so many what ifs?

If only he had talks to someone 

If only he had asked for help 

If only I had kept in touch with him

I can't imagine what was going through his head

That he felt his only option was to disappear from everyone 

Tie a knot in a rope 

And end his short life 

It's just so very sad

I despair 

I really do

It seems that suicide is becoming an epidemic in this country 

Heck I've been there myself 

In a situation where I thought my family would be better off without me 

That things would never improve 

And that death was the only release from the pain I was in

Thankfully

I have moved past a place where life scared me more than death

I feel more able to cope with life 

And whatever it throws at me

This is what we need 

The tools to deal with life 

Because heaven knows life is not a straight path 

There are so many bumps and obstacles along the way

But we do our best 

And that's all we can do

This morning 

The parental unit and I went to mass at the holy well

It's a mass for the sick 

So Dad wanted to go to get blessed 

I also got blessed 

And I lit a candle for my friend 

Hoping that he has now found peace

They say that suicide is a selfish act 

I don't buy that 

The person who is suffering often feels like they are a burden to their loved ones 

And that they are better off without them

They believe that they are relieving their family of stress and worry 

But of course that is not the case 

Suicide leaves a trail of grief and destruction

Confusion and deep loss 

Death is just so final 

And especially when it is a young person

Who had everything to live for 

I feel quite empty 

Like life is sometimes pointless 

We live 

We die 

And we get a very short space of time between the two

For a long time 

I placed no value on my own life 

I didn't care whether I lived or died 

It just wasn't important to me at all

But now 

Now I want to live 

I want to be alive 

And part of this world 

I just wish that my friend had reached out and asked for help 

It's too late now

RIP Michael

You are loved and missed...

This is.....

This is me 

A 34 year old woman

I am Irish 

I am a daughter

A sister 

An auntie

A doggy mama

A friend 

An employee

A horse rider 

This is me 

I struggle with mental health issues 

Including addiction

Depression

Anxiety 

And eating disorders

I now consider myself to be in recovery 

I am in recovery 

It's a journey 

Not a destination

This is me 

I am a good person 

Yes 

I have done bad things in my life 

But inherently 

I am a good person 

And I do my best every day 

To not hurt myself or anyone else 

This is me 

I may be 34 

But inside 

I still feel 16 years old 

I still have a lot to learn about life 

It's all a learning experience 

This is me 

After years of illness 

I am now working 

And have been working for the past two months 

I can feel my confidence growing every day 

I feel valued and appreciated 

Work has been a life saver

This is me 

I have a little crush on someone 

It makes for some very interesting day dreaming ahem..

I don't know if I am imagining it

But I think he might like me too

At least I hope he does 

This is me 

I've made my fair share of mistakes through out my life 

But I am trying to fit all the pieces of my life back together 

I'm not perfect 

But I'm trying to be the best person I can be 

This is me 

I'm not beautiful 

I'll never be a stunner 

But I work with what I've got 

And make the best of it 

This is me 

I'm overly sensitive 

I bruise easily 

I think too much 

And am pretty quiet 

But get to know me 

And you will see I am truly a nerd with a very sarcastic sense of humour 

This is me 

I don't expect everyone to like me 

Or agree with me 

And that's ok 

We won't fall out over it 

We will agree to disagree 

This is me 

Ruby 

A woman 

A person 

A human being 

A collection of cells 

Why am I important?

I'm not really 

But I do matter 

And I deserve a good life 

This is me 

And I'm doing my best...

Thursday

Yesterday was a long day

I went horse riding in the morning 

Which as always was brilliant

We are now concentrating on our technique 

Our position 

Our leg position

It was all a bit confusing if I am honest 

But I am just trying to concentrate on one thing at a time 

And hopefully it will all come together in the end 

Star was in great form yesterday 

And was truly a joy to ride 

Even if he does spend quite a lot of time trying to bite me 

He lives up to his name every week

He is a star

We also did some cantering 

Which is exhilarating 

Every time I do it 

I get butterflies in my tummy 

But then it is just pure enjoyment and fun 

It's a buzz 

The kind I used to get off narcotics 

It's amazing to have found a natural high 

So bloody amazing 

After riding 

We had a quick cuppa 

Before heading off

As i had to work at 4pm

I get a lift to riding with Fintan every week 

He picks me up in town at 10am 

And we head out 

We always stop in the village 

To buy carrots for the horses

And a bit of chocolate for a bit of energy 

Myself and Fintan have become great friends 

And we have discovered that we have an awful in common 

Not just the horse riding 

Fintan is what they call a para rider 

As he has a condition that effects his muscles 

I really enjoy his company every week

And we always have a good laugh 

Sometimes we have serious conversations too

But whatever the topic 

We always enjoy it 

We keep in contact during the week too

In fact I am just off the phone from him

He is about 15 years older than me

So I get to see the benefit of his experience 

Which is great 

Especially where the riding is concerned 

It also has shown me what true friendship looks like 

And Fintan is fast becoming a very good friend 

In fact I have made a few new friends recently 

At work too

And slowly but surely 

I am letting go of people who have thrown me the scraps of friendship 

And expected me to be grateful for the fumes of friendship

I made the mistake of depending on one person 

And when that person inevitably lets me down 

I have nothing 

There is one particular girl 

Who blows hot and cold 

And often lets me down 

Now I can see that I don't have to put up with that shit 

I deserve better 

I am a good friend 

Loyal 

If you are my friend 

Then I look out for you 

I have your back 

I'll be there to laugh with you through the good times 

And let you cry on my shoulder through the tough times 

But treat me badly 

And I don't stick around 

You won't see me for dust

Anyway 

After riding 

I went to my favourite shop 

To stock up on dog food 

Before heading home 

I was home just after 2pm 

And had to work at 4pm

I forced myself to eat something 

As if my brain is not fed properly 

It just won't function

And I generally feel all over the place 

So I had some tea and toast 

Another little issue im having is my Meds 

If I am working 

I usually don't then until I get home

But yesterday for example 

On the way home from riding 

I was yawning non stop 

And my eyes were streaming 

The first symptoms of opiate withdrawal 

So I took my methadone when I got home 

And waited to take my Meds until I got home from work 

But it flags a problem 

In that I do need to sort out the way I take them 

So I guess I will talk to my doctor next week 

So yea 

Life is good 

And my faith in the human race was restored yesterday 

When I was in the super market 

And when my items were scanned. I realised that I didn't have my wallet with me 

In a fluster 

I apologised to the check out guy 

And said that I would have to leave it 

I was walking away 

When someone called me back 

The man behind me in the queue paid for my shopping!

How nice was that?

I thanked him

And was really blown away

It was only a few euros 

But the gesture was huge 

So today 

I did my good deed 

And picked up an old man who was walking in to the village in the pouring rain 

And it felt good to pay it forward 

Apart from that 

All is well 

I'm working

I'm also working on my recovery 

I'm getting out there 

Socialising 

Mixing with people 

I'm getting out of the house 

And out of my own sick head 

I'm doing my best to be a good person 

And every day I ask for help to not hurt myself or anyone else

God knows things were sour for long enough

But that just makes the good times that bit sweeter 

So 

That's me over and out for today 

I will love you and leave you 

And see you on the next post 

I must post some photos too

As I haven't done that in a while

See you soon....

Day off

It's Monday morning 

So that means a day off for me

Which is very much welcome

Given I worked four long shifts over the weekend 

Work was quite busy

With 60 guests staying 

All separate families 

Which makes it that bit more difficult than one big group

As they come for their meals in dribs and drabs

And it's harder to keep track of numbers 

So many kids too

Big families with lots of little ones 

Which meant the food was everywhere 

On the floors 

On the walls 

In cups 

On the chairs 

But mostly they were grand 

Even though we were busy yesterday 

I took the time to play hula hoop with the kids outside 

They also wanted to meet the chef 

As they thought the dinners were lovely 

Then later on they wanted to see them again

While I was cleaning the dining room

They all came in and wanted to help 

So I gave them little jobs to do to keep them busy 

Which was help for me too

Anyway 

I was wrecked when I got home each day 

But it's a lovely natural tiredness

That I feel I've really earned my rest

The dogs have had to adjust to my working 

My sister often brings them for a walk the days I can't 

But their routine is still very much the same 

So I'm not worried about them 

There were a lot of sad stories in work this week 

Families dealing with bereavement 

Illness 

Loss

It's heart breaking 

And we do all we can to make their stay memorable 

It's hard to get time to spend chatting with the guests 

But we do our best 

That's all we can do

Monday morning again 

And doctor day for me 

We chatted about work 

And my meds reduction last week

Which went fine 

I was telling him about my Dad 

As I have an update on his health

You might remember a couple of months ago 

I went with my Dad to Dublin to see a consultant 

As over the last couple of years 

He has been losing the power in his hands and arms 

Tests were done 

And he was told that he had possible motor neuron disease

So last Thursday he travelled to Dublin again to see the top neurologist in the country 

And it was confirmed that he does have MND

We have all been very worried

As the prognosis with this condition is not great 

But in fact 

He received better news than he was expecting 

He was told he has had MND for three years 

But out of four stages 

He is in stage one 

Also it is slow progressing 

And he is on the 30% that has the mildest form

Even though the diagnosis is devastating 

We are in the best possible situation

So that's something to be grateful for 

Apparently it kills younger people quicker 

Dad is nearly 70 

So it won't progress as rapidly 

Anyway 

We will look after him 

He won't go through this alone 

In other news

My statistics have shot up in the last few days 

Getting over a thousand hits every day 

I am wondering why this is 

And if some of my posts have been shared on social media 

Don't get me wrong 

It's great to be reaching so many people 

But it does make me slightly paranoid knowing that so many people are reading 

So I've kind of been holding back and censoring my writing recently 

There are many things going on in my life that I don't feel comfortable sharing 

Just yet 

Including a love interest 

But it's early days 

So I will keep that to myself for now 

And also about the girl at work who seems to have taken an instant dislike to me

But that's a whole other post 

I was wondering if you know why my stats have sky rocketed

Because I sure don't 

I can't quite believe that it's almost August 

And I've been working for two months now 

I will have work in to September 

And my manager told me that if anything full time comes up 

She will keep me in mind 

And that is fantastic 

As working has been a huge turning point for me 

It's doing me the world of good

There was a little bit of a disagreement In work last week 

In that some of the staff weren't pulling their weight 

And our manager had a word with them 

Two in particular had a good talking to

And I think they kind of blamed each other 

I was then worried that I had not been doing my work to a high enough standard 

But my manager assured me that she had no concerns with me 

Which was a relief 

The two girls were working together yesterday 

And you could cut the tension with a knife 

But yes 

I am loving work 

The routine 

The structure 

Being busy 

Meeting people 

The money of course 

It's all good 

And it is amazing to be able to say that 

As regards my ED

It's going ok 

My weight is stable 

My mood is good 

On the days I work I absolutely make myself eat 

As my brain goes to mush if it is not fed and watered properly 

I just can't think straight 

And i go all peculiar 

But I know I need to eat and drink correctly too

Otherwise I just can't function

I was dying to weigh myself in the doctors this morning 

But I resisted 

No good can come of it 

Right 

That's all the news for the day 

Another working week over 

I feel such a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction 

As well as independence 

I have my own money 

And can with it what I wish

So that is me over and out for today 

Happy Monday 

And see you on the next post.....

Discharged....

You know the way a girl might have a fat day

Well I am having a fat week

Every time I look in the mirror 

I see my moon like face 

Big boobs 

A tummy 

And I generally feel the size of a baby elephant 

It's not fun 

And it has made me very curious as to what my weight is 

I contemplated buying a scales today 

But what would that do?

Other than wreck my head 

I mean my clothes still fit 

They don't feel any tighter 

But still 

I feel huge 

And I hate feeling this way

I could go on a diet 

But we all know how quickly a diet can turn in to a spectacular relapse 

Been there 

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

I saw Mary this morning 

We had a nice chat 

I hadn't seen her in a few weeks 

So I filled her in about all that has happened 

She asked me about purging 

I was honest 

I told her that the days I am working 

I don't purge at all

But on my days off 

I find it much tougher 

And more often than not will purge after my meals 

Eating in work is great 

As I sit down with the others at the table 

And I don't even think about purging as I am so busy

So I guess I need to implement the same tools at home 

Mary then told me that she is going to formally discharge me 

That we have come to the end of therapy 

I thanked her for all her help and support over the last few years 

She said that she loves her job 

Because she gets to see people go from the depths of despair 

To the high of getting well

Mary has been instrumental in my recovery 

She is now a big part of my story 

When I was leaving 

She gave me a big hug 

And told me to ring her if I ever need to 

And with that 

I wAlked out of the therapy office 

And in to the rest of my life 

In other news 

I was very bold yesterday 

And overtook my meds 

I haven't done this in a long time 

I'm not even sure why I did it 

But now I deeply regret it 

As I worried my family 

And I just know I shouldn't do that 

But look

I will take the learning out of it 

And move on 

I could spend the whole day beating myself up 

But what would that do?

Nothing I suspect 

It was a mistake 

You live and learn 

I'm working the whole weekend starting tomorrow 

It's going to be a long few days 

And I'm going to be on my own at home for a few days 

By its all worth it when I get a pay cheque at the end of the week

Ok 

I'm off for a cuppa 

See you in the next post....

Happiness is.....

.....when your neighbour whose known you for the past 12 years 

Tells you that you have bloomed and blossomed since starting work

First 

I must apologise 

For my lack of posts 

My lack of comments 

Even my reading your blogs 

Blogger used to be my whole world 

I immersed myself in to the ED community 

As I had no real life to speak of 

I turned to blogger 

And the people here 

For social  interaction

For support 

Advice 

And friendship 

My ED was all consuming 

I can remember so clearly 

All I did every day 

Was either binge and purge like a maniac

It not eat at all 

As recently as Christmas 

My life was a shit show

I was a mess 

A hot vomit stinking bony mess

Thankfully 

I am beyond that now 

It is all a memory 

Instead of being my reality 

Life then took off like a rocket 

As the pieces of my life began to slit in to place 

The rest as they say 

Is history 

But yes 

I was over with my neighbour today 

She asked about work 

And said I had bloomed and blossomed since starting 

She said that even the way I carry myself is different 

This was so lovely to hear 

As I guess I don't always see the changes in myself 

I do know that I feel more confident 

More sure of myself 

I suppose that comes from my job dealing with people all day every day

Your self esteem can't help but grow 

This week in work 

We were talking about what we will do for our end of season staff party 

There have been lots of suggestions 

But our ages range from 19-60

So it's hard to think of something that will suit everyone 

If you have any suggestions 

They would be greatly appreciated

In other news 

My methadone was reduced today 

So I am now on 22mls 

It's both thrilling and terrifying 

My doctor has been trying to reduce it for the past few weeks 

And I have been putting up resistance 

But today 

I was all out of excuses

And had to bite the bullet 

It's only a 2ml drop

And I know I won't even miss it 

But still 

It's hard 

It's scary 

I don't like it 

Although to be honest 

Some days I completely forget to tAke my meds 

As my mind is on work 

When I come home from work 

I am so tired 

And fall asleep meds or no meds

So 

All in all 

Things are good 

Life is good 

I feel good 

I have no earthly clue what I weigh 

And quite frankly my dear 

I don't give a damn

Ten bonus points if you can tell me which film that quote is from....

Also 

I wanted to thank you 

My readers 

My friends 

My blogger family 

For sticking by me on this roller coaster of a ride we call life 

Every step of the last four years has been documented here 

From the depths of despair 

To the highs of finally finding recovery 

Things are going well for me now 

And I can only hope that my story gives you hope

That you too can get well

Can recover 

And can have a life after ED and addiction

Because it is possible 

It is a reality for me and many others 

In saying that 

I have been in that place 

Where recovery seems nigh on impossible

Like something that happens to other people 

I've been crippled by my illness

But I promise you 

If you can just take they first difficult but crucial step

You will see the benefits immediately 

And you will want more 

Because now 

I can honestly say 

That I want to live 

I want to be alive in this world 

As uncertain and scary as it is right now 

I still want to be here 

Death has never scared me

Life always scared me more 

And it still is scary 

But I feel like I am in a place where I can tackle it 

So please 

If you do one thing today 

After reading this 

Give yourself a break

Put down the whip 

And do something nice for yourself 

God knows we are so hard on ourselves 

We would never treat others the way we treat ourselves 

Because you matter 

You are special 

There is no other you 

And the world needs you 

Even if you think you are insignificant 

You're not 

You are wanted and needed

I promise you that 

So let's do it girls 

Let's stop bullying ourselves 

Putting ourselves down 

Berating ourselves 

We are intelligent 

Caring 

Kind 

And smart people 

We matter to those around us

Never forget that....