I happened to check my blog statistics this morning
Just out of couriosity
And I was very surprised to see that this humble little blog of mine had a total of 1,116 hits yesterday
Now
I'm not entirely sure what my daily average is
As I don't check my statistics too often
But this number struck me as pretty high
Especially given how quiet blogger has been lately
And how erratic my posting has been
Don't get me wrong
I'm not complaining
I'm just wondering if this number is correct
I'm also wondering about you and your blog
Do you check your statistics regularly?
What is your average daily reading?
I'm interested to see how many people are in fact reading our blogs
So yes
If you would check your statistics and get back to me
I would really appreciate it
Thanks in advance!
Proper update to follow in the next couple of days ...
Pages
Thursday 15 December 2016
Saturday 10 December 2016
A is for anxiety...
For the last few weeks
I've been struggling with crippling anxiety
It's effecting everything
My sleep
My mood
My eating
My energy levels
Pretty much everything
Mornings are my worst time of the day
I wake up
Start to get ready for school
Then I start thinking
And get in to an argument with myself
About whether to go in or not
I feel a sense of dread
Of impending doom
Then I get diarrhoea
And I begin to panic
This week
I only went in two days
The other days I stayed home
I was annoyed with myself for not going in
And am generally being very hard on myself
I've spoken to my doctor
And the only suggestion he made was to get up earlier
???
He just doesn't get it
He treats the medical issue
I guess I need to be talking to someone who understands
Yesterday
Out of sheer desperation
I put a call out on Facebook
To ask people for ideas, suggestions
Anything that might help me get through the day
I had a huge response
And was blown away by how many people reached out
A few people who I used to use drugs with contacted me
They had also experienced addiction and mental health issues
It just goes to show
The fallout from drug abuse years later
If I knew then what I know now
Life would surely look very differently
But hey
It is what it is
So
I had to make a decision
Either continue my course and keep trying
Or cut my losses
And walk away from it
Usually now is when I quit
When things become tough
But the stubbornness inside me is stopping me
It would be easier if I didn't love my course so much
At least then it would a no brainer
And easier to give up
But because I love it so much
I want to figure out a way of dealing with this
One way or another
And look
I've come through tougher stuff than this
I am truly blessed though
To have an amazingly strong family around
And brilliant friends
Who continue to have my back.
So no
I'm not giving up
Not just yet
My tutor rang me yesterday
To see how things were
She told me that one of the girls has been exited from the course
I guess that is a polite way of saying her ass was kicked off the course
Because she has missed so much time
I then panicked that the same would happen to me
But my tutor assured me that because I had kept in close contact with staff
This other girl wasn't answering her phone
So I got a doctors cert for this week
And I will start again afresh this Monday
Day by day
Step by step
That's the way I'm going to do it
No pressure
No stress
Done is better than perfect
This month
I celebrate one year in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia
This time last year I made the decision to cyhoose life
Rather than death
Because that's what living with an ED is like
It's a slow and tedious death
As you literally starve yourself to death
I am one of the lucky ones
I made it out relatively unscathed
I made it out alive!
Not everyone does
This month last year I final had enough
And started on this journey that we call recovery
But it didn't have to be the new year
That's just the way it happened for me
Really and truly
You can start your recovery at any time
And day
Any month
As long as you choose it at some point
Ok friends
I'm going to leave it at that for today
I posted my Christmas cards today
So you should get them soon
Take care
And look after each other
See you on the next post...
Friday 2 December 2016
Hanging on
I'm here
I'm still here
Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently
As it's quick and easy
And when I have zero energy after a day in school
I don't feel like writing a whole big spiel
So
When I last left you
I had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxiety
I really was struggling
And I took about four days off
I went back this week
Although I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditions
But it's great to be back
I missed my course
My school friends
The horses
Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks
In the morning I was on Blue
My little white friend
We are pretty good buddies by this stage
I spend time grooming him
Tacking him up
He has a bad habit
Which is called wind sucking
Which means he bites on to his feeding trough
Arches his neck
And sucks in the air
Apparently
It releases a rush of endorphins
And the horse gets addicted to it
I was telling my Mam about this yesterday
And she said
'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'
Oh how we laughed
It is funny though
I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking
But he is one determined boy
It's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy
He's also very small
And his trot is so neat
If very slow
And his canter
Well when I can get him to canter
It's just adorable
He's like a little toy horse
Yes
I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue
In the lesson
Blue was just not feeling it
He was barely conscious
Never mind awake
And he just flat refused to canter for me
But anyway
I love him all the same
In the afternoon
I was on Bambi
Who is just a joy
And beautiful to boot
Feistier than Blue
She is pretty from head to tail
And boy does she know it
She is a lot more responsive
So where as with Blue
I've to give him a good kick to get going
With Bambi
She just needs a squeeze
And a tap of the stick to canter
Yesterday
In our individual exercise
We had to canter twice around the arena
Which meant passing out the rest of the ride
Blue was so funny
When he had done one circuit
He just slotted in behind Nikon
And in front of Jigsaw
So nearly and perfectly
I got Bambi to do it though
Eventually
I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over
I spoke to my tutor
I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks
And I also have been seeing my school counsellor
As well as help from my family and friends
I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life
And it just makes life that bit easier
Anxiety really is a silent assassin
To the outsider
It's not detectable
But in my head
There is a whirlwind going on
Thoughts and more thoughts
Thinking and over thinking
It's relentless negativity
For me
It leads to rash and impulsive actions
Doing things without thinking them through
It also goes hand in hand with insecurity
Low confidence
Low self esteem
And perfectionism
The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person
And just not good enough
One of my tutors has been great
She is our horsemanship tutor
So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday
And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days
She gave me a ring on Tuesday
To see how I was doing
I was feeling pretty low
And she told me some things that really helped
She said my horse riding was one of the best in the group
And that I am really liked within the group
That I am a positive influence
I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this
I always felt like the dunce in horse riding
That I did everything wrong
I also thought people didn't like me at all
So to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring
I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation
That I don't trust my own judgement as far as how I'm doing
I'm sure that's ok
But I need to be able to assure myself
Without getting it from others
I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence
And I will start to see myself in a more positive light
I mean I'm doing my best
I really am
Learning does not come easy to me
And I really need to work on it
Especially around the theory
I have an IT exam coming up too
I had the choice to take it before Christmas or after
I'm think I'm going to take it after
Just to give myself that extra bit of time
I've also started studying in the evenings
Just to go over stuff
And get it in to my head
I'm feeling a lot better now
And am optimistic about continuing my course
I love it
I am in my element learning about horses
I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horse
That would be in my wildest dreams
I'm think it's possible
It could happen
And this course is perfect for learning all I need to know
I must say
The course is fantastic
The tutors
The way it's run
The course content
It's very comprehensive
And gives a great foundation for learning about horses
I love it so much
In other news
Christmas is fast approaching
I usually love it
But this year in just not feeling it
So far anyway
It's supposed to be the best time of year
But of course it doesn't always happen that way
It can often be a really stressful time
I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addiction
People drinking too much
Fights
Family rows
Bust ups and breakdowns
Absolute disasters
Thankfully
Our house is an alcohol free zone
Anyone who comes here knows the score
I really don't miss drinking
I don't miss it at all
Especially the hAngovers
When I drank at my staff party in the summer
It took me days to recover
The come down was horrific
The fear
The shame about what you did and said the night before
The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time
No
I enjoy my sobriety far more than that
It is precious
Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have
A lovely comfortable house to live in
A dry clean bed to sleep in
Clothes on my back
Food in my fridge
A loving and strong family around me
Two beautiful dogs at my feet
Who I love beyond words
Friends that I cherish
A course that I love
And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before
What is important has changed radically for me this year
This time last year I was relapsing
Losing weight
Not to mention my mind
Controlling my weight was my priority
I thought about it morning til night
Now I rarely think about it
I don't weigh myself
I have no idea what I weigh
Android I don't want to know
My clothes fit
I feel strong and healthy
My hair and nails and skin are in good condition
And even if I did gain a little weight
It's not the end of the world
In the scheme of things
It's not really important
I don't know what the turning point for me was
I guess it was a couple of things
Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
Just having enough
Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable
The fact that my body and mind could take no more
Then I started horse riding
And that helped me more than I can ever describe
For me
It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left
With something positive
And horse riding is that something positive
Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March
I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey
I just can't get enough of it
I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'ĂȘtre
A reason to get up in the morning
A purpose
Something that warms your heart
Your spirit
Your soul
It's amazing to be able to say it
But I feel happy
For the first time in my life
I actually feel happy
I hope my story will give others hope
I got through six years of drug addiction
And 15 years of disordered eating
With all sorts of other little addictions along the way
There is life after these issues
I am walking talking proof of that
So whatever you do
Never give up hope
As long as we are breathing
There is hope
Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...
Wednesday 23 November 2016
Time off
As I type this
I am sitting in the bus station
Waiting for the bus home
I went in to school this morning
Just to give the bridal back that I was practising on
I've decided to take a few days off
As I am starting to struggle
Anxiety is getting the better of me
And I'm struggling to get out the door n the morning
I guess I haven't been looking after myself too well
I haven't been eating properly
Or taking my meds correctly
And I'm generally feeling run down and tired
Of course I turned to the one place I know I can go to write and get some much needed advice
I feel like I have neglected this blog
And you my friends
I'm sorry for that
I've just been so busy trying to get through the week
That at the end of the day I have zero energy left
I have been using Facebook recently
It's been fallout of the month
And I've been very open there
Maybe too open
So I'm going to give it a rest for a while
And just concentrate on getting well
I really don't want to give up my course
But at the same time
I need to take care of myself and my mental health
So I missed yesterday
And this morning was pretty horrible trying psych myself up to go in
I drive myself in to the bus
And waited at the bus stop
I was having a fight with myself whether to go in or not
But I had the bridal to return
So I got on the bus
I walked over to school
And met my class mates
They were lovely
And gave me big hugs
I then spoke to my tutor
And she said it was fine to take some time off
She also said she would make an appointment with the school counsellor for me
I also contacted Mary
And have an appointment with her next week
I will also see my doctor
And my psychiatrist
I really want to build myself up over the next few days
And get my strength back
So I can be fighting fit when I return next week
I just need some me time
I threw myself in to this course at full speed
Now it's starting to catch up on me
And I am flagging
So
Over the next few days
I'm going to rest
Relax
Recouperate
Lots of Honey and Lea time
I also have some work to do at home so I will try to keep up with everyone else
Of course now I am wondering if I did the right thing taking time off
And I feel like did I do the right thing?
But I have to trust my gut
And go with that
I'm just a bit worried about falling behind
And missing out
But look
I have made the decision now
So I just have to go with it
And trust that I know me best
And know when I need to slow down
And cool the jets
I'm also hoping to catch up on you blogs
And get up to date with what's happening with y'all
And as for me?
I guess I need to sort a few things out
Especially how open I am about my issues
As after writing about them on FB
I felt really exposed and vulnerable
I asked people what they thought about writing such things on such an open forum
I got a mixed response
Some said it was a brave thing to do
Some said it could put me in a very vulnerable position
I am undecided
But I will give it a rest for a few days
Just to breathe
And to sort my head out
That's me
I'm not perfect
I never professed to be
I am flawed
I have a mind that works faster than I can process the information
I have a wild imagination
Some might call that paranoia
I've been known to read too much in to things
And over think until my brain hurts
Edit: I am now back home
I've been here an hour
And already I'm bored silly
Now I'm regretting saying I'll take some time off
And am thinking about going in to tomorrow and Friday
And taking Monday and Tuesday of for appointments
If I seem a bit all over the place
It's because I am
I'm restless
Uneasy
Anxious
Where ever I am
I want to be somewhere else
I don't know
I guess I will play it by ear
Watch this space
I will keep you updated....
Sunday 20 November 2016
Saturday 19 November 2016
Bumpy week
Yes
This week has been bumpy to say the least
I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea
I went in Wednesday
And yesterday
But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom
So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing
So instead
I groomed
And helped out in the yard
Today I am off again
As I have a doctors appointment
So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this
Ha! Pardon the pun!
But seriously
I do need to get this under control
I've had diarrhoea since I started the course
Which is five weeks now
I was managing it
But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything
In case I need the loo
As I said in my last post
I really think it's anxiety
I was talking with my sisters partner last night
And she was asking why I am anxious
After some thought
I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough
That I am stupid
And am not able for this course
I worry about everything
About falling behind
Being asked questions and not knowing the answers
About how I'm doing socially
Wondering what my weights doing
Struggling to eat at breaks
So really and truly there is a lot going on
It's no wonder my body is taking a hit
And the thing is
It's a catch 22 situation
If I go in to my course
I feel anxious and have diarrhoea
If I don't go in
I don't feel anxious
And I don't have it
So when I do stay at home
I feel I should have gone in
But if I go in
I wish I stayed at home
What to do ....
I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do
But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill
I was wondering if any of you have experience this
And how did you deal with it?
It's starting to get me down
And I know the more time I miss
The more I fall behind
And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things
Anyway
I digress
In other news
Mam is away for two weeks
So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order
The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much
But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that
My Dad is staying with us for a while
He has improved a bit
Which is great
Food wise I'm doing ok
Struggling a bit to eat in school
But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings
I'm not entirely sure
But I don't think I've lost weight
If I have it's not much
Mood is good
I feel positive
Despite the issues I'm having
But I'm optimistic that there is a solution
So if you have any suggestions
I'd love to read them.....
Tuesday 15 November 2016
Sick
I'm off school today
And was off yesterday too
Since I started my course four weeks ago
I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings
At first I put it down to my change in routine
And adjusting to my course
But recently
It's been getting worse
I get like clockwork every morning
But not for the rest of the day
On Sunday night
I woke up and threw up a few times
So just to be sure
I took yesterday off
I got up this morning
Planning to go in
But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession
So I made an executive decision
And decided to stay at home
I did speak to my doctor last week
And he said to keep an eye on it
And notice when I am getting it
And when I don't
Over the weekend
I didn't have any diarrhoea at all
But come Monday morning
It came back
I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety
I don't actually feel stressed
But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface
Starting this course was a huge step
And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation
But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled
Of course
In saying that
I am still adjusting
And finding my feet
But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions
I rang my doctor today
And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen
She said I could go in only if it was an emergency
I told her I needed a cert for school
But she said that wasn't an emergency
Nice
So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert
It's nice to have a couple of days off
But I would much rather be in school
As I don't want to miss out
Because I am struggling to keep up as it is
Apart from that
I am doing welll
I feel good
I feel healthy and strong
Not weak or delicate like I used to
I'm loving my course
Two new girls started this week
But I haven't met them yet
Which is more anxiety meeting new people
The girls on my course have been just lovely
Texting me to check on me
And just being good friends
I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless
Because I know the longer I leave it
The harder it will be to get back in to a routine
Anyway
Just a quick post today
Thanks for reading
And see you on the next post....
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