More signs?
I came home from walking my dogs yesterday morning and switched on the t.v to see that Dr Phil was on
I don't usually watch Dr Phil as I find him patronising but guess what he was talking about?
Yes you've guessed it, eating disorders
I missed the first half and caught up just when he brought on Tracey Gold
Most of you will remember Tracey Gold as the American actress who suffered from anorexia
She recently brought out a reality show called 'Starving Secrets' about girls suffering from eating disorders
I haven't seen this show and I've heard good and bad reports about it, mostly bad
She spoke about her illness and showed the obligatory emaciated photos
Then they showed a clip from a previous guest who had been on a year previously
It showed her looking at a picture of her skeletal frame and describing how fat she was
A year later she was back and what a difference, she was the picture of health with a beaming smile
The were all there to help a girl called Mercedes
I missed most of her story but she had anorexia and was terrified she was going to die
They offered her a place in inpatient treatment and she gratefully accepted
I don't always like to watch shows like this as I inevitably end up comparing myself to these girls and deciding that I'm not as as sick as them therefore I'm not sick
They can often serve as a trigger for me although sometimes I watch them for this exact reason
My mother was sitting at the table and we both watched the show in silence
Towards the end I could hear her quietly sobbing
I couldn't look at her and I pretended I didn't notice
I was afraid if I looked at her that I would also break down
I envied the girls on the show who had managed to recover but as sick as it sounds I also envied the girls who were sick
Why I don't know because in reality I am where they are and I am utterly miserable
After being in great form since stopping my meds 2 weeks ago, my mood has been steadily declining the last few days
When I wake up in the morning I dread the day ahead and I know this is a bad sign when I'm depressed before I even get out of bed
I can't stand the thought of another day obsessing about food, worrying about my weight
The daily battle of will I or won't I eat
I still haven't purged but that is of little consolation to me right now
My peace of mind is non existent and thoughts of food never leave my mind
I am already stressing about next Thursdays weigh in
I have to admit that in an effort to end this misery, suicide as crossed my mind
I don't intend to act on these thoughts but I can't see any other way out right now
My mother is going away on Monday for a week and I am looking forward to the solitude
Another sign I am slipping
I think of my meds that have been building up for the last 2 weeks that are in my mothers room
How easy it would be to sneak in there and take them all
They probably wouldn't kill me but I would probably sleep for a while
I'm not going to act on this but the thoughts are comforting in a strange way
I remember when I was trying to get clean from drugs I made a deal with myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if it didn't work out I would kill myself
In a very sick way this helped me get through knowing I could end it all if I needed to
Thankfully recovery worked out
So maybe that's what I should do now, give recovery a shot
Trust Mary and trust my body
It really is a choice between life and death
I'm retaining water and it's driving me crazy
I know it's from those sodium packed cup a soups
They have to go
Maybe I have to go too
Maybe I am broken beyond repair
Only fit for the rubbish heap
I pray for a way out of this
I can't stand it a minute longer
I can't stand being inside my own head
I can't stand being in my own body
The self hatred and disgust I feel is overwhelming
I look forward to the nights and the sweet release of sleep
It's the only relief I get
I wish this would end
I wish I had the strength to get better
I wish I could eat and be ok with it
I wish...........
Saturday 7 July 2012
Thursday 5 July 2012
Signs?
I saw my ex-sponsor in the supermarket this morning
I almost gave myself whiplash trying to turn and speed walk in the opposite direction
Silly really as she is a lovely woman but I just couldn't bear to answer the question 'how are you?'
I couldn't trust myself not to break down and cry
I haven't seen her in over a year so it is strange that I ran into her today
When I was attending meetings I used to ring her every evening and call to her house once or twice a week. She was bringing through the 12 steps and I had just completed my fifth step when my eating disorder became impossible to ignore
I had support for drink and drugs but I didn't have support for food so I couldn't pretend it wasn't there anymore
She also sponsors my sister
Then when I was driving home Ivana Lynch was being interviewed on the radio
She is an Irish actress (although she seems to have acquired an American accent) who was in the Harry Potter films
She spoke about how she suffered from anorexia when she was a young teenager
She has made a full recovery
The interviewer asked her how she stays well and she explained that she found other interests, things that she was passionate about
Mary is always trying to get me to pursue other interests
I can understand why
If I have other things in my life, things that bring me joy and happiness, I will be less likely to look for happiness through my eating disorder
There will be less space in my head for food and weight loss
At the moment I have nothing else apart from my dogs
My eating disorder is like a 24 hour job with no days off
I work all week ie restrict and exercise and expect a big fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss
Dancing used be my passion but fear stops me from doing it again
So were these two incidences today coincidences?
Or were they signs trying to point me in the right direction?
I suppose I am looking for signs to tell me what to do because I really don't know which way is up at the moment
I remember last year when I got the call that I had a place in treatment
I was staying with my brother and I was surprised the call had come so soon so I asked for some time to think about it
Again, I wasn't sure what to do so I went for a walk to clear my head
I remember asking I don't know who, God, the universe for a sign as to what I should do
I didn't know the area so I was just walking and walking
I came across a restaurant with a sign in the window saying 'Don't starve' in flashing red lights
Ok that's definitely a sign
But I didn't pay too much attention and kept walking
Then I came across a doctors surgery and the name of the doctor on the sign was the same name as the psychiatrist in the treatment centre I was thinking of going to
Another coincidence?
I'm not religious or superstitious but these coincidences definitely make me stop and think
They are comforting in a way
I still very confused today
My body seems to be starting to recover but my mind is still so very sick
Technically I'm still underweight but I don't feel it
I'm suppose to be doing homework for Mary, planning all my meals, eating 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping a food log
So far all I've done is keep the food log
Why plan meals when I'm not going to eat them?
My urge to restrict is strong even though I know it could lead to a binge
What's a messed up girl to do?
Do you believe in signs?
What has your experience been?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading and as always much love x
I almost gave myself whiplash trying to turn and speed walk in the opposite direction
Silly really as she is a lovely woman but I just couldn't bear to answer the question 'how are you?'
I couldn't trust myself not to break down and cry
I haven't seen her in over a year so it is strange that I ran into her today
When I was attending meetings I used to ring her every evening and call to her house once or twice a week. She was bringing through the 12 steps and I had just completed my fifth step when my eating disorder became impossible to ignore
I had support for drink and drugs but I didn't have support for food so I couldn't pretend it wasn't there anymore
She also sponsors my sister
Then when I was driving home Ivana Lynch was being interviewed on the radio
She is an Irish actress (although she seems to have acquired an American accent) who was in the Harry Potter films
She spoke about how she suffered from anorexia when she was a young teenager
She has made a full recovery
The interviewer asked her how she stays well and she explained that she found other interests, things that she was passionate about
Mary is always trying to get me to pursue other interests
I can understand why
If I have other things in my life, things that bring me joy and happiness, I will be less likely to look for happiness through my eating disorder
There will be less space in my head for food and weight loss
At the moment I have nothing else apart from my dogs
My eating disorder is like a 24 hour job with no days off
I work all week ie restrict and exercise and expect a big fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss
Dancing used be my passion but fear stops me from doing it again
So were these two incidences today coincidences?
Or were they signs trying to point me in the right direction?
I suppose I am looking for signs to tell me what to do because I really don't know which way is up at the moment
I remember last year when I got the call that I had a place in treatment
I was staying with my brother and I was surprised the call had come so soon so I asked for some time to think about it
Again, I wasn't sure what to do so I went for a walk to clear my head
I remember asking I don't know who, God, the universe for a sign as to what I should do
I didn't know the area so I was just walking and walking
I came across a restaurant with a sign in the window saying 'Don't starve' in flashing red lights
Ok that's definitely a sign
But I didn't pay too much attention and kept walking
Then I came across a doctors surgery and the name of the doctor on the sign was the same name as the psychiatrist in the treatment centre I was thinking of going to
Another coincidence?
I'm not religious or superstitious but these coincidences definitely make me stop and think
They are comforting in a way
I still very confused today
My body seems to be starting to recover but my mind is still so very sick
Technically I'm still underweight but I don't feel it
I'm suppose to be doing homework for Mary, planning all my meals, eating 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping a food log
So far all I've done is keep the food log
Why plan meals when I'm not going to eat them?
My urge to restrict is strong even though I know it could lead to a binge
What's a messed up girl to do?
Do you believe in signs?
What has your experience been?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading and as always much love x
Wednesday 4 July 2012
A therapy session of two halves
I'm just back from seeing Mary
I had a mini panic attack last night thinking about the dreaded weigh in today
The session started out good, I was excited to tell her that I hadn't binged or purged in a week and was
also shoplifting free for two weeks
Also that I'm off the olanzapine two weeks and my mood and energy had improved
It was great to acknowledge the positive changes
I expressed my anxiety about the weigh in
Technically I should have lost weight as my intake was quite poor this week but I had a funny feeling that I had gained
I stood on the scale but couldn't look at the numbers
Mary then said we should discuss it an then told me my weight was exactly the same
I have to admit I was bitterly disappointed and also terrified
We had just been speaking about how my next steps should be to up my intake to 3 meals and 2 snacks a day
I was willing to try but now I am so afraid that if I increase my intake my weight will shoot up
My mood plummeted after the weigh in and I could barely hold it together
I hate the power those numbers have over me
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression and if it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
I hate that those numbers dictate my mood, my self worth and my self esteem
You would think that over time that the weigh ins would get easier but if anything they get harder to deal with
The weigh in was supposed to be the end of the session but seeing the state I was in Mary sat and spoke with me for another half an hour
She tried to make me see that the number on a scale does not define me
It doesn't change the person I am
It doesn't make me fat or worthless
It doesn't undo all the positive changes that I've made
I know all of this but it doesn't change the way I feel
Immediately I was plotting in my head to restrict my intake even further
Mary pointed out that restricting doesn't always mean you lose weight and that it can lead to binging
She said that the only way to maintain or even lose weight is regular eating
I want to believe this but I'm not quite there yet
I feel like my body is starting to recover but my mind is way, way behind
It's a strange wishy, washy, no mans land, limbo like place
My eating disorder is a safe place
No feelings, no responsibilities, no risk of failure, no engaging in life
Stepping outside of that is unknown territory and it's scary
With drug and addiction and eating disorders I've been numb for 12 years
All these feeling I'm feeling are new and I don't know what to do with myself or how to handle them
It's on days like this that I would have abused my meds
Knocked myself out for the day so I wouldn't have to deal with anything
The sweet oblivion of sleep
But I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way
I went to meet my mother and sister after the session but I was like a spitting devil
My disappointment had now to turned to anger
I couldn't verbalize my feelings so I said nothing
My mother asked me was I disappointed with my weight but I couldn't answer her
So now I am at yet another crossroads
I can do the right thing and trust Mary and my body and increase my intake
Or I can turn to anorexia and restrict even further
I want to be able to say I'll do the former but the truth is I just don't know
I just don't know anymore
Anorexia is the easy option but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it
It would be easier to numb my pain and stay where I'm comfortable
As Fiona pointed outed to me once, it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery
It's a choice between life and death
I want to want to live
I want to want to recover
My ex-sponsor used to say to me that if I don't know what to do I should do the opposite of what I think I should do
If I think I should use, don't use
If I think I should skip a meeting, go to a meeting
If I think I shouldn't eat, eat
It was a simple but effective tool
So I think I'm going to try that and see how I get on
If anyone is or has been at this stage of their eating disorder/recovery I would love to know if you have any advice
How did you move forward
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading x
I had a mini panic attack last night thinking about the dreaded weigh in today
The session started out good, I was excited to tell her that I hadn't binged or purged in a week and was
also shoplifting free for two weeks
Also that I'm off the olanzapine two weeks and my mood and energy had improved
It was great to acknowledge the positive changes
I expressed my anxiety about the weigh in
Technically I should have lost weight as my intake was quite poor this week but I had a funny feeling that I had gained
I stood on the scale but couldn't look at the numbers
Mary then said we should discuss it an then told me my weight was exactly the same
I have to admit I was bitterly disappointed and also terrified
We had just been speaking about how my next steps should be to up my intake to 3 meals and 2 snacks a day
I was willing to try but now I am so afraid that if I increase my intake my weight will shoot up
My mood plummeted after the weigh in and I could barely hold it together
I hate the power those numbers have over me
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression and if it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
I hate that those numbers dictate my mood, my self worth and my self esteem
You would think that over time that the weigh ins would get easier but if anything they get harder to deal with
The weigh in was supposed to be the end of the session but seeing the state I was in Mary sat and spoke with me for another half an hour
She tried to make me see that the number on a scale does not define me
It doesn't change the person I am
It doesn't make me fat or worthless
It doesn't undo all the positive changes that I've made
I know all of this but it doesn't change the way I feel
Immediately I was plotting in my head to restrict my intake even further
Mary pointed out that restricting doesn't always mean you lose weight and that it can lead to binging
She said that the only way to maintain or even lose weight is regular eating
I want to believe this but I'm not quite there yet
I feel like my body is starting to recover but my mind is way, way behind
It's a strange wishy, washy, no mans land, limbo like place
My eating disorder is a safe place
No feelings, no responsibilities, no risk of failure, no engaging in life
Stepping outside of that is unknown territory and it's scary
With drug and addiction and eating disorders I've been numb for 12 years
All these feeling I'm feeling are new and I don't know what to do with myself or how to handle them
It's on days like this that I would have abused my meds
Knocked myself out for the day so I wouldn't have to deal with anything
The sweet oblivion of sleep
But I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way
I went to meet my mother and sister after the session but I was like a spitting devil
My disappointment had now to turned to anger
I couldn't verbalize my feelings so I said nothing
My mother asked me was I disappointed with my weight but I couldn't answer her
So now I am at yet another crossroads
I can do the right thing and trust Mary and my body and increase my intake
Or I can turn to anorexia and restrict even further
I want to be able to say I'll do the former but the truth is I just don't know
I just don't know anymore
Anorexia is the easy option but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it
It would be easier to numb my pain and stay where I'm comfortable
As Fiona pointed outed to me once, it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery
It's a choice between life and death
I want to want to live
I want to want to recover
My ex-sponsor used to say to me that if I don't know what to do I should do the opposite of what I think I should do
If I think I should use, don't use
If I think I should skip a meeting, go to a meeting
If I think I shouldn't eat, eat
It was a simple but effective tool
So I think I'm going to try that and see how I get on
If anyone is or has been at this stage of their eating disorder/recovery I would love to know if you have any advice
How did you move forward
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading x
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Next Please
I haven't binged or purged since last Wednesday
Haven't even had an urge to binge or purge
I haven't gone this long in I don't know how long
It feels good
My intake is still poor
I think all the sodium in the soup is making me retain water so I've cut it down to 1-2 per day
I've also added in carrots and today I'm adding in parsnips
This cements my feeling that the olanzapine was contributing to my out of control appetite
I still can't quite believe I took it for so long without asking any questions or researching it properly
I guess because I was abusing it I didn't care
Olanzapine may work for some people but for me it most certainly didn't
My mood is still good and I have more energy but I've had some horrible physical symptoms in the last few days
Last Friday I developed a severe migraine so bad that I could only lie in bed in a dark room and pray for relief
Yesterday morning I woke up to go to my doctors appointment at 9 and I felt all blocked up
It felt like there was something akin to the weight a bowling ball in my bowel but it was refusing to move. I missed my appointment because I was in such agony.
I finally dragged myself to the doctors surgery as I had to collect my methadone prescription
I sat side ways in the waiting room as I couldn't put pressure on the area
I watched the doctor call people in before me, 1,2,3,4,5
I was losing the will to live when I was finally called in
It wasn't my usual male doctor and I was glad to speak to a female doctor
She asked me if I wanted her to examine my 'back passage'
I have trouble exposing my arms and legs never mind my 'back passage'
I politely declined
She prescribed laxatives, suppositories and said to come back if that didn't work and she would give me an enema
Suppositories reminded me of the scene in 'Trainspotting' when the Ewan Mc Gregor character used them and loses control of his bowels and ends up in a disgusting toilet
In the end the laxatives sufficed
I know methadone can contribute to constipation but I'm wondering if my sudden change in diet may be causing these physical symptoms
Answers on a postcard please
I know my diet is very limited at the moment but I'm just not hungry
I'm not craving sugar and carbohydrates like I used to crave heroin
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I will tell her and try not to play it down
I'll be interested to see what my weight is
I feel fat but then what's new
In the doctors waiting room I ran into a friend who told me that another friend is going to treatment today. She is bulimic but had been purge free for years
She relapsed recently
I haven't seen this girl in a long time but we used to be close
I was surprised to hear this as she was always so strong and was always helping others
She used Overeaters Anonymous to get well and followed a strict eating plan, weighing and measuring all her food
I wasn't sure what to do so I sent her a text, I haven't heard back but I'm sure she's got a lot on her mind
It also scared me to hear this, that someone so stable could relapse
I guess it can happen to anyone
In meetings we are told never to get complacent about recovery, never to take it for granted
They say relapse happens long before you pick up a drink or drug or purge
It sneaks up on you then smacks you in the face
It is cunning, powerful and baffling
It also made me think of myself
Has relapse been sneaking up on me?
Am I now in anorexia relapse?
I hope this girl will be alright
I hope I'll be alright
It's sad that we were both going through this but didn't know about the other
So many people are suffering in silence with this illness
Silenced by shame and guilt and fear
Anorexia can be plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know unless you told them
And how many actually do tell someone?
I was wondering about you
Have you ever experienced relapse, be it drink, drugs, anorexia, bulimia or anything else
How did you deal with it?
Thanks for reading this and as always much love x
Haven't even had an urge to binge or purge
I haven't gone this long in I don't know how long
It feels good
My intake is still poor
I think all the sodium in the soup is making me retain water so I've cut it down to 1-2 per day
I've also added in carrots and today I'm adding in parsnips
This cements my feeling that the olanzapine was contributing to my out of control appetite
I still can't quite believe I took it for so long without asking any questions or researching it properly
I guess because I was abusing it I didn't care
Olanzapine may work for some people but for me it most certainly didn't
My mood is still good and I have more energy but I've had some horrible physical symptoms in the last few days
Last Friday I developed a severe migraine so bad that I could only lie in bed in a dark room and pray for relief
Yesterday morning I woke up to go to my doctors appointment at 9 and I felt all blocked up
It felt like there was something akin to the weight a bowling ball in my bowel but it was refusing to move. I missed my appointment because I was in such agony.
I finally dragged myself to the doctors surgery as I had to collect my methadone prescription
I sat side ways in the waiting room as I couldn't put pressure on the area
I watched the doctor call people in before me, 1,2,3,4,5
I was losing the will to live when I was finally called in
It wasn't my usual male doctor and I was glad to speak to a female doctor
She asked me if I wanted her to examine my 'back passage'
I have trouble exposing my arms and legs never mind my 'back passage'
I politely declined
She prescribed laxatives, suppositories and said to come back if that didn't work and she would give me an enema
Suppositories reminded me of the scene in 'Trainspotting' when the Ewan Mc Gregor character used them and loses control of his bowels and ends up in a disgusting toilet
In the end the laxatives sufficed
I know methadone can contribute to constipation but I'm wondering if my sudden change in diet may be causing these physical symptoms
Answers on a postcard please
I know my diet is very limited at the moment but I'm just not hungry
I'm not craving sugar and carbohydrates like I used to crave heroin
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I will tell her and try not to play it down
I'll be interested to see what my weight is
I feel fat but then what's new
In the doctors waiting room I ran into a friend who told me that another friend is going to treatment today. She is bulimic but had been purge free for years
She relapsed recently
I haven't seen this girl in a long time but we used to be close
I was surprised to hear this as she was always so strong and was always helping others
She used Overeaters Anonymous to get well and followed a strict eating plan, weighing and measuring all her food
I wasn't sure what to do so I sent her a text, I haven't heard back but I'm sure she's got a lot on her mind
It also scared me to hear this, that someone so stable could relapse
I guess it can happen to anyone
In meetings we are told never to get complacent about recovery, never to take it for granted
They say relapse happens long before you pick up a drink or drug or purge
It sneaks up on you then smacks you in the face
It is cunning, powerful and baffling
It also made me think of myself
Has relapse been sneaking up on me?
Am I now in anorexia relapse?
I hope this girl will be alright
I hope I'll be alright
It's sad that we were both going through this but didn't know about the other
So many people are suffering in silence with this illness
Silenced by shame and guilt and fear
Anorexia can be plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know unless you told them
And how many actually do tell someone?
I was wondering about you
Have you ever experienced relapse, be it drink, drugs, anorexia, bulimia or anything else
How did you deal with it?
Thanks for reading this and as always much love x
Sunday 1 July 2012
Nil by mouth
Things are changing in eating disorder land
I haven't binged or purged since Wednesday
I thought this was good at first as I haven't gone that long without b/p in years
Then I realised why I wasn't purging
I haven't felt the urge to which means I haven't eaten anything substantial
My appetite and interest in food and slowly but surely been decreasing since I stopped taking the olanzapine
Last weeks weigh in also triggered me
Then throw in this wedding that's coming up
The only thing I've eaten in the last 3 days is cup a soups
I remember exactly how many I've eaten which is not good
5 on Thursday
2 on Friday
7 yesterday
They are 43cals each
I've stopped eating my beloved twix bars
Haven't even wanted one
I'm slipping
I can feel it
Or am I?
Maybe I'm over reacting
I haven't weighed. I'll wait until I see Mary
My fear of food is back
I want it but I don't
I'm not sure what to do
Part of me wants to embrace it, to run to the empty feeling
But another part of me is terrified
This feeling is so seductive
Mary told me to tell her if my appetite decreased after stopping the olanzapine
Should I tell her?
There's no way I'm going back on it
No way in hell
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow
He will no doubt suggest I keep taking it
How does that even make sense
It just makes me switch from anorexia to bulimia
Bulimia is invisible, they only react when my weight drops
I am so grateful to be away from the b/p
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
But I'm not sure I want this either
Or do I?
I don't even know anymore
I was flirting with recovery, I was starting to feel good
This feels good too though
Really good
Should I be worried?
I'm not yet but maybe I should be
I've always swapped around my behaviours, replacing one with another
The purging has stopped, abusing my meds has stopped, shoplifting has stopped
Am I inserting anorexia in to the hole they left?
Watch this space I guess x
I haven't binged or purged since Wednesday
I thought this was good at first as I haven't gone that long without b/p in years
Then I realised why I wasn't purging
I haven't felt the urge to which means I haven't eaten anything substantial
My appetite and interest in food and slowly but surely been decreasing since I stopped taking the olanzapine
Last weeks weigh in also triggered me
Then throw in this wedding that's coming up
The only thing I've eaten in the last 3 days is cup a soups
I remember exactly how many I've eaten which is not good
5 on Thursday
2 on Friday
7 yesterday
They are 43cals each
I've stopped eating my beloved twix bars
Haven't even wanted one
I'm slipping
I can feel it
Or am I?
Maybe I'm over reacting
I haven't weighed. I'll wait until I see Mary
My fear of food is back
I want it but I don't
I'm not sure what to do
Part of me wants to embrace it, to run to the empty feeling
But another part of me is terrified
This feeling is so seductive
Mary told me to tell her if my appetite decreased after stopping the olanzapine
Should I tell her?
There's no way I'm going back on it
No way in hell
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow
He will no doubt suggest I keep taking it
How does that even make sense
It just makes me switch from anorexia to bulimia
Bulimia is invisible, they only react when my weight drops
I am so grateful to be away from the b/p
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
But I'm not sure I want this either
Or do I?
I don't even know anymore
I was flirting with recovery, I was starting to feel good
This feels good too though
Really good
Should I be worried?
I'm not yet but maybe I should be
I've always swapped around my behaviours, replacing one with another
The purging has stopped, abusing my meds has stopped, shoplifting has stopped
Am I inserting anorexia in to the hole they left?
Watch this space I guess x
Saturday 30 June 2012
Confessions
I told Mother about the shoplifting
We were doing the cliff walk and I hadn't planned to tell her then (thinking about it, it was a dangerous place to tell her lol)
But I suddenly found a bit of courage from somewhere and decided to confess
'Mam, I've something else to tell you'
'Oh God what?'
'Mary thinks it's a good idea to tell you so I'm just going to say it'
At this point I decided to see if she knew already
'Have you any idea what I'm going to say?'
'Is it something you used to do when you were on drugs?'
'Yes'
I knew then she knew but I just couldn't find the words, shame washed over me
'You say it'
'No you say it'
She finally said 'Is it shoplifting?'
'Yes'
'Oh Ruby'
'I haven't done it in nearly 2 weeks and I really want to stop'
'What are you taking?'
'Food'
The conversation didn't last too long and I tried to convey that I was determined to stop but she knows by now that words are cheap
She pointed out that I could ruin my and destroy my reputation in our community
I know this
I haven't shoplifted in almost 2 weeks now and the truth is I used to be a lot worse
When I first moved here I was fresh out of heroin addiction
I stole everyday
My favourite haunt was the chemist where I collected my methadone
It was like a pick n mix
I stole everything from makeup to jewellry to anything and everything
I still have 2 boxes full of makeup and 2 bags of jewellry in my bedroom
Most of which has never been used
I started to feel guilty because the chemist was so nice to me, he always took the time to ask me how I was doing and was very encouraging
Over the next 5 years I would tell him about the highs and lows of recovery
Then one day a staff member told me the chemist wasn't coming back
I was crushed
I wanted to thank him so I wrote him a card and left it in the chemist for them to post
Then I found out he had been fired, the way I heard it he had been 'too friendly' to a female customer
To be honest I don't believe this, it's only hearsay anyway
But he was fired for something, I don't know what
The chemist that replaced him wasn't half as nice
I think it's the chemists loss because he was a great chemist, caring but not patronising
I started shoplifting there again
Over time I have gradually realised how stupid it is to steal from there
They are one of only 2 chemists in the town and I don't fancy having to go to the other one
Overall they are lovely to me in my chemist and I always have a chat with the girls
I often wonder if they ever knew
They could well have
So I've stopped taking from there, it's plain stupid
I remember once feeling so guilty for taking something that I was very close to going back and confessing but someone talked me out of it
So hopefully this is the end of my shoplifting career
Time to get honest
Quit while I'm ahead
I got a new camera yesterday (from said chemist and yes I paid for it) so I'll be able to add more photos from now on
Have a happy Saturday x
We were doing the cliff walk and I hadn't planned to tell her then (thinking about it, it was a dangerous place to tell her lol)
But I suddenly found a bit of courage from somewhere and decided to confess
'Mam, I've something else to tell you'
'Oh God what?'
'Mary thinks it's a good idea to tell you so I'm just going to say it'
At this point I decided to see if she knew already
'Have you any idea what I'm going to say?'
'Is it something you used to do when you were on drugs?'
'Yes'
I knew then she knew but I just couldn't find the words, shame washed over me
'You say it'
'No you say it'
She finally said 'Is it shoplifting?'
'Yes'
'Oh Ruby'
'I haven't done it in nearly 2 weeks and I really want to stop'
'What are you taking?'
'Food'
The conversation didn't last too long and I tried to convey that I was determined to stop but she knows by now that words are cheap
She pointed out that I could ruin my and destroy my reputation in our community
I know this
I haven't shoplifted in almost 2 weeks now and the truth is I used to be a lot worse
When I first moved here I was fresh out of heroin addiction
I stole everyday
My favourite haunt was the chemist where I collected my methadone
It was like a pick n mix
I stole everything from makeup to jewellry to anything and everything
I still have 2 boxes full of makeup and 2 bags of jewellry in my bedroom
Most of which has never been used
I started to feel guilty because the chemist was so nice to me, he always took the time to ask me how I was doing and was very encouraging
Over the next 5 years I would tell him about the highs and lows of recovery
Then one day a staff member told me the chemist wasn't coming back
I was crushed
I wanted to thank him so I wrote him a card and left it in the chemist for them to post
Then I found out he had been fired, the way I heard it he had been 'too friendly' to a female customer
To be honest I don't believe this, it's only hearsay anyway
But he was fired for something, I don't know what
The chemist that replaced him wasn't half as nice
I think it's the chemists loss because he was a great chemist, caring but not patronising
I started shoplifting there again
Over time I have gradually realised how stupid it is to steal from there
They are one of only 2 chemists in the town and I don't fancy having to go to the other one
Overall they are lovely to me in my chemist and I always have a chat with the girls
I often wonder if they ever knew
They could well have
So I've stopped taking from there, it's plain stupid
I remember once feeling so guilty for taking something that I was very close to going back and confessing but someone talked me out of it
So hopefully this is the end of my shoplifting career
Time to get honest
Quit while I'm ahead
I got a new camera yesterday (from said chemist and yes I paid for it) so I'll be able to add more photos from now on
Have a happy Saturday x
Friday 29 June 2012
'Ivory'
Thanks for all the great feedback on'are we all addicts?'
It was a good documentary and really got me thinking
It reminded me of the one and only time I've used legal highs
Let me share it with you
It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon, drugs were the furthest thing from my mind and I was heading to my regular 1pm NA meeting
It was a small meeting only 3 of us when an extremely thin girl walked in
She was a bit flustered and when she sat down and looked into her eyes I could tell she was on something but I wasn't sure what
She spoke but didn't make a lot of sense, cementing my impression that she was a bit out of it
The meeting finished up and I ended up sharing a smoke with her out the back
She confessed that she was using, something called 'ivory'
She explained it was a legal high and she bought it in a shop (called head shops here) just down the street
I was intrigued as I had no experience with legal highs as they were new on the scene
She spoke at length and without being aware of it (or maybe I was) I found out exactly how to obtain this 'ivory'
She also admitted that she had an eating disorder and that the drug kept her weight down
Well that was it for me, I was already getting directions to the shop and making my excuses to leave
I must add this girls life was a mess, she looked like hell, owed a lot of money and was at the meeting to get help
Of course the addict/anorexic in me ignored this and only saw what I wanted to see, a way to stay skinny with the bonus of a buzz
I left with butterflies in my tummy, the way I always feel when I know I'm about to use
I could not get over how easy it was to buy this drug
It was as simple as buying sweets
I inspected the packet and it was advertised as 'bath salts' and 'not fit for human consumption'
This was how it was legal, stating this meant they fell into a loop hole in the law
I rushed home
My family were going out, perfect
I can't snort so I wrapped half the packet in tissue and swallowed
I waited and waited and as I waited the guilt set in
What the hell was I doing?
I decided nothing was happening and it really was bath salts
I rang an NA friend to confess all
I had got to the point where I was chatting to the girl when I started to feel strange
My voice started to speed up and I felt like I was in fast forward
Shit, I couldn't confess now
I suddenly couldn't stop talking and kept her on the phone for ages
It was only when she hung up mid sentence and I realised I had been on the phone for 2 hours that I realised I was out of my fucking box
It was like cocaine multiplied by 100
My mother had come while I was on the phone
I tried to act normal but I couldn't stop talking, I literally couldn't control my mouth
She knew and I knew she knew but nothing was said
I spent the next 3 hours talking at her, complete shit of course
She escaped to bed
I tried to make tea but I couldn't get it together long enough to complete the action
I spent the night chain smoking and manically walking around my house
I started to worry when I hadn't come down by the next morning and I had nothing to speed (or slow down the process)
That evening still fucked up I confessed to my mother
I couldn't take the manic feeling anymore and retreated to my bed
I curled up in the foetus position and prayed for the feeling to go away
The next few hours were hell as I slowly came down
I cried with relief when I finally felt normal
I was blown away how strong this 'legal high' was
I have never experienced anything like it
The feeling of not being able to string a thought together but yet not able to stop talking was terrifying
That was the last time I used ( apart from prescription drugs)
I'm kind of grateful that the experience was negative and I didn't want to use it again
It also solidified my opinion that man-made, synthetic substances are worse than natural drugs
A law has now been passed and the head shops have all been shut down
I've heard other horror stories about these drugs
God only knows what they're made of
Have you ever tried legal highs?
What was your experience?
Was it as scary as mine?
Thanks for reading and as always much love x
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