Ignorance is bliss

I'm just back from seeing Mary
The first thing I saw when I walked in to the room was the dreaded scale
Usually she leaves the weigh in until the end of the session but today she decided to get it out of the way before I'd even sat down
I can't tell you how much I wanted to look down at the number but I couldn't risk the fallout that would happen if I had gained
I'm on my own this week and after my meltdown last week after being weighed, I couldn't risk it again this week and then have to go home to an empty house with 3 weeks worth of meds
Bear  in mind I maintained last week so I shudder to think what my reaction would be if I had gained
Ignorance is bliss

So I told her about my week, how my mood had plummeted but didn't confess to having suicidal thoughts
I told her about having been 2 weeks purge free but then broke out on Tuesday and purged 6 times
Tuesday was a perfectly normal day
I had absolutely no warning that  binge was in the post
It was literally a split second decision
One minute I was fine and the next thing I knew I was raiding the presses for food like a heat seeking missile
I binged and purged 6 times over the next few hours
I can trace it back to the previous day
I took 3 anti anxiety meds so I could sleep for the day
Yes I took the olanzapine that I swore I would never take again
I just wanted a break from the black thoughts I was having and sleep was the only way to stop the dark and negative tape that was playing on repeat in my head
I don't know for sure but I suspect it could have been the meds that awoke my ravenous appetite
Thankfully I am back on track now
If anything this slip just showed me how sick I am of the binge/purge cycle and never want to go back there

Mary asked me to write down some long term goals
They included getting my eating under control, be independent, go back to education, travel, social life, have a relationship and a few others
She asked me what was stopping me from reaching these goals and of course the answer is my old sparring partners fear, anxiety and fear of failure
She pointed out that having regrets is a lot worse than having tried something and failed and that if you try you can't fail
I didn't want to say that my most important goal is reaching a new all time low weight
Ridiculous I know
I explained that I feel like I'm failing at my eating disorder when I engage with recovery
That I've been given this label of anorexia and I'm failing at being anorexic
She said that just like the number on the scale, anorexia is just a label and it does not define me
In my head I was shouting 'But it does, it does!!'
I often liken my relationship with my eating disorder to an abusive relationship
Just like an abuser anorexia grooms you and lures you in with promises of happiness, thinness and success, then when you are captive it shows you it's true colours and the cruelty begins
When you try to get away from your abuser or eating disorder it tries even harder to get you back into it's clutches, promises you that this time will be different
I feel like I am at that stage now, I'm trying to escape but the promise of being thin and happy is so very hard to resist

My goals for next week coincide with preparations for the wedding
Buy some new clothes which I've been putting off for weeks
I have to get some stuff for Italy but I would rather eat my own foot than go clothes shopping at the moment
But I have to so I will make myself go
Maybe I'll feel better about the trip if I have some nice clothes
Also I need to get my hair done, also something I've been putting off
I just hate having to sit in front of a mirror for 2 hours while trying to make small talk
I know I will feel good after doing these things but the thoughts of doing them is enough to drive me to drink
Italy is getting closer and closer and I need to get these things done

With that said I was wondering if any of you fashionistas out there have any suggestions as to what sort of clothes would be good for Italy
I'd really appreciate any advice on this as I don't know where to start and even thinking about it makes me anxious
I want to be comfortable but also look good

Hugs and kisses x

Solitude

My family are gone away for the week so I have the house to myself
I'm enjoying the solitude although it is perfect conditions for my eating disorder to thrive
I can restrict to my hearts content
I am still in a dark place but thoughts of suicide are not foremost in my mind
They are just fleeting thoughts
I'm so glad to have some time to myself, I love my mother but now that she is on holidays from work we are living in each others pockets
Also I don't like her seeing me like this
I feel like I am holding on with my finger tips
I feel like any moment I could fall in to a black hole, never to be found again
And the worst part is I feel  I should be in a better place
I'm nearly 2 weeks binge/purge free, I'm off the dreaded olanzapine
I should be feeling good but I don't
I went to the doctor yesterday but it wasn't my usual doctor so I had to take the olanzapine prescription as he can't make any changes to my meds
I took 3 yesterday and slept for most of the day
Now I feel so guilty

This illness has been with me for 11 years now
I lost all of my twenties to addiction and eating disorders
Do I really want to lose the next 10 years?
The answer is definitely no but I also can't imagine the next 10 years without it
Most people my age are settled in their jobs, are in relationships and are planning marriage or to have children
I would love to go to college but I just can't see it happening
My fear of failure is so strong that it stops me from even considering doing alot of things
Fear of failure
Fear of not being good enough
Fear of letting others and myself down
Fear of not being liked
Fear of anything outside of this eating disorder bubble
I would not have held on my eating disorder for so long if it did not serve a purpose and it does
It keeps me numb to any feeling
It shields me from life
I stay in this childlike state where I have no responsibilities
I don't have to engage in life so therefore I don't get hurt
But it's coming to the point where the bad outweighs the good
It was the same with drugs
The negative consequences started to out weigh the good
It was too much effort for too little payoff
But the fear I feel is paralysing
It's keeping me stuck as if I were encased in cement
Other factors come in to play now though
My parents are in their sixties and are not getting any younger
What do I do when they die
They support me in every was to the point that I would be lost without them
My siblings can't be expected to pick up the slack
Then I would either sink lower in to my eating disorder or get well without their support
Neither option is appealing
Now would be the ideal time to attempt recovery as I would have their support
I've lost so much to this illness already. do I really want to lose anything else?
Inpatient has crossed my mind
I have one more chance to go the place I was before
And that's what's stopping me from calling them
I only have one shot there so I want to be sure I'm going to use it wisely
The last time I rang them them it took me a year to muster up the courage
But the addict in me wants to get to an all time low weight, lower than I've ever been
Maybe then I'll be satisfied and will be ready to get well
I know that's bullshit though as the number is never low enough
Something needs to shift though

The wedding in Italy is a little over 2 weeks away
The closer it gets the more anxious I feel
There will be lots if family lunches and dinners and that terrifies me
Do I eat and purge or carry on restricting?
I love Italian food and I'm afraid I'll lose all control and become the incredible binging monster
I've even been stressing over who will be sitting at our table at the wedding
Will they notice my bizarre eating habits
I should be looking forward to this holiday, it's the trip of a lifetime
I've considered not going at all but I've paid for it and I want to be there to see my cousin get married
It would be taking the easy option not to go
A lot of the time I find that thinking about something is worse than the event itself so I'm hoping that will be the case here

With all that said I wanted to ask you 2 questions
If you were me would you consider inpatient?
And also how do you manage food on holidays?
I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions

Thanks for reading and as always much love x

Falling slowly

More signs?
I came home from walking my dogs yesterday morning and switched on the t.v to see that Dr Phil was on
I don't usually watch Dr Phil as I find him patronising but guess what he was talking about?
Yes you've guessed it, eating disorders
I missed the first half and caught up just when he brought on Tracey Gold
Most of you will remember Tracey Gold as the American actress who suffered from anorexia
She recently brought out a reality show called 'Starving Secrets' about girls suffering from eating disorders
I haven't seen this show and I've heard good and bad reports about it, mostly bad
She spoke about her illness and showed the obligatory emaciated photos
Then they showed a clip from a previous guest who had been on a year previously
It showed her looking at a picture of her skeletal frame and describing how fat she was
A year later she was back and what a difference, she was the picture of health with a beaming smile
The were all there to help a girl called Mercedes
I missed most of her story but she had anorexia and was terrified she was going to die
They offered her a place in inpatient treatment and she gratefully accepted

I don't always like to watch shows like this as I inevitably end up comparing myself to these girls and deciding that I'm not as as sick as them therefore I'm not sick
They can often serve as a trigger for me although sometimes I watch them for this exact reason
My mother was sitting at the table and we both watched the show in silence
Towards the end I could hear her quietly sobbing
I couldn't look at her and I pretended I didn't notice
I was afraid if I looked at her that I would also break down
I envied the girls on the show who had managed to recover but as sick as it sounds I also envied the girls who were sick
Why I don't know because in reality I am where they are and I am utterly miserable

After being in great form since stopping my meds 2 weeks ago, my mood has been steadily declining the last few days
When I wake up in the morning I dread the day ahead and I know this is a bad sign when I'm depressed before I even get out of bed
I can't stand the thought of another day obsessing about food, worrying about my weight
The daily battle of will I or won't I eat
I still haven't purged but that is of little consolation to me right now
My peace of mind is non existent and thoughts of food never leave my mind
I am already stressing about next Thursdays weigh in
I have to admit that in an effort to end this misery, suicide as crossed my mind
I don't intend to act on these thoughts but I can't see any other way out right now
My mother is going away on Monday for a week and I am looking forward to the solitude
Another sign I am slipping
I think of my meds that have been building up for the last 2 weeks that are in my mothers room
How easy it would be to sneak in there and take them all
They probably wouldn't kill me but I would probably sleep for a while
I'm not going to act on this but the thoughts are comforting in a strange way
I remember when I was trying to get clean from drugs  I made a deal with myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if it didn't work out I would kill myself
In a very sick way this helped me get through knowing I could end it all if I needed to
Thankfully recovery worked out
So maybe that's what I should do now, give recovery a shot
Trust Mary and trust my body
It really is a choice between life and death
I'm retaining water and it's driving me crazy
I know it's from those sodium packed cup a soups
They have to go
Maybe I have to go too
Maybe I am broken beyond repair
Only fit for the rubbish heap
I pray for a way out of this
I can't stand it a minute longer
I can't stand being inside my own head
I can't stand being in my own body
The self hatred and disgust I feel is overwhelming
I look forward to the nights and the sweet release of sleep
It's the only relief I get
I wish this would end
I wish I had the strength to get better
I wish I could eat and be ok with it
I wish...........

Signs?

I saw my ex-sponsor in the supermarket this morning
I almost gave myself whiplash trying to turn and speed walk in the opposite direction
Silly really as she is a lovely woman but I just couldn't bear to answer the question 'how are you?'
I couldn't trust myself not to break down and cry
I haven't seen her in over a year so  it is strange that I ran into her today
When I was attending meetings I used to ring her every evening and call to her house once or twice a week. She was bringing through the 12 steps and I had just completed my fifth step when my eating disorder became impossible to ignore
I had support for drink and drugs but I didn't have support for food  so I couldn't pretend it wasn't there anymore
She also sponsors my sister

Then when I was driving home Ivana Lynch was being interviewed on the radio
She is an Irish actress (although she seems to have acquired an American accent) who was in the Harry Potter films
She spoke about how she suffered from anorexia when she was a young teenager
She has made a full recovery
The interviewer asked her how she stays well and she explained that she found other interests, things that she was passionate about
Mary is always trying to get me to pursue other interests
I can understand why
If I have other things in my life, things that bring me joy and happiness, I will be less likely to look for happiness through my eating disorder
There will be less space in my head for food and weight loss
At the moment I  have nothing else apart from my dogs
My eating disorder is like a 24 hour job with no days off
I work all week ie restrict and exercise and expect a big fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss
Dancing used be my passion but fear stops me from doing it again

So were these two incidences today coincidences?
Or were they signs trying to point me in the right direction?
I suppose I am looking for signs to tell me what to do because I really don't know which way is up at the moment
I remember last year when I got the call that I had a place in treatment
I was staying with my brother and I was surprised the call had come so soon so I asked for some time to think about it
Again, I wasn't sure what to do so I went for a walk to clear my head
I remember asking I don't know who, God, the universe for a sign as to what I should do
I didn't know the area so I was just walking and walking
I came across a restaurant with a sign in the window saying 'Don't starve' in flashing red lights
Ok that's definitely a sign
But I didn't pay too much attention and kept walking
Then I came across a doctors surgery and the name of the doctor on the sign was the same name as the psychiatrist in the treatment centre I was thinking of going to
Another coincidence?

I'm not religious or superstitious but these coincidences definitely make me stop and think
They are comforting in a way

I still very confused today
My body seems to be starting to recover but my mind is still so very sick
Technically I'm still underweight but I don't feel it
I'm suppose to be doing homework for Mary, planning all my meals, eating 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping a food log
So far all I've done is keep the food log
Why plan meals when I'm not going to eat them?
My urge to restrict is strong even though I know it could lead to a binge
What's a messed up girl to do?

Do you believe in signs?
What has your experience been?
I'd love to know

Thanks for reading and as always much love x

A therapy session of two halves

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I had a mini panic attack last night thinking about the dreaded weigh in today
The session started out good, I was excited to tell her that I hadn't binged or purged in a week and was
also shoplifting free for two weeks
Also that I'm off the olanzapine two weeks and my mood and energy had improved
It was great to acknowledge the positive changes
I expressed my anxiety about the weigh in
Technically I should have lost weight as my intake was quite poor this week but I had a funny feeling that I had gained
I stood on the scale but couldn't look at the numbers
Mary then said we should discuss it an then told me my weight was exactly the same
I have to admit I was bitterly disappointed and also terrified
We had just been speaking about how my next steps should be to up my intake to 3 meals and 2 snacks a day
I was willing to try but now I am so afraid that if I increase my intake my weight will shoot up
My mood plummeted after the weigh in and I could barely hold it together
I hate the power those numbers have over me
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression and if it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
I hate that those numbers dictate my mood, my self worth and my self esteem
You would think that over time that the weigh ins would get easier but if anything they get harder to deal with
The weigh in was supposed to be the end of the session but seeing the state I was in Mary sat and spoke with me for another half an hour
She tried to make me see that the number on a scale does not define me
It doesn't change the person I am
It doesn't make me fat or worthless
It doesn't undo all the positive changes that I've made
I know all of this but it doesn't change the way I feel
Immediately I was plotting in my head to restrict my intake even further
Mary pointed out that restricting doesn't always mean you lose weight and that it can lead to binging
She said that the only way to maintain or even lose weight is regular eating
I want to believe this but I'm not quite there yet
I feel like my body is starting to recover but my mind is way, way behind
It's a strange wishy, washy, no mans land, limbo like place
My eating disorder is a safe place
No feelings, no responsibilities, no risk of failure, no engaging in life
Stepping outside of that is unknown territory and it's scary
With drug and addiction and eating disorders I've been numb for 12 years
All these feeling I'm feeling are new and I don't know what to do with myself or how to handle them
It's on days like this that I would have abused my meds
Knocked myself out for the day so I wouldn't have to deal with anything
The sweet oblivion of sleep
But I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way
I went to meet my mother and sister after the session but I was like a spitting devil
My disappointment had now to turned to anger
I couldn't verbalize my feelings so I said nothing
My mother asked me was I disappointed with my weight but I couldn't answer her

So now I am at yet another crossroads
I can do the right thing and trust Mary and my body and increase my intake
Or I can turn to anorexia and restrict even further
I want to be able to say I'll do the former but the truth is I just don't know
I just don't know anymore
Anorexia is the easy option but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it
It would be easier to numb my pain and stay where I'm comfortable
As Fiona pointed outed to  me once, it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery
It's a choice between life and death
I want to want to live
I want to want to recover
My ex-sponsor used to say to me that if I don't know what to do I should do the opposite of what I think I should do
If I think I should use, don't use
If I think I should skip a meeting, go to a meeting
If I think I shouldn't eat, eat
It was a simple but effective tool
So I think I'm going to try that and see how I get on

If anyone is or has been at this stage of their eating disorder/recovery I would love to know if you have any advice
How did you move forward
I'd love to know

Thanks for reading x

Next Please

I haven't binged or purged since last Wednesday
Haven't even had an urge to binge or purge
I haven't gone this long in I don't know how long
It feels good
My intake is still poor
I think all the sodium in the soup is making me retain water so I've cut it down to 1-2 per day
I've also added in carrots and today I'm adding in parsnips
This cements my feeling that the olanzapine was contributing to my out of control appetite
I still can't quite believe I took it for so long without asking any questions or researching it properly
I guess because I was abusing it I didn't care
Olanzapine may work for some people but for me it most certainly didn't
My mood is still good and I have more energy but I've had some horrible physical symptoms in the last few days
Last Friday I  developed a severe migraine so bad that I could only lie in bed in a dark room and pray for relief
Yesterday morning I woke up to go to my doctors appointment at 9 and I felt all blocked up
It felt like there was something akin to the weight a bowling ball in my bowel but it was refusing to move. I missed my appointment because I was in such agony.
I finally dragged myself to the doctors surgery as I had to collect my methadone prescription
I sat side ways in the waiting room as I couldn't put pressure on the area
I watched the doctor call people in before me, 1,2,3,4,5
I was losing the will to live when I was finally called in
It wasn't my usual male doctor and I was glad to speak to a female doctor
She asked me if I wanted her to examine my 'back passage'
I have trouble exposing my arms and legs never mind my 'back passage'
I politely declined
She prescribed laxatives,  suppositories and said to come back if that didn't work and she would give me an enema
Suppositories reminded me of the scene in 'Trainspotting' when the Ewan Mc Gregor character used them and loses control of his bowels and ends up in a disgusting toilet
In the end the laxatives sufficed
I know methadone can contribute to constipation but I'm wondering if my sudden change in diet may be causing these physical symptoms
Answers on a postcard please
I know my diet is very limited at the moment but I'm just not hungry
I'm not craving sugar and carbohydrates like I used to crave heroin
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I will tell her and try not to play it down
I'll be interested to see what my weight is
I feel fat but then what's new

In the doctors waiting room I ran into a friend who told me that another friend is going to treatment today. She is bulimic but had been purge free for years
She relapsed recently
I haven't seen  this girl in a long time but we used to be close
I was surprised to hear this as she was always so strong and was always helping others
She used Overeaters Anonymous to get well and followed a strict eating plan, weighing and measuring all her food
I wasn't sure what to do so I sent her a text, I haven't heard back but I'm sure she's got a lot on her mind
It also scared me to hear this, that someone so stable could relapse
I guess it can happen to anyone
In meetings we are told never to get complacent about recovery, never to take it for granted
They say relapse happens long before you pick up a drink or drug or purge
It sneaks up on you then smacks you in the face
It is cunning, powerful and baffling
It also made me think of myself
Has relapse been sneaking up on me?
Am I now in anorexia relapse?
I hope this girl will be alright
I hope I'll be alright
It's sad that we were both going through this but didn't know about the other
So many people are suffering in silence with this illness
Silenced by shame and guilt and fear
Anorexia can be plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know unless you told them
And how many actually do tell someone?

I was wondering about you
Have you ever experienced relapse, be it drink, drugs, anorexia, bulimia or anything else
How did you deal with it?

Thanks for reading this and as always much love x

Nil by mouth

Things are changing in eating disorder land
I haven't binged or purged since Wednesday
I thought this was good at first as I haven't gone that long without b/p in years
Then I realised why I wasn't purging
I haven't felt the urge to which means I haven't eaten anything substantial
My appetite and interest in food and slowly but surely been decreasing since I stopped taking the olanzapine
Last weeks weigh in also triggered me
Then throw in this wedding that's coming up
The only thing I've eaten in the last 3 days is cup a soups
I remember exactly how many I've eaten which is not good
5 on Thursday
2 on Friday
7 yesterday
They are 43cals each
I've stopped eating my beloved twix bars
Haven't even wanted one
I'm slipping
I can feel it
Or am I?
Maybe I'm over reacting
I haven't weighed. I'll wait until I see Mary
My fear of food is back
I want it but I don't
I'm not sure what to do
Part of me wants to embrace it, to run to the empty feeling
But another part of me is terrified
This feeling is so seductive
Mary told me to tell her if my appetite decreased after stopping the olanzapine
Should I tell her?
There's no way I'm going back on it
No way in hell
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow
He will no doubt suggest I keep taking it
How does that even make sense
It just makes me switch from anorexia to bulimia
Bulimia is invisible, they only react when my weight drops
I am so grateful to be away from the b/p
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
But I'm not sure I want this either
Or do I?
I don't even know anymore
I was flirting with recovery, I was starting to feel good
This feels good too though
Really good
Should I be worried?
I'm not yet but maybe I should be
I've always swapped around my behaviours, replacing one with another
The purging has stopped, abusing my meds has stopped, shoplifting has stopped
Am I inserting anorexia in to the hole they left?

Watch this space I guess x