Thoughts on recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recovery

Or am I?

I think I am

I mean

I want to be

I try to be

I hope to be 

There is no doubt

That I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months ago

I was in such a dark place

My days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purging

Or silently starving

The binging and purging was relentless 

I shit you not

In the morning 

I'd wake up

Have chocolate for breakfast 

Purge

Go shopping for binge food

Which I may or may not have paid for

Walk my dogs 

No matter how bad things got

I always walked my dogs 

Even if it was a short one when I was very ill

I'd come home

And the binging would commence

Crisps 

Chocolate

Biscuits

Pasta

Bread 

Noodles

Potatoes 

Chicken curry

It just went on and in

I literally couldn't stop

It was terrifying how out of control I was

I can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness

'Ruby

Please

Stop'

My family would beg and plead with me

They'd get angry

Sad

Mad

They were at the end of their tether 

And so was I

It was a nightmare

I remember at night when everyone went to bed

I would tear the kitchen apart

Cooking

Making food 

Eating everything in sight

There were often times when I ate all the bread in the house

Leaving nine for anyone else 

If anyone bought biscuits or chocolate

They didn't last five minutes if I was around

I just couldn't help myself 

Couldn't control myself

Not even if I wanted to

I woke up every morning 

Dreading the day ahead

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again

Literally going in circles 

I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sister

But let me tell you

From someone who has lived through both

They are equally as serious 

And anyone who wants to argue that point?

Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

Even when I went on to treatment last year

I still continued to binge and purge

I purged every meal

Used to raid the biscuit press

And keep a stash of biscuits in my locker

I bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteen

They must have thought I was nuts

And I'm surprised I got away with it at all

I was so sneaky 

Purging any chance I got

I was constantly ducking and diving

Trying to get around staff

Purging was my drug 

And I just couldn't stop

I can remember in all my time intreatnent

I managed only one day purge free

One day

Even with all the support I had

I left treatment weighing less than when I went in

As you know 

In the year since leaving treatment 

Things began to look up 

The incessant binging and purging stopped

And I began to gain some control over my eating

As of now

My weight is stable 

My health has drastically improved

As has my mental health

Don't get me wrong

I still haven't had a purge free day

I purge at least a couple of times a day

But things are the best they've been in a long time

Amen to that

Maybe by medical standards 

I am still unwell

And still very much bulimic

Still eating disordered 

But for me

This is as good as things get

For now

From an addiction point of view

Things are in a similar place

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drugs

But I still struggle to take my meds properly

And have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imagination

But again

Things are as good as they can be

And for now

That is enough

I guess recovery is not destination

It's not an end point

It's a process

It's ongoing

It never ends

There is a saying in AA

That they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection

I love that

It's about constantly growing

Thriving

Blossoming

Fighting for a better life

Recovery takes time 

Another saying in AA is to give time time

Again

So true

Physical recovery takes months

Psychological recovery can take years

And complete recovery can take a life time

That's the thing with eating disorders

You have the double whammy of physical and mental complications

And it really takes a toll

I don't think I have mentioned weight yet

That's the funny things about EDs

Wright does matter 

But it also doesn't matter 

I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthy

And it does matter if you are under weight or obese

And it is having a detrimental effect on your health

I think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine field

We are told that weight doesn't matter

Yet in treatment it becomes such a big deal

I know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing me

The number seemed important to them

So it became important to me

Over the years 

I have been every weight between emaciated and healthy

But I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight

That is no lie

I know that I have a lot of work to do

My recovery is a work in progress

I am no poster girl from recovery 

But am always honest about where I am

I don't see any point in sugar coating things

That helps no one

I will continue to fight for a better life

For a better future

For me and my family 

I've had a glimpse of what my life could be life

I've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can be

And I want more

I want to live the best life I can 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

What do you think constitutes recovery?

Which do you think is harder

Living with an ED

Or recovering from one?

What does recovery mean to you?

I'd love to know.....

Queen Maeve's Trail, Take 2

Last month

I did a post about the walk I did with my mother and sister on this trail

Today I did it again with my brother and his partner

It was slightly different this time

As they are just a bit fitter than my mother and sister

So it was full speed ahead

Afterwards 

We went to Shells cafe for a most welcome cup of tea and a toastie

Instead of me telling you about it

Here are some photos....

The talking scale

Friday is food shopping day in my house

During the week we leave a note pad and pen on the table

So we can write down things that we need 

As you know 

I live with my mum and my sister 

And we all have different things that we like

So our shopping list can be quite eclectic 

We have a kitty

So each week we all contribute

Depending on our own budget

It works well for us 

I think I've said before 

That my sister is an amazing cook

So we've all been eating like queens since she came home last summer

And I have picked up a lot of handy tips from her too

In a Friday morning 

Two out of the the three of us usually go shopping

My sister is doing a cookery course today

So my mum and I went to do the food shopping

Lea and Honey always come too

And we bring them for a run on the beach first 

And then head to the shops

We go to two supermarkets

First we go to Lidl

Lidl is a German shop that sells food a lot cheaper

So we pick up bread and veg and such there

Then we head over to the second supermarket

Which is on the expensive side

But it has all our favourite brands so we always go there

So we were in Lidl this morning

Every week they have a special offer on

And today it seemed to be health products

So they had a blood pressure machine

Various exercise equipment 

Work out clothes

But one specific item caught my eye

A speaking scale no less

When I saw it 

I had to take a closer look

Were my eyes deceiving me?

No

It was in fact a talking scale

The horror of it all washed over me 

I don't think I've ever in all my years weighing seen a talking scale

I can't think of anything worse

Let me explain why

I don't know about you 

But for me

Weighing is a very private and personal thing

I do it only in the privacy of my own bedroom

With the door locked

Preferably in the morning 

When I know there's no one around

The only other people I have let weigh me were doctors and of course Mary

Oh yes

It's very few people that I let weigh me

That number is just so personal 

I know I give the number too much power

But I don't think it's an ED not to let people know your exact weight

I'd say most women

And a lot of men

Like to keep their weight to themselves 

So the thought of a speaking scale?

Oh my God

It doesn't bear thinking about 

A scale that says your weight out loud

For all and sundry to hear?

No thank you very much

It's safe to say that I won't be investing in one of these

While I was in the shop

I noticed quite a lot of interest in the scales

I guess maybe a lot of people hadn't seen one before 

But Jesus H Christ

It's hard enough having to look at the number

Never mind have the thing speak it to you

I can't think of any thing worse

Here it is...

I was wondering

Am I alone in this?

What do you think of the talking scale?

Yay or nay?

Eagles Rock

I live in a valley 

Between two mountains

It's really quite spectacular here

But I guess I am looking at it everyday

So I don't always appreciate it

There is part of the mountain near my house called Eagles Rock

Which is popular with hikers and climbers

On Sunday we went down to check it out

We weren't really prepared to do the full walk

So we just walked a little

And decided we would do it properly next week

When my brother and his girlfriend are here

And we can all do it together

So here are some photos

And by the way 

Please tell me if you think I am too tanned

My family tell me that I am

But I want to continue tanning

So I was wondering what you think

And be brutally honest

I'm a big girl 

I can handle it....

The beautiful ones

 Up until recently 

I was weighing every day

It was always the first thing I did in the morning

Pee

Strip

And stand on the scales 

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number 

I'd squeeze my eyes shut

And peep through my fingers to see my fate

I have numbers that are acceptable

Numbers that are unacceptable 

Safe numbers

Unsafe numbers

My weight tends to stay within the same five pounds

Tends to be lower in the middle of the month

And higher when I get my period

Just a quick note about periods

I didn't get mine for ten years when I was very ill

It's only in the last few months that my period has come back

Anyway

In recent weeks 

I have stopped weighing so much

As it just drives me nuts

The number on the scales dictates my mood for the whole day 

It really has the power to ruin my day

The number goes  up and I spiral in to black hole of depression

The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria

But in reality

No matter what the number

My ED is never happy 

Never ever 

So I've decided to go by how I feel

And how I look

Rather than what the scale says

And I feel pretty ok

I feel steady and grounded and stable

For the most part

I feel ok in my body

Yes there are things that I would like to change

I would love to be more toned and fit

But being in my body is tolerable 

I can live with it

I've accepted that I will never be a supermodel 

Or one of the beautiful people

You know who they are

They're the ones with shiny silky hair

All tousled and messy like they've just got  out of bed

They have long, lean and tanned limbs

Perfect skin

Trendy clothes

And it all looks utterly effortless 

I on the other hand

Am not beautiful 

I'm average at best

My hair is frizzy

My skin is dry

I try to dress well

But it doesn't always work out the way I want it do

My body is flabby 

And it was even worse before I had a tan

I guess I could be improved 

By a team of stylists and make up artists

Maybe then I could be something approaching pretty

But I don't have the energy, inclination or money to do that

So I just try and make the best of what I have got 

I think the most attractive quality in someone is  confidence

You can have a beautiful face

High fashion clothes 

An expensive hair cut 

But it all means nothing 

If confidence is absent 

I don't have a whole lot of confidence 

In fact 

It's pretty non existent 

I guess I am faking it until I make it

I was wondering about you

How is your confidence? 

Does confidence come easy to you?

Or are you like me and struggle a lot?

What has helped build your confidence?

Tuesday

I saw Breda this morning 

I was dreading having to tell her about what I did last Thursday

I was not looking forward to admitting what I had done

And in the end

I didn't 

I didn't tell her 

I just couldn't find the words

Couldn't stand another person knowing what I have done 

I think I've told enough people

I've spoken about it at meetings

Spoken to friends about it 

My sister 

I really don't think in need to tell everyone  I meet

I will speak to Mary when I see her on Thursday 

As she knows about my shoplifting past

And I won't have to do a whole load of explaining

At first

I thought I would have to hide at home

And avoid going in to town

To avoid the shop where it happened 

And the shop I was caught outside of

And anywhere else where people might know

But I decided against it

And have been going about my business as usual 

I've past the shop itself numerous times

I'm just doing what I usually do

If people know they know

There is nothing I can do about that now

I am undecided about whether to post the letter I wrote

I still have it 

But my gut instinct is not to send it

So I'm not going to

For the moment anyway

Last Thursday really shook me

I've been reliving it ever since

Beating myself up

Putting myself down

Trying to find a way to go back in time and undo it

But of course I can't 

I chose to steal from that shop

So now I have to deal with the consequences

I do acknowledge that it could have been a whole lot worse

I could be sitting in a jail cell right now 

Could have been reported in the local paper

I am eternally grateful to that girl for not calling the cops 

I don't know why she didn't 

But I am so glad she didn't 

As I write last week

All I can do is learn from this

And move on 

I have to let it go

Before I drive myself insane

I have to forgive myself 

And use this as ammunition never to do that again

If nothing but that happens 

At least something came out of all of this

I spoke to Breda about other things 

She asked me if my methadone has been reduced recently

I told her it had been

About a month ago 

She wondered if it will be reduced again soon

I wasn't sure

But to be honest 

I hope not

The less I am on

The more of reality I have to deal with

And I don't want to deal with it

It doesn't make sense really

My reality is not that bad

I live in a nice house 

With nice people

I have an amazingly strong and supportive family around me

I have a small but close circle of friends

I have Honey and Lea who mean so much to me

I have you lovely ladies 

A roof over my head

Food in my fridge

Clothes in my wardrobe

I have a lot more than some people

Abd yet

I still want to escape

Switch off

Opt out

Check off the planet 

And I do so every chance I get

I don't understand it at all

I know that I don't deal with my feelings very well 

And my head isn't always a nice place to be

I think my base level mood 

Is lower than most people

In that my usual mood tends to be on the low side 

I have a perpensity to be negative

My thoughts race

I would never speak to another person the way I talk to myself 

I am horrible to myself

My thoughts run around my head on a loop

And I go from zero to suicidal in seconds 

So the temptation to medicate myself and my feelings is strong 

I know I need to sort out my meds before it is reduced even more

I need to get stable

And to do that I need to cooperate with my doctor and Breda 

It's just so hard to tell them

But I know I have to

I feel like I have made a real mess of things recently

I need to get back on track

Before it all falls down around me 

Because I don't know how much more I can take 

Before I snap 

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Title taken from the popular Boom Town Rats song

In fact I do like Mondays 

It may even be my favourite day of the week

Let me explain

As you know

Monday is doctor day

Which means I've had no meds since Saturday 

As greedy guts addict over here overused on a couple of occasions

Sunday is a long day with no meds

No little sleeps to break up the day

No chance to opt out 

Or check off the planet for a while

By Monday morning

I can feel the withdrawal setting in

I can feel it in my bones

The yawning starts 

Why it always starts with yawning I do not know

There must be a reason 

But I don't know what it is

Then my nose and eyes start to run 

Usually I have my meds before it gets any worse

God forbid would it get any worse

So I made my way in the my doctor today

My usual doctor is away for a couple of weeks

So I got to see Nice Woman Doctor

Who I really like

She calls me in to her room

Big smile on her face

I settle on the seat

She tells me I look well

I balk at hearing this

As I always do

But manners prevail 

And I smile and thank her

She asks me how life is

The first thing that pops in to my head is the incident last Thursday

But I decide that she doesn't need to know that

And I tell her life is good

That I am starting a course in september

She asks me if its good to have my sister home

She knows my sister as she sees her too

I tell her it is 

Which is true

She also asks me if I am still blogging

I tell her I am 

Touched that she remembered 

She carefully writes my scripts

I thank her 

And leave

I go and collect my meds

Then go to meet my mum who is walking the dogs

I get to my car

And take my daily dose

Determined to get back on track

And take them properly

I know I need to get this under control

I have spoken to Mary about it in the past

And she has told my doctor

Who then put me on daily dispensing

That works 

As I have no temptation in the house

So when I have a weak moment

There are no meds to take

But he usually only leaves me on DD for a couple of weeks

And then it's back to normal

Getting weekly dispensing

I know I need to get this under control

Especially if I want to start my course

And stay clean and sober

As right now

I don't really think I can claim I am clean and sober 

Being clean sober means not using mind altering substances 

Living in reality

Living life on life's terms

Not using meds or dugs to escape feelings 

Being compos  mentis 

And I am definitely not doing that

In my defence 

These meds are prescribed

And I am supposed to take them

But in reality I am not supposed to take a double or triple dose

Hell even a single dose is too much sometimes 

It does not a clean and sober life make

I've stopped telling the professionals that I abuse my meds

I don't really see the point anymore

I talk about it at meetings from time to time

But in reality

I don't know if I want to stop

Despite being ok with the way things are

I have taken steps to help myself

Last week I called in to my local dog kennels and groomers

To see if they had any work going for the summer

Disappointingly they couldn't take me on due to high insurance costs

So I tried the pizzeria I used to work in

He said he would ring me if anything came up

And he seemed glad that I called in

So hopefully that will work out

I  think having a bit more structure in my day will help with the addiction side of things

At least I hope it will

Time is going so fast at the moment

The weeks just seem to fly by

As does my life 

If I am not careful 

I will wake up an old woman

And my life will be over 

I guess I need to find a passion

Outside of writing and blogging

I don't have a lot of hobbies

But I am so grateful to have blogging in my life

Three years later and I enjoy it more than ever 

I write every day

It may not always be riveting stuff

But it's part of my daily routine

Blogging has saved my life 

And my sanity over and over again

It's been such a force for good in my life 

I don't know where I would be without it

and you special ladies

So thank you for that

I was wondering about you

How long have you been blogging?

Why did you start?

How does it benefit you?