Tuesday, 8 March 2016


I'm almost a week purge free
And that is great
Nothing short of a small miracle
But I have to be honest
It's not easy
Not one little bit
I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks
I have one slice of toast in the morning
Maybe soup for lunch
And whatever is going for dinner
I would eat a big portion
As it wouldn't be staying down 
So it didn't matter how much I ate
But now 
I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions
And I must admit 
I have been avoiding carbs
As hey make me feel way too full
I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 
And now any amount of food is uncomfortable
I feel like I am eating 
But the food isn't going any where
It's just sitting in my gut 
Take yesterday for example 
We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner
I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 
No chips 
As I knew they would fill me up completely 
Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 
The whole evening long I felt so full
So bloated 
And so uncomfortable 
This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 
Because I couldn't handle the full feeling
And now I am feeling full all day
It's doing my head in!

Last night 
I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 
My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon
And use a hot water bottle 
The lemon drink did help
The discomfort subsided 
And it felt like the food was moving along
I went to bed early 
As I was wiped out
I woke up in the middle of the night 
And had the worlds longest wee
Then another one early morning
And another one when I got up
So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 
And the lemon drink helped my digestion
I knew this would happen 
I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day
And I know it will settle down 
When my body gets used to having food inside it 
I just need to be patient 
And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 
I am almost one third of the way there 
I have had horrendous cravings to purge 
To get the food out of my stomach 
To feel empty
But I am determined not to purge 
I have very valid reasons too
I want to keep my teeth in good shape 
I don't want to get an infection in my lip
I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 
And for my general health and 
Well being 
Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia
It's just not worth it 
And as for my weight
I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too
I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 
I feel like I am full of air
Like if you stuck a pin in me
I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 
I can't take much more......

Monday, 7 March 2016


I know I say it every Monday morning
But the weeks are just whizzing by
A bit too fast for my liking 
But as they say
Time waits for no man
Or something to that effect
Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 
We got my mum a candle and a mug
As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl
We had dinner in the house 
Then watched a movie
I hate Sunday's 
But as they go
It was a nice one 
Then up this morning for my appointment at nine
My sister was with me
As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor
I went to check in 
The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 
So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list
I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 
As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him
That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away
I followed her to her room
And took a seat
The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 
That I look more relaxed
And asked me how I was doing 
I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago
I filled her in about the horses 
The job I will start in May 
And going back to meetings 
She asked me how my food was going
I told her it was a lot better 
And haven't purged in a few days
Today is actually day 5
I miscounted yesterday 
The doctor filled out my script
And I went on my way 
My sister also had an appointment with her this morning
Straight after me 
So I headed up to the pharmacy 
The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave
I welcomed her back 
And tried to make conversation
But she was so cold
Answering in me word answers 
I got my meds 
And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 
My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week
I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 
For each of them 
It gAve a misreading
My clothes also don't feel any tighter 
And I don't think I look any different
So I'm thinking my scale is wrong
I mean 
Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?
I'm not so sure 
To be honest 
I don't mind gaining a little weight
I have a few pounds to play around with 
And anyway 
I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 
RAther than be underweight and miserable 
I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 
I used to
I used to like stick arms and legs 
A huge head on a tiny body
Big hollow eyes 
Sunken cheekbones 
Sharp collar bones and hip bones 
Looking like death warmed up 
I now prefer the curvy look
A bit of shape 
With soft curves and a healthy glow
I like when I gave a bit of weight on 
My boobs Are bigger
My thighs have shape
And my bum fills my jeans 
There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 
A healthy and happy woman
Being severely underweight
Is wearing your pain on your body
Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 
So we use our bodies to do it
No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 
I guaruntee you that
But I do wish that my weight would settle 
It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 
If it stayed in or around a healthy weight
Then at least I could get used to my body 
The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight
My goal weight in treatment was 54kg
Which just about puts me in the healthy range 
I'm a bit off that yet
To be honest 
I would be perfectly happy with that weight
And I think it's when I look my best 
My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 
And I'm not as comfortable at that weight
And I don't think it suits me
But in reality 
Weight does not matter 
The number does not matter 
As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 
Then I am doing ok 
I am ok 

I am loving my new piercing 
And the reaction it is getting 
I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 
And can't wIt to get another one done 
I'm not quite sure yet 
Maybe a few in my ear 
Or my belly button 
I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 
When I was on my twenties 
I was otherwise engaged 
What with a raging opiate addiction
And a life threatening ED
So effectively I missed my twenties 
And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do
It's fun 
It's exciting 
And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 
Happy Monday everyone
And see you on the next post....

Sunday, 6 March 2016

Day 3

Today is my third day purge free
I know it doesn't sound like a lot
And millions of people around the world manage to go their whole lives without purging
But to me 
This is huge
I haven't gone a a whole day without purging in years
I shit you not
They say a million mile long journey starts with a single step
And often that first step is the most difficult
I knew that if I went ahead with this piercing 
Then purging was just out of the question
I looked after my nose ring very carefully 
And managed not to let it get infected 
I'm sure oral piercings are more likely to infect 
And I'm sure rinsing it in stomach acid and regurgitated food is not very good for it
I've had to change my eating habits 
No binge food 
Which is a shame on one hand 
But a relief on the other 
My portions are smaller 
And to begin with
I am avoiding very filling foods like pasta and rice and potatoes
Hopefully i can introduce those foods at a later stage 
Today for example 
Is Mother's Day
So we are cooking at mums request
She opted for beef stir fry
So I will have a small portion of that 
I can't lie 
Over the last few days 
There have been times when I found myself heading to the bathroom
Out of pure habit
I've had to really be aware 
And physically stop myself from purging 
I miss the relief I get from purging 
The empty feeling 
I swear I feel full all day now
But I'm sure I'll get used to it

I'm loving my new piercing 
And loving people's reactions to it
I went to mass this morning with my Mum and my neighbour 
I got more than a couple of funny looks 
But that's ok
It's funny to me

Below are some close up photos 
So you can see it better 
In the first one the bar looks crooked 
But it's actually the way I'm holding my mouth 
Not the bar
What do you think???

Saturday, 5 March 2016


It's day one with my new piercing
I am carefully
Almost obsessively looking after it
I bought alcohol free mouth wash
To rinse my mouth twice a day
And also ear buds 
To clean it with salt and water
I am terrified of it getting infected 
So am being super duper careful
I've heard a couple of horror stories
About people who continued to purge after getting an oral piercing 
And went on to develop painful and unsightly infections
I am determined not to let that happen 
And haven't purged since Thursday
It's actually a really good motivator not to purge
So I have stopped bingeing 
And stopped eating anything that I usually purge
I am being careful and considered with my portions 
And stopping eating before I get uncomfortably full
Eating little and often 
And distracting myself after eating 

I'm glad I got the piercing done 
And am going to use it as a symbol
Of my stopping purging
I don't usually count my clean and sober time 
But having seen the benefits of counting my smoke free time 
Marking the first week
First month
First year 
I have started to count my clean time
Since Valentine's Day
It's good because the longer time you get 
The more you don't want to go back
So now I'm going count my purge free time 
Starting 3rd of March
The day before yesterday
Like a lot of things in my life 
Once I wrap my head around something 
I generally can do it 
I did it with cigarettes 
So why not purging?
It's just out of the question at the moment 
And that is a minor revelation

Reactions to my piercing have been varied 
My Mum is horrified
My nephew barely acknowledged it
I've had a couple of double takes from strangers this morning
I live in a small rural area
And there are not many tattoos or piercings to be seen generally
So yes 
I have the only pierced lip in the village 

The girl who pierced me was great
When I got my nose pierced 
The girl who did was just a little bit unhinged 
She spoke at a rapid rate
And told my sister and I some pretty personal stuff 
How ever 
She did a good job 
And that's the main thing
Lorraine was very professional
Answered all my questions 
I watched her prepare her tools 
She was very careful
And it seemed like she was very used to doing this 
Well I would hope so
It is her job after all
My sister and I chatted to her for a few minutes 
She said that piercings follow trends 
Just like any other item of fashion
She told us that intimate piercings are popular at the moment 
That she had done two the previous day
I had to ask her what exactly gets pierced down there 
'The hood' she replied matter of factly
That is going just a little bit too far for me
I draw the line at a nipple 

Once you get one done though 
It kind of makes you want more 
I can see how that would be the same with tattoos too
I would love to get my tongue done 
And my belly button 
And a few in my ear
I've wanted to get some piercings done ever since I was a teenager
Life intervened 
And I never got around to it
So now 
At the grand ol' age of 34
I am reliving my lost youth
Better late than never I guess
And the pain 
I was pretty much prepared for the pain 
Having had my nose done last year 
I figured my lip would be much more painful and bloody 
I sat on my hands so I wouldn't be able to pull her hands off me
Like I did last time 
I can't lie 
It was bloody sore 
And I did bleed 
And I did swell up
It looked liked I had been punched in the face 
I was actually shaking when it was over 
She asked me if I wanted to lie down for a few minutes
But I said I was ok

All in all 
I really enjoyed getting it done 
And grateful that my sister was with me 
It's exciting and fun to play around with my appearance 
Experimenting I guess
It's doing things that most people do in their teens and early twenties  
I'm enjoying it 
So why bloody not!

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
What piercings do you have ?
How painful did you find it?
Are there any other ones you'd like to get?
Inquiring minds want to know....

Friday, 4 March 2016

New piercing

I've had a tough couple of days
Yesterday I felt extremely angry
Which is unusual for me
I had a go at everyone
And was provoking my family to have a fight with me
Then I got really emotional and teary
My Mum and my sister were really concerned and thought something had happened 
But there we nothing wrong
At least nothing I could identify
I just felt so out of control
It was really scary
Especially not being able to attribute it to anything
But this morning
It all became clear
I got my period 
I was having PMP
Pre menstrual psychosis 
My Mum and sister said that I was being really irrational yesterday
Paranoid even 
It was horrible 

Today I was super excited 
As today was the day that I got my new piercing 
My sister and I travelled to the studio
Which is about half an hour from my house 
I was a little bit nervous 
Anticipating the pain
I figured it would be more painful than my nose
So I was trying to prepare myself 
There was a new piercer in the shop
Her name was Lorraine 
And she was lovely 
Very professional
But with a lovely way about her 
We chatted about my options 
And decided on a vertical bar through my lip
Lorraine prepared her tools 
And I sat on my hands 
So I wouldn't yank her hands away if it got too painful
It was all over very quickly 
But yes 
It was bloody sore 
I bled quite a bit too
And my lip swelled up nicely 
I looked in the mirror
And I have to admit 
It was a bit of a shock 
I wasn't expecting it to be so visible 
I thought the bar would be smaller 
But I do like 
My Mum and Dad are going to have a fit when they see it!

As I write this 
We are in the car on the way back
I keep checking my piercing 
Dabbing the blood away
I'll have to look after it carefully
And purging is out of the question altogether 

Enough with the words 
Here are the photos....

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Wednesday - My favourite day of the week!

And why is that I hear you ask
Wednesday is horse riding day
The day I look forward to all week long
My Dad is visiting for a couple of days 
And he wanted to see the equine centre
So he drove today
And my Mam and sister brought the dogs out
On the way 
We stopped at an ATM
So I could take out some money 
But no matter what amount I asked for
It kept saying 'Insifficient funds'
I immediately began to panic
My first thought was that my disability payment had been stopped for some reason
The social welfare office wasn't far away
But I decided to ring them instead
As I didn't want to be late for horse riding
I got through to a very helpful lady
Who informed me that there had been trouble with the banks 
And that the money should be in by tomorrow 
I was relieved that that's all it was
The last thing I need is for my disability to be cut 

We continued on 
And my Dad lent me the €15 for the lesson 
We arrived at 11 30am
Just in time 
I was on Star again
My bestie 
And today I was all on my own 
No one leading me 
Just me and Star
I loved it!
There was another horse in front of us 
And I think Star may have just been following him
But he did what I asked him to do
We trotted a lot
And generally had such great fun
The woman who does it with us said that I am flying it 
Which is nice to hear
I go feel very comfortable on the horse 
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid of falling 
And I can't wait until I start to canter 
And maybe do some little jumps
I can see how it helps with confidence 
As I already feel more comfortable on Star
And I hope he is at ease with me riding him
There are a few people around when we are riding 
And they are lovely 
I'm quiet 
It's obvious my confidence is low 
But I do my best to join in the chat 
It doesn't come naturally to me 
I'm sure it will get easier 
And I won't feel so crippled with anxiety
As ever 
The session was over far too quickly 
I paid 
And we headed off
We stopped off at the pet store on the way back
And picked up some doggy supplies 
Food and chewys 
Then hit the road for home

I'm always really tired after the horse riding 
But it's a nice tiredness
And my ass kills 
But again 
It's a nice pain
A pain where you know you've worked hard 
This really has the potential to be a life changer for me 
It's only my third week
And already I feel massive benefits 
It's better than any pill or potion
If I could just convince my Mam to get a horse.....

Tuesday, 1 March 2016


I'm just back from the local lunch time AA meeting
I'm actually really blessed where I live
Because it's a great base to get to a lot of different meetings
I love the lunch time ones
As waiting for the evening ones can make for a very long day
And the day time ones are a great way to kick off the day
I have to be honest though
More often than not
I am looking for excuses not to go
And don't really look forward to them 
When I do go
I am reminded why I need meetings 
I never regret going to a meeting 
And always feel really good afterwards
My first meeting ever 
Was in a detox ward when I was 19
I can still remember the warm and fuzzy feeling I had after the meeting 
That was 15 years ago
And since then I've been in and out of meetings more often than I care to remember 
I seem to stick to the following pattern 
I go to meetings 
I'm really enthusiastic and motivated 
I go to many in a week
And feel really good 
Then I start to pull away
To isolate 
And soon I have talked myself out of going to meetings at all 
So I go through months or years of not going 
Then I find my way back 
And the whole cycle starts again 

They say if you don't get AA
Eventually it will get you 
I also go to NA
So really I gave my pick of meetings 
The last time I was going to meetings 
I depended on one person
If they were going to a meeting 
I would go
And if they weren't going 
I wouldn't either 
I've learned it's not healthy to depend solely on one person
It's better to have many people 
A mixture of people 
And before 
I went to meetings for the wrong reasons 
I went to please others 
To get them off my back
I go because I want to go
Because I want to be clean and sober 
Because I want to be a better person m
And I want to stop hurting myself And others 
There is something very special about meetings 
Maybe it's the way people come together with a common goal 
Maybe it's the miracle that so many people have managed to stay clean and sober 
Maybe it's the energy of people wanting to recover 
Whatever it is 
It works 
And I need to stop fighting it
Stop digging my heels in 
And go with the process 
Easier said than done 

So yes 
I went to the lunch time meeting today
I didn't want to go
But my Mum offered to drive 
So I went 
The meeting is small but lovely 
I spoke last 
After the meeting 
A man came up to me 
And told me that I was doing great 
He told me to keep coming back 
And more will be revealed 
It was very nice of him
And he told me that before I know it
I will be helping others
I left the meeting on a high
High on life 
High on recovery 
Better than any drink or drug

What I took from today
Is that we need each other 
It's so important to connect with other people 
Especially those who are in the same position as we are
It's also important to have face to face connect 
Supporting each other through blogging is fantastic 
There is no doubt about that 
But we really need human contact too
We need to have a hug 
Have a chat over a cuppa 
And just be there for one another 
The world can be put to right over a cup of hot tea and a slice of cake 
The next time I don't want to go to a meeting 
I need to remember how good I am feeling right now 
And keep the momentum going 
I am feeling so grateful today 
Grateful to have AA in my life 
And to have friends within it
I'm grateful to be clean and sober
That my family are well
And in a good place 
I feel blessed to have this blog
And all of you my wonderful fellow bloggers
Life is good 
Life is sweet 
Let's live it to the best of our ability