Obsessed with my body - C4 Documentary

First of all

Apologies for the radio silence

And for worrying you

It wasn't an intentional thing not to post

But I did feel the need to be quiet for a couple of days

Thank you for your comments and emails of concern 

I am back....

I watched a show last night called Obsessed with my body

It was a documentary about vanity in males

And the explosion in fitness and health among young men

In the documentary 

Various young guys were interviewed

The camera followed one guy as he went about his daily routine

Spa treatments 

Followed by a hair do

During which the hairdresser asked him if he was going out that night

The guy said he wasn't 

That he was just going home to try n clothes

He admitted to taking hundreds of selfies a day 

And posted the ones he deemed good enough on social media 

During the documentary 

This guy went back to his home town to see his family 

He showed us his old school

Where he used to be bullied mercilessly 

His nose had been broken 

Twice 

It soon became clear 

That bubbling under the surface of this guys vanity 

Was a lot of hurt 

A lot of pain

And insecurity 

He admitted that he used his looks as a shield 

And seemed afraid to let anyone see the real him

He broke down in tears as he told us about his brother who had drowned 

My heart went out to him

The documentary also followed the huge fitness craze amongst men at the moment 

We were introduced to two cousins 

Who were in the process of trying to build  up a fitness empire on YouTube 

They have 8000 followers

And post inspiring videos

They were both in amazing shape

You can't deny that 

And they seemed like nice guys 

I just don't think it's healthy to put so much focus and emphises on looks

Then there was 16 year old Duncan

Duncan was from Scotland

A body builder 

We followed his story as he was competing in his first body building competition 

He worked hard at his fitness

And on the day of the competition 

He went to get his fake tan done 

The results were hilarious 

He was literally the colour of mahogany

But apparently they need to be dark while on stage 

So the lights pick up the definition on the body

The last guy who was interviewed

Spoke about his battle with anorexia

After some cruel

Comments from a class mate about his weight

This young guy stopped eating 

And lost 35 pounds in 3 months 

He is now weight restored 

And on the mend 

But it's taken blood, sweat and tears to get there 

I thought this documentary was eye opening 

Like a lot of people do

It's easy to forget that men worry about their bodies too

I think in my four years here on blogger

I have only ever come across one make blogger 

Who has since disappeared 

This also bears out in treatment 

Although the documentary stated that last year, 300 000 males in the UK were treated for eating disorders

In all my time in treatment 

I only ever met one male

As hard as it is to be a female with an ED

I fear it must be even more difficult to be a make suffering with an ED

EDs are historically seen a rich white girls disease

Of course this is a stereotype

And categorically untrue 

EDs do not discriminate 

And can effect anyone 

Any race 

Any gender 

Any age

It can happen to anyone 

No one is immune

A big craze at the moment is fitness

It's everywhere 

All over social media 

In magazines 

TV shows 

In this country 

There is a show called Operation Transformation

Where six members of the public try to change their lives by losing weight and getting fit 

And at the moment there is a noticeable increase in the amount of people out walking and running 

The shops are full of active wear clothing

There is also a campaign here to try as a nation to lose one million pounds 

Now I'm all for getting fit and healthy 

But there is a line 

A very fine line 

Where if you cross it

You become obsessed with it

It used to be mostly women who felt the pressure to tone up

But now it seems that men have the same, if not more pressure, on their shoulders 

Where males are concerned 

It seems it is the bigger the better 

Where as we girls seem to buy in to the idea that small is best

It's the thing that unites both men and women

We want to look out best

And our image has never been so important 

Because we put our lives on line for all to see

On Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

It seems that something didn't really happen 

Unless it was captured on camera 

And posted on Facebook 

They say a person makes up their mind about someone in seconds

We assess others in jig time

Their appearance 

Their body language

Their hair

Their clothes

We decide if they are some one we want to know

If we are attracted to them 

If we don't like them

And all before even speaking to someone

Everything is visual nowadays 

We take photos of everything

Our food

Our pets 

Our children

Our holidays 

Our outfits 

And we all look at everyone else's photos too

In a kind of a 'who has the best life?'competition 

When I was in rehab for the first time 

There was a pro boxer

Who got obvious reasons 

I will call The Boxer

He was bulimic 

And felt massive pressure to make weight

I can remember him at meal times

He would eat his own food

And anything you left on your plate

He was also a cocaine addict

And came in to treatment very thin

Almost doubled his body weight in four months 

I wonder how he is now

I think that images of models and very thin actresses and celebrities can exacerbate an ED

But I don't think they cause one solely by themselves

I think there are many factors that contribute towards someone developing an ED

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you come across many males in the ED world?

Was their experience different to ours?

Why do you think that we don't hear from a lot of men here on blogger?

Inquiring mind want to know....

Thin

I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekend

And I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'

It was dated last summer

About two weeks before my mothers retirement do

I had carefully printed my weight

And the amount of weight I wanted to lose

I vaguely remembered writing this 

My whole family were going to be at this do

And I really wanted to look my best 

I had an orange and cream dress picked out

And it just about zipped up

My BMI was about 22

I wasn't unhappy

But I felt I should lose weight

I'm not even sure why 

My weight loss never happened though

And I went to mums do the the exact same weight 

Now there are photos all over our house of that night 

And funnily enough

People always say that I look really well in those photos 

I look bright 

Healthy 

Alive 

Now?

Well not so much 

My BMI has gone down almost five points 

I'm pale 

Wan

Sick looking 

 I any happier now that I have lost weight?

I can categorically answer no to that question 

I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days ago

My sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begun

My memory is not great at the best of times 

Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant 

And she could remember back to last November

When I spoke about wanting to lose weight

Remember the navy trousers?

They seemed to be the trigger

But really

I think it started sooner than that 

I think as far back as my holiday in September 

Things were changing

My mood was slowly but surely heading south 

I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays 

Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medication

Which led again to low mood

And that cycle continued

The navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem 

So here I am 

26 pounds lighter

And not one iota happier

All I feel is a hole in my soul

My clothes don't fit 

My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained 

I feel tired 

So very tired

Tired of playing this game 

This illness

The never ending cycle of 

Get well

Relapse 

Get well

Relapse

I swear 

More than anything else 

I am God damned bored of this illness

I want more 

I want to live my life 

To me

This illness has put my life on hold 

I had been doing well 

I had begun to take control of my own life 

I know I can get back there again 

I really believe that I can

I've battled constantly for years 

To get to the point where most people start off

But that's ok 

I don't wish my life were different

It's made me strong 

It's made my family strong

In a strange way

It has brought us closer than we've ever been

But of course 

It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with 

But I'm doing ok

We are doing ok 

So

Where to from here? 

As always 

It's baby steps 

Work with Mary

Work on the purging 

Eat little and often

Get out of the house more

Allow myself to gain a little weight

And I know along with that Will come feeling better 

I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me 

To witness my attempts to loll myself 

Because that's what an ED is

A slow suicide 

Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that 

My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment 

My old anorectic self would love this

Not anymore 

I can see the worry in her eyes

And she has enough to deal with

Without having to worry about me

I know that my family feel helpless 

There is really nothing they can do to help me

Yes they are there 

And that is a huge support

But they can't force feed me

They can't stop me from purging 

I am a grown woman 

These are choices that I make 

And there is nothing anyone can do to help me 

You would think that I would have learned over time 

That thin does not equal happiness

But I keep falling for that line 

Hook, line and sinker 

I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on me

I am only beginning to look better then

In recent years 

I have been 28-35 pounds heavier

And felt a lot better for it 

At the moment 

I feel like the wAlking dead

And I've been a lot thinner than this at times 

I can't imagine how ill I must have been then

Anyway

In other news 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He reduced my methadone by 2mls

Down to 26mls

I couldn't think of a reason to argue with him

So I went along with it 

I told him about the job interview last week 

He told me about another patient he saw recently 

Who also went for the job

She was already a home help

Working in the community with the elderly 

So she would have a lot of experience 

I guess that's what I'm up against 

Others who have a vast knowledge of the job

I am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the job

But I do have a plan B

So all is not lost 

I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my area

Where they take people with mental health issues 

To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environment

So I am excited about that 

I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of work

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Really it's my ideal job

And getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus

So 

Lots to think about 

Lots to get excited about 

If nothing else the interview was good experience 

And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve on

I guess my health is a priority at the moment 

Physical and mental 

I trust that something for me won't pass me by 

I just need to keep my eyes and ears open 

Be positive 

Open minded 

And willing to learn 

I've come so far 

I'm not going to give up yet

Not by a long shot.....

New blogs?

I am always on the look out for new blogs

Fresh blood

New writers 

Different takes on ED and addiction

Of course I love and treasure all my regular readers and their blogs 

God knows you keep me going when I feel I can't

But so many gave left blogger over the last couple of years 

Friends that meant a lot to me and other bloggers

It makes me sad

I am just hoping that these bloggers left to live a rich and fulfilled life

And don't need the support of blogger anymore 

Our community has dwindled a lot recently

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing 

And of course 

I try to read a mixture of blogs

Some who are in recovery

Some who are not 

And some who are somewhere in between 

I like to read the whole story 

From start to finish 

So 

I'm asking you my lovely readers

Maybe you have a new blog

Maybe you know of some exciting new blogs that need a bit of help and support 

Let's welcome some new writers in to our little community 

Let's show what we are all about 

Helping each other get through the tough times 

Pulling each other up

Instead of down

I've read before that some new bloggers find it hard to become part of our community

Probably because we are so tight 

And so close 

I understand that 

When I first started writing almost four years ago

I was welcomed with open arms 

Blogger was buzzing with activity back then 

And I believe it can be like that again

We can make blogger in to that thriving, exciting place it once was

Are you with me?

We desperately need to preserve our community 

We need to make sure there is always a place for the bewildered

The suffering 

The struggling 

The disordered 

The lonely 

The scared 

Blogger has saved my life over and over again 

And I want to make sure it is around for future sufferers 

So if you have a blog

Or you know of some new blogs 

Do let me know 

And we will do our best to welcome them

The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview

I had so much anxiety

And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 

Sitting on that couch 

Waiting to be called in

Was beyond nerve wracking 

I haven't felt that anxious in a long time

I thought it was funny in the interview

When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'

All I could think was 

Seriously dude

You don't know the half of it

That CV was the PG version of my life

I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past

I guess I don't look like a typical addict

But then what does an addict look like?

Really it could be any of us 

The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 

The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 

The homeless man addicted to heroin

The young student who tAkes party pills 

Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds

There really is no typical addict 

Addiction knows no boundaries

It crosses gender

Age 

Creed

Religion 

It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday

My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs

I had bangers and mash

The others both had Turkey and Ham

It was delicious 

And very welcome on a cold winters day

When I got home 

I got straight in to my pyjamas 

And took my meds 

Lit a fire 

And cozied up on the couch for the evening 

The interview was running through my head 

Over and over again on a loop

By 10pm

I was starting to nod off

So I took mused off to bed

Read about three lines of my book

Before falling in to a deep sleep 

Today 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk

Honey elected to stay in her bed

I don't blame her 

Then we went and did the food shopping 

Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 

Now

I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day

I have nothing to do

And the whole day to do it 

The interview 

If nothing else

Was a great learning experience 

I learned that I have valuable experience 

That will be perfect, maybe not for this job

But for another job 

I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 

But can push through it and get the job done 

I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 

And hopefully 

Because of that 

I will be remembered

I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers

And sell myself, my qualities and experience 

I learned that I am not a waste of space 

That all my life experience has not been in vain 

That every little thing in my life 

Has made me who I am today 

And I'm starting to see 

That I am an ok person 

Yes

I have made monumental mistakes in my time 

Sometimes I do such stupid things 

That I think I need my head examined 

But 

I have learned from every mistake 

And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 

Because everyone deserves one 

Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 

That's life

That's human 

That's growing up

If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 

I would never get anywhere 

We have to let it go

We have to  forgive ourselves

Hope others can Too

And move on

I know that I'm not a bad person

Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 

In addiction 

I was cunning, sly, manipulative 

I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 

But most people are good

It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 

Yes, they are out there 

But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news

I have given up weighing myself 

I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore

I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 

It doesn't matter what I weigh 

It really doesn't 

As long as I am not drastically underweight 

Or drastically over weight

Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 

I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 

As my clothes fit the same

I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top

As most of them are too big for me now 

So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 

I know the too skinny look is not a good one 

Health wise or aesthetically 

So I'm going to use the moderation approach 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation

That sounds like a good plan to me

And anyway 

Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 

And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks

Thanks for reading and supporting my blog

See you on the next post...

The Interview

It's Thursday evening

My interview was at 3pm

All I can say is 

Thank God that it's over

I spent a good two days preparing 

Researching the company

Having typical questions ready to go

I had picked out an outfit of a blue shirt, black trousers and a grey jacket that sinched in at the waist

But when I tried it on in the morning

My mum said that it made me look very thin

So I reverted back to the original black jacket which at least gave me a bit of shape

I spent yesterday morning going over all the information I had gathered

Put myself together as best as I could

But needless to say

I was very nervous

I decided not to take my mega until after the interview

As I wanted to be fully awake and alert

The weather was atrocious as we were leaving to go to the interview

My mother drove 

As my car is full of dog hair

I had to put a bigger coat on

As it was freezing 

We arrived at the interview about ten minutes before 

I made my way inside 

And sat on the couch outside the meeting room

I took my bigger coat off

I also had a small bag

So I was trying to sit myself in a position where it would be easy to grab both

And still have a hand free to shake hands with the interviewers

So I put my jacket and bag over my right arm 

But then realised that I shake with my right hand

So I moved all to my left arm

And literally perched on the edge of the seat

Ready to go

The previous applicant came out of the room

An older woman with, yes you've guessed it, a black suit

It seems you were right about the black suits Louisa

The manager popped her head out and said she would be with me shortly 

I was practically off the seat by this point 

Just wishing it was all over 

Two minutes later 

I was called in 

The manager introduced me to the two other interviewers

I couldn't tell you who they are

Or what their names are 

I didn't hear a word that was said 

I was so busy trying to sit down and not have a complete panic attack

The male interviewer started 

He told me about the position 

The pay

What's expected of an employee

He then turned to my application

'You've led a very interesting existence' he said 

I laughed a nervous chuckle 

We went through my work history

The dancing 

The pizzeria 

The bank

I also mentioned in my form about my writing

The man seemed very interested in my blog

And what, how and why it worked

I hope my passion and enthusiasm came across in what I do

One of the ladies asked me do I write under a nom de plume

Thankfully I knew what she was talking about 

Because I could easily have forgotten given the stress of the situation

They also asked what I could bring to the job

Do I work well as part of a team

Have I ever been in a crisis 

How did i deal with it 

Dealing with difficult people

Was there anything in my previous jobs 

I thought I could improve on

Fortunately

I had spoke to a friend who works in this area

And he really helped with 'buzz words'

I tried to speak slowly and clearly

Make good eye contact

And generally show that I am a capable and able person

Who puts 100% in to everything I do

Thankfully 

The interviewers didn't pick up on a couple of gaps in my work history

I did allude that my blog was about health and lifestyle 

But they asked no more about that 

As the interview progressed

I did relax a little 

I hope my personality came through

And I came across well

I tried to sell myself to the best of my ability

Which does not come naturally to me

As an Irish person

We are notoriously bad at putting ourselves out there

And showing what we can do

We are taught from a young age to be humble in the regard

So it is difficult in an interview 

At times

I felt like I was repeating myself 

But some of the questions were similar

So I hope that's ok

Before I knew it

It was all over 

They asked me if I was happy with the interview

Which I was 

They also mentioned that I don't have a lot of experience in this industry

And I guess that has stuck in my mind 

I did tell them about helping my elderly neighbour 

So hopefully that will go some way to helping my case

And that was it 

I thanked them

And The manager walked me out

On my way out the door I saw the next candidate 

An older man 

I was starting to wonder if I had a chance at all

Maybe they were looking for someone more mature 

I don't know

They said they will let me know one way or another next week

I got back in to the car

And my mum and I headed to a local pub 

To meet my sister for dinner

I was still wound up after the interview

I was thinking of things that I could and should have said

Going over what I did say

Did I say enough?

Was I babbling? 

Did I make any sense at all?

I would have loved some feedback from them

But I guess I can request that after I find out if I got the job or not

I had to go through the whole thing three times

Once to mum

Then to my sister 

Then my Dad who phoned while we were at dinner

Oh I forgot to say

Mary sent me a good luck text this morning

Which was so nice of her 

Everyone around me was a brilliant support 

My family 

Friends 

And you 

Who even though I have never met any of you

I felt your love and support every step of the way

So that's it

Done and dusted 

I've done all I can do 

I just have to let go of the stress and nerves

If I get it

Brilliant

If I don't

On to the next thing

And learn from this 

That was my first interview in years

So if nothing

It was a good experience 

Thank you for your continued support

You guys have been nothing short of amazing

I'd be lost without you

Preparation

So 

My interview is tomorrow at 3pm

And all systems are go to prepare for it

I sat down with my sisters and mum yesterday evening 

And went over possible questions that I may be asked 

I jotted them all down

And I also researched the charity

So I will know if I am asked

It actually seems like a really great organisation

Founded here in Ireland in 1844

They are the largest voluntary organisation

Their main goal is to help individuals and families alleviate poverty

It's such a force for good

And is something I would love to be involved in

I also rang a guy I know 

Who works in the same area

He was a great help 

And gave me some insider knowledge 

As well as key buzz words that interviewers look for 

Last night 

I sorted out my outfit 

Louisa suggested that I not wear the typical interview uniform

Black blazer

Black slacks 

And a white shirt 

This is a safe bet 

But as Louisa pointed out 

Everyone will be wearing that 

And it might be good to wear something else 

Just so I stand out 

I have a navy blue dress I could wear 

But I will make a final decision later on today

My sister pointed out that interviewers want to see personality 

And I hope I come across friendly yet professional 

Capable and able 

With a can do attitude

I hope I can show that I work well on my own and can use my initiative 

But also work well as part of a team

And can take direction well

I want to show that I am a good all rounder 

My sister alwAys says

If you wAnt something done

Ask Ruby

Because I am quick and efficient 

And get the job done 

So if I could manage to get that in

That would be great

I guess I want to sell myself 

But not come across as arrogant or over confident

Balance me thinks 

If I can communicate that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

I minght just have a chance 

 

Now it's just a waiting game 

Keep going over my notes 

Keep hoping that  I do well

Keep fighting for a better life

Interview!

I've been keeping an eye on the post this week

Hoping to hear something from the job

I was convinced that I wouldn't even get an interview

But today I got a letter

Telling me that I've been short listed for the interview

Which is on Thursday at 3pm

You guys 

I am so excited 

So grateful to have the chance to make a case for myself in person 

Now I have some work to do before Thursday

I have to find an appropriate outfit

I'm thinking slacks, white shirt, blazer and small heeled shoes 

I'll sort that out later 

And will show you photos so you can give me some feedback

I also want to go over some questions that they are likely to ask

And maybe do some research about the charity and the place itself

This is huge for me though

I haven't done a job interview in years 

But any job I have ever gone for, I have been successful 

Granted I may be a little rusty now

But I will give it my best shot 

That's all I can do

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you have any tips for interview?

Do you think I should take out my nose ring?

What would you wear to an interview?

What do you think employers look for in a candidate?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated