Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers

I wish you a very happy Easter

I am still away 

My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow

My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea

I hate to leave them

But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 

My sister absolutely loves them 

So I know they will be well looked after

Still

That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are

After visiting the horses yesterday

We headed back in to town

And I went back to Topshop

Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 

Photos of that to follow...

We went back to the house then

Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 

Before heading out to dinner

The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper

It was so busy 

And there was a real buzz about the place

We took our seats 

Ordered drinks 

And had a look at the menu 

There were a few things I liked the look of

The beef stroganoff 

Lentil and sweet potato curry

And pork belly 

In the end

I went for the stroganoff 

Mam had the veg casserole

And my uncle had the chicken

Mine was yummy 

I ordered a side of mash with it 

Mash is like my favourite food

And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 

Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 

And as I made my way through it 

It began to make me feel sick

So I stopped there 

After 

My uncle I shared an apple pie

Whic was also very good

And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 

So that was nice 

He then went out to the pub

And my mother and I went home

I watched TV for a while 

Before heading to bed

I was asleep in seconds 

So 

Today is Easter Sunday 

I'm not sure what we are doing today 

But I'm sure it will be something good

This part of the country is wildly beautiful

So many lovely beaches

And walks

It's nice to get away for a couple of days 

Although I am a home bird 

A change of scenery can be a tonic 

My uncle is great to stay with

Very laid back and relaxed 

I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 

I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 

To eat intuitively 

Eat when I'm hungry 

Stop when I'm full

No purging 

And no obsessive body checking 

As Mich and a few others pointed out

My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED

It's one or the other 

I can't have both 

And if I had to choose 

I would choose my dream life any day of the week 

So

It's down to me to put the wheels in motion

And start working towards those dreams 

I can just picture it

An old stone house 

With a half barn door 

Dogs running out to greet you

Maybe chickens and hens in the back 

A field with two donkeys 

Shelley and Jessie 

And of course 

Space for a couple of horses 

I would just be in heaven 

And the thing is

It's not a million miles away 

It's very possible

Very attainable 

As long as I stay well and healthy 

And I want to 

I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?

Donegal

Today my uncle, my Mum and I

All headed out to my uncles friends house

He is a former dentist

And him and his wife keep horses

I wasn't able to ride on this occasion

But I was still super excited to see their place

The house was about ten minutes outside of the town

A beautiful stone affair

And I could see the stables to the right of the house

We rang the bell

The door was one of those half barn doors 

Too cute

The man answered and ushered us in to a beautiful old fashioned country kitchen

Where a little dog called Eddy greeted us very enthusiastically 

We were introduced to his wife who was having her lunch 

And then went out the back door

And up to the stables 

They have six horses

And what majestic creatures

These were huge animals 

My little Star looks positively small beside them 

We were shown around 

The stables 

The horse solarium

The horse spa 

The horse exerciser

Oh yes 

These people are hard core horsey folk

It was all fascinating 

I could have stayed there all day

After looking around 

We retired back to the kitchen for tea and cake 

Before we hit the road again

Truly though

I fell in love with the place

That is my dream

To live surrounded by animals

To work with them

Play with them

Just to be around them

Would be my idea of heaven

Anyway

Enough words

On to the photos......

Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travel

We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 

I started packing two day ago

I love packing 

I love sorting out clothes to wear 

Mixing and matching different outfits

I always bring too many clothes

And usually I buy a couple of things 

So my case is bursting on the way home

We arrived her at about 3 30pm

Dropped our bags off at the house

And then walked in to town

I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 

So I had a look in a couple of shops

And tried on a few

Usually I am my usual impulsive self 

And buy something 

But today I couldn't make a decision

And so left the shops empty handed 

We retired to a coffee shop

For tea and a bun

Later on we went out for dinner 

In a local hotel 

I had a burger and chips

But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest

I did enjoy the company and the chat though

After food

We headed back to the house

To relax

And watch some TV 

A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post

She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight

Is directly linked to my mood

I had to read the post a couple of times 

And had a think about it 

I think she has a point 

Last summer 

I was doing well

I felt good 

I wasn't weighing myself 

I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 

I was the happiest I had been in a long time 

So 

The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 

And focus on being healthy 

Instead of being thin 

I've done it before 

There is nothing to stop me doing it again 

Nothing except myself 

And I am notorious for getting in my own way

Trying on clothes today

Looking in mirrors 

I don't hate what I see

I don't particularly like it 

But I don't hate it 

I can live with it 

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 

Of hating myself 

Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness

I give up 

I'm done trying to win this war

I'm walking away

I'm giving up

That is not to say I'm giving up on life

Not at all 

I'm giving up this God for saken battle 

This war of wills

The only way the ED wins 

Is if I die

I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 

Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette

I don't want this life of guilt and shame 

I just want to live a normal life 

My dream is to have my own place in the country 

A small field where I can keep donkeys 

A house full of dogs 

When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 

The size I am doesn't come in to it 

I don't think about my dream life clothes size

I think about things that feed my soul 

Not about what clothes size I fit in to

Does anyone?

I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 

Who keep horses

And work with people including autistic kids 

I'm hoping to ride too

If they can fit me in

I spoke to my nephew yesterday 

He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 

To help with the pony camp

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 

Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me

And I'm loving that 

It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch

And venture in to the big wide world 

If we just life our heads 

Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 

And start looking at the world around us 

If we look to our fellows

Instead of naval gazing 

And reach out 

Instead of closing in

I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense

I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath

And stick my head in the oven 

Only joking 

But only just

I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to

See you on the next post....

Away

My Mum and I are away this weekend 

Not too far though

We are staying with my uncle who lives about 90 minutes north

I am still struggling with my bloggers block

My struggle seems somehow insignificant at the moment 

And I am tired talking and writing about myself 

I'm sure this will pass

It's just a phase 

Sometimes I am blogging enthusiastically every day

Other times it's good to be silent

And right now

I feel like I have nothing of any importance to say or write 

Please bear with me 

I will be back

I promise you that 

Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week

I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block

I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together

And I've been avoiding blogger 

There isn't anything wrong as such 

I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 

I feel really tired 

Emotional 

Not present in my own body or mind 

I feel like I don't fit in 

Anywhere 

Not in my own family 

Not at the meetings 

The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 

I just feel so at home 

And so free when I am up on Star

Like nothing else matters at that moment 

As you know 

I ride with a group of MS sufferers 

And we all leave our troubles at the door 

And just have fun 

Enjoy each other's company

As well as the horses 

There is such a lovely atmosphere there 

And everyone has a lovely time 

Next week 

I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 

And my nephew is coming with me too

We are going to work for the day 

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 

When I forget about my troubles 

Things are tough 

I saw Mary this morning 

It was a long and tough session

We covered a lot 

Family issues

Food 

And of course weight 

She weighed me 

I didn't look 

But then as always 

I asked her what it was 

I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 

Even though it's small amount 

I still had a bad reaction to it 

And immediately began to withdraw and close up

Mary is convinced it's muscle 

As I am a lot more active 

It could be I guess 

But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 

It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo

It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 

And spin out  of control 

We talked about my anxiety around numbers 

They are just numbers Mary said 

But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long

It's hard to escape that prison

That rigid way of thinking 

And the thing is 

Before Mary weighed me this morning 

I felt alright in my body

I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 

And I felt I looked something approaching decent 

It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 

Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How you made peace with the numbers in your life?

If yes

How did you do that?

Do you think we should weigh in recovery?

Why do you think that ?

Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday

Apologies for the radio silence over the past few days

Life intervened

And I just didn't get a chance to write

Also I didn't really want to write

I wrote a post on Monday

And promptly deleted it

If you did read it 

You will know that my Mum was diagnosed with osteoporosis this week

In her spine and hips 

I deleted the post as I felt I needed to process the information before writing about it

This news has come as a bit of a shock

My Mum had a bone scan done a few weeks ago 

And on Monday she got the results

I went to speak to her

And she looked really shook

I asked what was wrong 

She said nothing 

But I knew there was something 

Eventually 

She told me that she had received some bad news

That she had just got off the phone from her doctor 

And she informed Mum that she has osteoporosis 

It was a real shock

And I could see from Mum that she had not expected it either 

We sat in silence for a while 

Neither of us sure what to say or do 

I asked about treatment 

And Mum had been told she could get an injection twice a year that would help manage it

Also diet and exercise 

The doctor recommended that Mum join a gym 

And practise weight bearing exercises 

So at least there are things she can do to help herself 

All is not lost

So yea 

I haven't much felt like writing the last few days

Don't worry though 

I'm not going anywhere 

Sometimes it's good to take a break

Take a step back and look at things from a distance 

I know I don't need to tell you how much much my Mum means to me

She is my life 

The one who never gave up on me

Only for her 

I have no doubt I wouldn't be here

But this is life 

We live 

We grow up 

Grow old 

Get ill

Time waits for no man

Or woman

Again 

I'm sorry that I left you hanging 

It's just a difficult it time at the moment 

I'm sure you understand 

Gaining....

I was in the supermarket the other day

When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 

She reached out to my face 

And said I looked like I was filling out

I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me

I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit

I smiled 

And said thank you 

I don't know why I thanked her

But I couldn't think of anything else to say

I moved on 

The smile still plastered on my face 

And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 

But you know what?

It never happened 

The shit storm never happened

I registered the words for what they were 

Someone wanting to give me a compliment 

Someone being kind

And acknowledging that I am getting well

If someone had said that to me a year ago

I would have just lost my shit altogether 

It wouldn't have just ruined my day

It would've ruined my whole life 

But 

This time 

This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended

And that my friends 

Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 

I've just been going how I feel 

My clothes still fit 

I don't feel like they are too small or too big 

And I've been feeling pretty ok

But 

This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 

So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 

Stripped 

And tentatively stepped on

The numbers flashed 

Then settled

BMI : 18

I can handle that 

I can live with that 

I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 

Give or take a few pounds 

How I wish that I didn't give a shit

How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me

That the scales was not the be all and end all 

How I wish I liked and accepted my body

My self 

Even just part of myself 

I don't know you guys 

I hope it gets  better 

Tell me it does

Promise me....