Sunday

It was this morning

The same as any other Sunday morning

Except the clocks had gone forward 

And confused me so I had got up an hour earlier than I would normally

I watched tv for a while

And drifted in and out of sleep

I finally managed to wake up at about 10am

Got myself together 

And brought the dogs for a walk

It rained 

We got soaked

And headed back to the house

Marie texted

We arranged to meet at the lunch time meeting

I changed my clothes

And got ready for the meeting

Jumped in my car

And headed off

I think a lot when I drive

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about

I know I was driving through the village

Mass was just over and there were air of people milling about

Cars pulling in and out

I was driving slowly 

Was just driving by a junction

When I saw it

A green jeep

There are a lot of green jeeps around where I live

And everytime I see one my heart stops

I scanned the registration plate

It was his

My heart now started to palpitate 

He was at the junction

So I drove right by his eyeline

I didn't look to see if it was him

I knew it was

I wanted to put my foot down and get the hell out of there

But the car in front of me slowed to a crawl

It seemed to take forever for me to drive past

I don't know if he saw me

I don't really care

But by the time I got to the meeting 

I was a mess

I had to sit in my car for a couple of minutes

And just breathe

And calm down

I managed to compose myself

And headed in to the meeting 

I guess it was bound to happen 

I was bound to run in to him sooner or later

In reality we frequent the same villages and towns

This is a small area

It was always going to happen

But still

I wasn't prepared for it

And it rattled me something serious

Just knowing that he is around unsettles me

But how and ever

It happened 

I survived 

I'm sure it will happen again

And I will survive that too

In other news

I reconnected with an old friend yesterday

When I first moved here

I used to attend meetings regularly

I mentioned in my last post that I was friendly with two of the men

One of the men in particular became a family friend

I guess he was like a sponsor to me really

We were friends for years

But I went of the rails

And pulled away from him and all my friends

I've spoke to him maybe a couple of times in the last few years

And yesterday I rang him

He didn't know who it was at first

I kept him guessing 

When he heard me speak

He knew then

It was so good to speak to him

And he was delighted to hear from me

We arranged to meet tomorrow and then get a meeting in

He's someone that I want in my life

So I am doing ok

Keeping close to good friends

Getting a lot of meetings

Staying out of trouble

I'm trying

And that's the main thing

Saturday

Another day 

Another meeting 

Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 

Just for a change

And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know

I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer

And started going to meetings pretty much straight away

Mostly NA

But there were only two a week back then

Now there's one most days

Back then there was very few women at the meetings

Do I used to hang around with the men

There were two men in particular that I was very close to

They were in their fifties 

But I got on great with them

One especially became a family friend 

And was a great support to my mother also

Over time o drifted away from the meetings

And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm

And we headed in to town

We arrived a few minutes late 

And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs

I recognised a couple of faces straight away

And whispered hello

It was only when I looked around

That I realised that it was all males

I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting

I was going to ask 

But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with

His name is Damien

Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together

It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia

I remember Damien calling up to me every evening

He would bring the paper

And we would do the crossword

We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes

Him pushing me in my wheelchair

And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 

Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones

He was a great friend

But again

We drifted apart

I was slipping and sliding

And he moved on

It was so good to see him last night

We had a big hug

And a quick catch up after the meeting

He asked about my mum

And the dogs

And we laughed about old times

It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas

And they were young guys too

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak

But I did it 

I shared about where I am at

And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 

When he was sharing

He said it was really good to see me

He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me

I could feel the anxiety in me rising

I remember that meeting

I shared something with him that I really regret

I won't go in to what I said 

But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position

I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 

But he obviously hasn't

It made me feel super uncomfortable

 

Apart from that

It was a great meeting

I really got a lot out of it

It was so lovely to see some familiar faces

And so good to the amazing recovery that people have

I want that 

I want to be well so badly now

They say in meetings

That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking

I can honestly say now

 That I have that desire 

And the more meetings I go to

And the more I listen to others share

It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do

And I am on the right path

I just feel so blessed

And so very lucky 

To have been given this second chance

And if a relapse was what it took to get me here

Then I can honestly say that it was worth it

They say everything happens for a reason

I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 

It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time

One guy had a year

And everyone clapped

Then I was asked how long I was clean

I said three weeks

And everyone clapped and said well done

I know three weeks isnt a long time

But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings

And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways

My head is a much nicer place to be 

I feel so much more positive

I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this

I have no cravings

No urge to drink or use

No desire to contact The Boy

He now seems like a distant memory

I have hope now

Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction

Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be

A good person 

A person who does the right thing

Someone you can rely on

And also the social side of meetings is great

I'm meeting so many people

And that is great for me

I was spending so much time on my own

That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people

To chat

To laugh

To identify and relate

To connect

To hug 

You can't beat that feeling 

And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family

They can see that I am making the effort

And although they might not fully trust me yet

They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting

She really has been such a good friend to me

When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me

She was always there

Never gave up on me 

That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her

I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people

Crazy people

Junkies 

Trouble makers

I now see that it was because like attracts like

I have out those vibes

And so attracted those types of people

But now the opposite seems to be happening

I seem to be attracting good people

Honest people 

And that is amazing 

It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out

That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 

As quickly as life can go down hill

It can also turn around just as fast

I feel hopeful now

Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track

I have been through a lot in my 33 years

I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I believe my struggles have a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet

But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing

Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting

And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it

It's a good day today

It good to be alive and kicking

To feel good in myself

Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling

I hope I can do it

I think I can 

I really think I can 

Anyone out there?

My goodness the blogosphere is quiet these days 

Do you find that?

Hardly any new posts pop up in my reader

And it seems more and more people are abandoning their blogs 

I still wonder what happened to Rayya?

Winter?

Thinderella?

And so many more

I'm wondering why it's so quiet at the moment 

I mean is it just a lull?

Or is blogger old news?

Is Instagram and Twitter more popular these days?

I guess people prefer to look at photos

Rather than read a body of text

And here in our little ED corner of the blogosphere

We are all about the story

More so than photographs

Do you find it quiet at the moment?

Why do you think that is?

Neighbours

I think I mentioned recently that one of my neighbours died 

An elderly man

Now his wife is left alone

I call over a few times a week to run some errands for her 

And walk her dog 

Yesterday she asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from the shop in the village

I collected the items today

And called over to her

Her hearing is quite bad 

She doesn't hear the doorbell

So usually I give a loud knock 

And let my self in

I walked through the living room

And in to the kitchen 

She had her back to me

And got a bit startled when I said her name

Just then I realised what she was doing

She was pouring herself a glass of white wine

It was 10 30 am

I didn't know what to do

So I said nothing 

And acted like I hadn't seen anything

Then she told me she was planning on driving to the church down the road

I became worried as it is dangerous for her to drive at all

Never mind when she has drink on her

This makes me worry

I've known for some time that this woman and her husband like to drink

A lot

They met in AA over 20 years ago

But some where along the road 

They started drinking again

The woman was hospitalised a couple of years ago due to complications from drinking

She was in hospital for months

It was nothing short of a miracle that she pulled through

There has been trouble in that house over the years

Disruption

The guards were called numerous times

They often injured themselves from falling over while drunk

And then a couple of months ago 

The husband suffered a stroke

His wife didn't call the ambulance until three days later

As she though he was slurring his words and having trouble moving because he was drunk

He was hospitalised

And died six weeks later 

Now the woman is on her own

Her mind is sharp

But her body is old and weary

She really can't afford to be drinking

If something happens to her

If she falls or passes out 

There is no one there to help her

It's really very worrying

This is the ugly face of addiction

This is what happens when it gets a grip on someone 

All common sense and logic goes out the window

And the drink or drug takes over

If I need a reminder of the damage that addiction does

I need look no further than in to this woman's house

She is very much on her own 

No one ever calls to her house

She rarely seems to see her family

It's a sad and lonely existence 

Today is Day 5 for me

I got to two meetings yesterday 

An AA at lunch time

And an NA last night

It was my first NA meeting

And what a breath of fresh air it was

It was a small meeting

Four guys and me

I was so warmly welcomed back

Which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I just have such a good feeling about this

About recovery 

My meetings 

And the people in them

I have an instinct that I am on the right path

That if I keep recovery focused

Then I can get my life back on track

When I was using

I was behaving so out of character

So shady

Lying 

Cheating

Sneaking

Plotting and planning

Ducking and diving

Trying to hide it from my family

The tension in the house 

The worry on my mothers face

No drug is worth that 

No drug is worth my peace of mind and my families too

Now I am getting back on track

My family can breathe a sigh of relief

They don't fully trust me yet

That will take time 

And I understand that

I am willing to do the work

One day at a time 

I've had to stop weighing myself

It was becoming a bit of an obsession

And anyway 

I've been the same weight for the past few months

Give or take a kilo 

I'm not entirely happy with my weight 

I would love to be 5 - 6 pounds less

But I can live with this weight

Just about

So I am in a pretty good place 

My head is a quiet place today

I'm working hard to stay well 

To keep steady 

To stay clean and sober

To nurture my relationships

And earn back trust 

I was saying last night 

That maybe it took this relapse to get me back on track

And if it did 

Then it was so worth it

I regret nothing it's made me the person I am today 

And that person is not a bad person 

I will get a meeting in tonight 

And a couple over the weekend 

I'm actually looking forward to it

And that my friends

Is a freakin' revelation!

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5

But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3

I got to the lunch time meeting today 

And will go to the 7pm NA this evening

Which will be my first NA meeting

It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to

Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 

And it's great to start the day off on a good start

Chicken soup for the soul

I know I would go everyday if they were on

But I get to about 3 or 4 a week

And that is great

It was a small meeting today

Just six of us

Creepy man was there 

So I did my best to avoid him

It was a lovely meeting

Some people were talking about nature and animals

So when it was my turn

I shared about Honey and Lea

And how much they have helped me

I also spoke about Lea 

And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital

And then grew back when I began to recover

So I really enjoyed the meeting

I am getting used to speaking in front of others

And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary

To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment

I am disappointed

But hopefully will get to see her next week

It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back

It really was non existent

I felt so low in myself

Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself

I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake

That I hurt everyone around

A burden

A no good

Eating disordered

Drug addicted

Useless

Waste of space

I really thought I had nothing to offer

That I was bad through and through

Bad to the bone

But you what I am starting to realise?

That I am not a bad person

I never was

Yes

I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 

If there was a stupid Olympics 

I would win gold every time

But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 

Was me

Now that I am clean and sober

I know that deep down 

I am inherently good

I want to do the right thing

I don't want to hurt myself or others

I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make

Almost three weeks ago

My world came tumbling down 

As my family found out about my using 

It rocked them to the core

My mother, my sister and I

Stood in my bedroom

Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house

And my refusing to do it in front of them

I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset

It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks

And things are a lot better

As quickly as things can go downhill

The can also turn around just as quickly

I fought with myself for so long about meetings 

And struggled to accept that I needed them

I wanted to do things my way

The Ruby way

It might have worked in the short term

But if I want a life free from drink and drugs

Then I need to have some sort of plan

And meetings are a good plan

I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective

Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts

Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope

We sit and share

About our lives

And our addiction 

And most importantly about out recovery

I always come out of a meeting re energised 

And full of hope

They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long

I bobbed along 

On my own

Running on the fumes of recovery 

Holding on by my finger nails

It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms

But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now

A chance of a good life 

Free from drink and drugs

And all the bullshit that goes with them

There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 

She is right 

Those seats are precious 

And not to be taken for granted 

I just feel very grateful today 

For meetings

For my family 

My friends 

And my dogs

As they say

Count your blessings slowly

And one at a time 

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out

90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think

I was due to go to an evening meeting last night

But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 

And I didn't want to drive

So today is Day  3

And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday

Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while

I can already feel the benefits

My mood has lifted

I'm not craving a drink or drugs 

My head is clearer

The committee isn't as loud

I'm being more sociable

And my family have noticed too

I'm not so moody

Or irritable

Dare I say it

I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news

I am seeing Mary today!

She rang me last week to arrange an appointment

And I am super excited to see her

For those of you that don't know

Mary is my ED therapist

I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut

But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position

And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life

Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen

I've seen many over the years

And most have tried to help

But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today

Which I am not looking forward to

When I last saw her

I was bordering on a healthy weight

But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me

I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight

My weight is stable at a BMI of 20

And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning

For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight

I am ok with it

I'm not ecstatic about

I would love to weight five pounds less

But I accept this weight

And I am not actively trying to change it

But still

It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country

We are known for our drinking

That's a stereotype

But we do as a nation drink a lot

However 

Over the last few years 

Another craze has taken off

And that is fitness

In all forms

Running

Walking 

Jogging 

Cycling

Spinning 

Yoga

Pilates 

Cyclists regularly use our road 

And there are many  MAMILS

( Middle aged men in Lycra)

Now every where you look 

There are people kitted out in running gear

The colourful trainers

Tight black running leggings

Head bands

Hats

And of course headphones

They are everywhere

I see them when I walk my dogs 

When I look out my window

Buying healthy food in the supermarket

Going in to/ coming out of the gym

Oh yes

This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 

Only that I have two dogs

I probably wouldn't walk every day

I tried running a couple of times

And hated every second of it

I don't wear proper work out clothes

And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 

When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans

And my high tops

I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?

I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in

To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers

And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra

I feel the pressure to start jogging

To move more 

And eat less

I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny

Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 

Which is more preferable to bring thin

But there is still pressure to conform 

I definitely feel it

But I know I have to be careful

As my ED can take over

And obsession kicks in

I guess a lot of us have to watch that

It would be nice to find a happy balance

To exercise for enjoyment and health

And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you

Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?

Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?

Do you exercise now?

I'd love to know 

Sobriety?

This comment was left on my blog yesterday

Sobriety? How many mls of methadone are you on again?

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls

And shouldn't give this person any more attention

I should really ignore and move on

I shouldn't let this person get to me

But I have 

And I take issue with this comment

Anonymous I think you know exactly how many mls of methadone I am on

26

I know that technically I am still dependant on a drug

I am also on various other medication

They have all been prescribed to me by my doctor

It's not like I am buying these drugs on the street

And taking them as I see fit

My meds are dispensed daily 

And I don't abuse them in the way that I used to

Methadone seems to polarise people

You either agree with it

Or you don't

Methadone has a bad reputation

It conjures up images of pale vacant junkies

'The walking dead' as one newspaper here called them recently

Methadone means trouble to a lot of people

And like any group of people

There are always some bad eggs

But there are also people like me

People who use it correctly

And are working to come off it completely

I'm not a trouble maker

I don't sell my methadone

Yes I messed up recently

But I am doing my level best to get back on track

Maybe in your eyes I am not clean anonymous

But I am as clean as I can get right now

Yes, I am physically dependant on methadone

But isn't that miles better than being addicted to heroin

Existing in that murky under world of addiction

I'm not committing crimes to get my drug

My life is not chaotic or unmanageable

For the most part I am stable

I am steady

I am doing the best I can

I've been getting quite a few negative and nasty comments recently

It seems that some people are not willing to give me a second chance

Of course when I write a post

I put myself out there for everyone to see

And with the positive

There is also negative

I understand that

And it's ok

Everyone is entitled to their opinion

And freedom of speech

But there is no excuse for smart arse comments

Written anonymously of course

I was wondering about you

Do you ever get nasty comments?

How did you deal with them?

Do you think it's best to ignore them?

Or do you reply to them?

I'd love to know......