Sunday, 10 May 2015

The day of rest.....

After we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walk
We had breakfast
And my mum and sister went straight to bed
I wasn't feeling too bad
So I went in to town 
Had a sun shower
Then met friends in the afternoon
I had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the week
And found some bits that were too small for me
So decided to give them to my friend Marie
She is smaller in height than me
So I thought they might fit her
I met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shop
I gave her the clothes
She asked me if they were too big for me
And said if they didn't fit me
They wouldn't fit her
I to get to try them anyway
As they are lovely trousers
I haven't heard yet 
If they fit her or not
But I'm pretty sure they will

I'm feeling quite paranoid these days
I'm convinced that people don't like me
Even my own friends
Paranoia is a funny thing
I think it's a disease of perception
For instance
With the trousers 
I was actually sorry I had given them to Marie
As I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than me
When I actually meant the opposite
As I was sitting with my three friends yesterday
I was thinking that none of them like me
And I was even looking for evidence to support that claim
I'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like me
And might want to be my friend
And wonder of all wonders
Might want to spend time with me
Like yesterday
I spent most of the time with my friends 
Thinking that they were taking the puss out of me
Or smirking and mailing faces behind my back
The rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinking
I mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?
It's crazy thinking
But then
When have I ever claimed to be sane?

I guess when you don't like yourself very much
It's hard to believe that others do
I believe that I am socially disabled
I am convinced that I always say the wrong thing
Or put my foot in it
I'm shy
I'm awkward 
I'm nervous in crowds
I second guess myself all the time
I over think things
And analyse everything
I tell ya 
It's exhausting
It's draining
And it's such a waste of time and energy
I need to snap out of this

I came home from meeting my friends
The tiredness still hadn't hit me
Although mum and my sister were wrecked
We watched tv for the evening
I don't remember going to bed
But obviously I did go at some point
As I woke up in my bed this morning
The exhaustion finally caught up with me
And I felt like a bear with a sore head
I got up later than usual
And made tea and chocolate for breakfast
Yes chocolate
White chocolate in fact
Six squares
I know, I know
That is a bit strange
But then that's me all over
At least I ate something right?

I turned on the tv
And promptly fell back asleep where I sat
I felt like I was under water
And trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the water
Except the water was so heavy
I couldn't quite make it
After dozing for a while
I finally managed to wake up
I got dressed
Piled the dogs in to my car
And set off for town
It was lashing rain
So I decided to go for a sun shower 
I'm probably brown enough
But I'm always thinking that it is fading
So I go again and again

I felt like the rain was easing up
So I went down to the beach
And went for a walk with the dogs
The rain got heavier and heavier
And we got absolutely soaked 
We hurried back to the car 
And headed home
I'm now sitting with a cup of hot tea
And watching Sunday morning tv

In other news
I am 9 months smoke free today
Which is huge for me!
I never thought that I would be able to give them up 
It just goes to show 
If I am determined enough
I can do anything I set my mind to

I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day
After all
Sunday is the day of rest 
Hope you enjoy your Sunday too
See you on the next post......

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Darkness To Light

This morning
Very early this morning
My mum, my sister and Honey and Lea and I all took part in the Pieta House 5km walk
We got up at 2 30am
After only a couple of hours sleep 
Braved the cold and the rain 
And headed in to town
Where the walk was starting at 4 15am
The idea was to start the walk in the darkness
And to finish just as dawn was breaking
It was very symbolic and poignant
There was a massive turn out 
The biggest yet
And it was amazing to be a part of it
As it's such a worthwhile cause
We all stayed at the back because Lea gets nervous in crowds
We were one of the last to finish in the end
My only complaint was that there was no tea or coffee left when we got back
We were cold and wet
So a cuppa would have been nice
But anyway
A good time was had by all
I am now back home
In clean dry clothes
With a cup of tea in my hand
My sister is cooking breakfast
And Honey and Lea are gone back to bed
Here are done photos from this morning.....

Friday, 8 May 2015

General Update

It's Friday 
And I am getting browner by the day
I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower
And even bought tan accelerator lotion 
Which cost €28 
And better be bloody worth it
During the summer
A tan is essential for me
It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes
I live in Ireland 
So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good
I live in hope that the sun will shine
And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder
You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?
And you are losing weight
I know I used to always tell myself 
Just ten more pounds
Just five more pounds
Just two more
Well it's similar with tanning
I think to myself
I just want to get a little bit browner
Just a teeny weeny little bit
The goal posts are always shifting
And you never get to a place where you are happy
You always want to push it that bit further

In other news
My weight seems to have stabilised 
At a BMI of 19-20
I can live with that
I can handle it
When I was a lot thinner
A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of
And the funny thing is
That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13
Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 
I was in touch with a school friend
Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab
And had relapsed days after leaving
That's the thing with relapsing
After being clean got done time
We become opiate naive
Which means that our tolerance is very low
And do the risk of overdosing massively increases
I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time
And now drugs have claimed another young life
It's just not right 
He would have been around the same age as me
His younger sister was in my class in school
It's just so sad 
As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean
But unfortunately 
Others can't get clean for us
They can't get us well
It has to come from the person
I know that if love and support could  have got me clean
I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings
And have swapped numbers with some members 
The thing about meetings 
Is that they are open to anyone
Anyone who wants to get clean and sober
There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms
Heck even I'm sick
There are people  who have an agenda
Or who just want to hook up
They say that we should stick with the winners 
People who are doing well 
And who have good recovery behind them
So that's what I try to do
I think that you get back what you put out
Do if you are sending out vibes that you use
Then you will attract that kind of person
And if you project that you are clean and sober 
I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot
It really was taking over my life
And effecting everything I did
It's a horrible place to be in 
And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 
I'm not sure why 
But in the last few days 
I feel more grounded
More steady
I feel a bit stronger in myself
More able to cope
The relief is massive 
The fact that I can talk to someone 
Or drive somewhere
Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 
Is a freakin' miracle people!
I tell ya 
It has transformed my whole life
And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 
Like I can breathe again
And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence
The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby
It's progress
I'm moving in the right direction 
At least I think I am

As in tomorrow morning 
At 4 15am
The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on
You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year
Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 
They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world
And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am
In the pitch dark 
And as we walk the light seeps in
The birds begin to sing
And it's very poignant
And very moving
I love to do this walk 
As Pieta House provide such a great service
And suicide is a huge problem in this country
Especially with young men
I think most of us have been affected by suicide 
Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life
Or maybe we ourselves have attempted
So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support
Even though we will have to get up at 3am
I still don't mind
If it helps some one 
Then it is more than worth it
And yes
I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   
Enjoy your Friday x

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Clothes Post #19

I picked up some clothes this week
As I needed an outfit for a birthday I'm attending next month 
The skirt below is Brakeburn
And the top is Protest
The hoody is Superdry
And the shoes are also Brakeburn
I am thinking of wearing the blue skirt and top to the party
The party has a hat theme
So I will have to get one at some point
I will definitely need help with that one
As I know precious little about hats

So if you have any ideas
About what kind of hat would suit me
I'd love to hear your suggestions....

Tuesday, 5 May 2015


It's Tuesday
Yesterday was a bank holiday
So as I write this 
I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors
I don't particularly like bank holidays 
There's something kind of lonely about them 
And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch
Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night
I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday
And really needed to get back on the horse
I was planning on going to an NA
But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch
Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help
From God
From my Higher Power
From whoever it is that watches over me
So I decided to give it a go
It went something like this 

Em hi it's Ruby here
But you already know that
I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 
And I only do when I need something
But I really need your help right now
Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings
Please help me put last Wednesday behind me
I really need these meetings 
So it would be great if you could sort that out
Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen
But not five minutes later 
Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting
Mmm truth is stranger than fiction
She never texts on a Monday 
As she has college
But because of the bank holiday
She was off
texted her back that I would love to go
And we arranged to meet
Was that my higher power at work?
You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm
We picked up another girl
And set off for the meeting
Which was about half an hour away
I was not looking forward to the drive
As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me
But what's new?
I never believe that anyone likes me
Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late
We slipped in the door 
And took the nearest seats
It was a women only meeting
And I was glad 
It was actually my first one 
Despite my anxiety
There was a lovely atmosphere in the room
And I felt instantly relaxed
One by one 
The speakers went around the room
It was coming up on my turn
And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one
To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly
And to not feel afraid or anxious
I spoke
As honestly as I could 
I felt only a little anxiety
And it felt amazing to talk so freely
It really was a lovely meeting
With some amazing ladies
I was so glad I went
And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home
I turned down my radio
And spoke out loud on my own in the car
Thanking my HP for pulling me through 
For helping me get to a meeting
For bringing such wonderful people in to my life
And for helping me believe in myself again
I am a believer
Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him
And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves
It never really meant that much to me
But I am beginning to see how it can help
And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 
Something bigger than me
Than all of us
That is watching over
And looking after me
I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense
But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born
That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen
To write down shopping lists and such
Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!
God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it
And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 
And I'm so glad that I went last night
It did me the world of good
I feel like I'm back on track now
Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days
And we were chatting this morning
I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week
He asked me if I am a people pleaser
I asked him if he thought I was 
He said he did
My father is the type of person who says what he thinks
And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time
He said that must be exhausting 
And it is absolutely 
I admit it
I really worry what others think of me
And do my best to get people to like me
My dad said that people pleasing backfires 
That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 
And said what was true for me
I'm thinking he is right
And it's something that I really want to work on
The fact is
That my confidence
And self esteem is on the floor
I need to build myself up
To be more sure of myself
To be able to speak my mind
And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 
I'm a prime target for bullies and the like
And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on
And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing
My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow
I just need to keep plugging away at recovery
So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you
Do you believe in God or a higher power?
How does your faith help you?
Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?
And also
Are you a people pleaser?
Or if you used to be
How did you break the cycle of it?
I would love to know.....

Monday, 4 May 2015

Come together

As you may know 
My parents are separated 
Almost 15 years now
I had just turned 19
And was in the throes of heroin addiction
It was a truly awful time in my life
My dad was drinking
And was off his head completely 
My sister just had a baby 
And was also drinking to excess
It was chaos
Looking back
I don't quite know how we all got through it

The day my parents broke up was horrible
It had been coming for a long time
But in the end 
It happened very suddenly
I remember we were at home
My mum my dad and my boyfriend
A huge row broke out
I can't remember why 
But my mum and I ended up leaving 
We had no where to go
So we checked in to a hotel
I remember I was starting a new job
In a bank in Dublin
I had to get up to catch the 6 10am train every morning
It was like a nightmare

The next few years were tough
My mum and I rented a house in a not very nice area
Then it all came out about my drug use
And the shit really hit the fan
My family really had it hard back then
Addiction damn near ripped us apart

Then in 2004
I went in to treatment for the first time
And that Christmas 
My mum moved here 
It was a chance for a fresh start 
A clean slate 
Although the next few years were also tough
What with my ED
We somehow got through it
My dad got sober
My sister got sober
And things began to look up

Fast forward to this past couple of years
And things have really improved
In every way
My family is stable
We are all on top of our various addictions and mental health issues
Most of the time
My parents can now spend time together without tearing each other's hair out
Like yesterday
My dad came down for dinner
And is staying for a couple of nights 
It's amazing that we can do that now
Be mature adults
And just get on for everyone's sake

I see my dad every few weeks
So he gets to see how I am doing
He always asks how my mood is
And how my eating is
He doesn't know about my recent relapse
As I fear  it might tip him over the edge
But we talk very openly about things mostly
Yesterday we were out in the car
And he asked me about purging
And if I am still doing that
I can't lie
I am 
It's still a problem
And even though it's a lot better than it was
There is still work to do

I guess I fall in to the trap of thinking I am doing ok
Because things have improved a lot
I forget that by any normal standards
I am still eating disordered
And purging more than once or twice a day
No matter what I tell myself
Purging is not normal 
And it's detrimental to my health

I'm doing the best I can for now
And I'll try and tackle things bit by bit
But at the moment. I am just grateful that my family is in a good place
As my mother often says 
Considering what we have been through
We are not doing to badly
Not too bad at all 

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Recipe #1 Chicken Casserole

I've never done a recipe post before
But I know some of you do regularly
So I thought I would post one today
As I am making dinner for my family
All my recipes have come from my sister
She is an amazing cook
She has a real natural flair for it
So I have picked up some tips from her since she's been home

So today's recipe is my take on chicken casserole
Or some of you may know it as chicken chasseur 
It's a love healthy, tasty one pot wonder
Easy to make
And especially welcome on a cold windy day
All the while in the beautiful apron that Bella sent me
Any excuse to wear it
Hope you enjoy......

What you need

Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Chicken breasts (I used four for five people)
2 onions
Tomato purée
Two tins of tomatoes
Two pints of beef stock
Worcester sauce
Potatoes to serve with


Fry off the chopped chicken in the oil
Cook until just done
Remove chicken to a clean plate

Dice onion, garlic and celery
Add to the pot
Chop carrots and mushrooms
Add those too

Let the veg sauté until soft
Then add the chicken back in
Season generously

Next add a few dollops of tomato purée 
Let that cook for a couple of minutes

Then add the tins of tomatoes
And beef stock
Also a few drops of Worcester sauce

Leave to bubble as long as you can

My casserole is now happily cooking
I will post an update later on when it's done