Thin

I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekend

And I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'

It was dated last summer

About two weeks before my mothers retirement do

I had carefully printed my weight

And the amount of weight I wanted to lose

I vaguely remembered writing this 

My whole family were going to be at this do

And I really wanted to look my best 

I had an orange and cream dress picked out

And it just about zipped up

My BMI was about 22

I wasn't unhappy

But I felt I should lose weight

I'm not even sure why 

My weight loss never happened though

And I went to mums do the the exact same weight 

Now there are photos all over our house of that night 

And funnily enough

People always say that I look really well in those photos 

I look bright 

Healthy 

Alive 

Now?

Well not so much 

My BMI has gone down almost five points 

I'm pale 

Wan

Sick looking 

 I any happier now that I have lost weight?

I can categorically answer no to that question 

I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days ago

My sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begun

My memory is not great at the best of times 

Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant 

And she could remember back to last November

When I spoke about wanting to lose weight

Remember the navy trousers?

They seemed to be the trigger

But really

I think it started sooner than that 

I think as far back as my holiday in September 

Things were changing

My mood was slowly but surely heading south 

I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays 

Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medication

Which led again to low mood

And that cycle continued

The navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem 

So here I am 

26 pounds lighter

And not one iota happier

All I feel is a hole in my soul

My clothes don't fit 

My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained 

I feel tired 

So very tired

Tired of playing this game 

This illness

The never ending cycle of 

Get well

Relapse 

Get well

Relapse

I swear 

More than anything else 

I am God damned bored of this illness

I want more 

I want to live my life 

To me

This illness has put my life on hold 

I had been doing well 

I had begun to take control of my own life 

I know I can get back there again 

I really believe that I can

I've battled constantly for years 

To get to the point where most people start off

But that's ok 

I don't wish my life were different

It's made me strong 

It's made my family strong

In a strange way

It has brought us closer than we've ever been

But of course 

It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with 

But I'm doing ok

We are doing ok 

So

Where to from here? 

As always 

It's baby steps 

Work with Mary

Work on the purging 

Eat little and often

Get out of the house more

Allow myself to gain a little weight

And I know along with that Will come feeling better 

I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me 

To witness my attempts to loll myself 

Because that's what an ED is

A slow suicide 

Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that 

My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment 

My old anorectic self would love this

Not anymore 

I can see the worry in her eyes

And she has enough to deal with

Without having to worry about me

I know that my family feel helpless 

There is really nothing they can do to help me

Yes they are there 

And that is a huge support

But they can't force feed me

They can't stop me from purging 

I am a grown woman 

These are choices that I make 

And there is nothing anyone can do to help me 

You would think that I would have learned over time 

That thin does not equal happiness

But I keep falling for that line 

Hook, line and sinker 

I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on me

I am only beginning to look better then

In recent years 

I have been 28-35 pounds heavier

And felt a lot better for it 

At the moment 

I feel like the wAlking dead

And I've been a lot thinner than this at times 

I can't imagine how ill I must have been then

Anyway

In other news 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He reduced my methadone by 2mls

Down to 26mls

I couldn't think of a reason to argue with him

So I went along with it 

I told him about the job interview last week 

He told me about another patient he saw recently 

Who also went for the job

She was already a home help

Working in the community with the elderly 

So she would have a lot of experience 

I guess that's what I'm up against 

Others who have a vast knowledge of the job

I am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the job

But I do have a plan B

So all is not lost 

I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my area

Where they take people with mental health issues 

To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environment

So I am excited about that 

I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of work

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Really it's my ideal job

And getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus

So 

Lots to think about 

Lots to get excited about 

If nothing else the interview was good experience 

And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve on

I guess my health is a priority at the moment 

Physical and mental 

I trust that something for me won't pass me by 

I just need to keep my eyes and ears open 

Be positive 

Open minded 

And willing to learn 

I've come so far 

I'm not going to give up yet

Not by a long shot.....

New blogs?

I am always on the look out for new blogs

Fresh blood

New writers 

Different takes on ED and addiction

Of course I love and treasure all my regular readers and their blogs 

God knows you keep me going when I feel I can't

But so many gave left blogger over the last couple of years 

Friends that meant a lot to me and other bloggers

It makes me sad

I am just hoping that these bloggers left to live a rich and fulfilled life

And don't need the support of blogger anymore 

Our community has dwindled a lot recently

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing 

And of course 

I try to read a mixture of blogs

Some who are in recovery

Some who are not 

And some who are somewhere in between 

I like to read the whole story 

From start to finish 

So 

I'm asking you my lovely readers

Maybe you have a new blog

Maybe you know of some exciting new blogs that need a bit of help and support 

Let's welcome some new writers in to our little community 

Let's show what we are all about 

Helping each other get through the tough times 

Pulling each other up

Instead of down

I've read before that some new bloggers find it hard to become part of our community

Probably because we are so tight 

And so close 

I understand that 

When I first started writing almost four years ago

I was welcomed with open arms 

Blogger was buzzing with activity back then 

And I believe it can be like that again

We can make blogger in to that thriving, exciting place it once was

Are you with me?

We desperately need to preserve our community 

We need to make sure there is always a place for the bewildered

The suffering 

The struggling 

The disordered 

The lonely 

The scared 

Blogger has saved my life over and over again 

And I want to make sure it is around for future sufferers 

So if you have a blog

Or you know of some new blogs 

Do let me know 

And we will do our best to welcome them

The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview

I had so much anxiety

And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 

Sitting on that couch 

Waiting to be called in

Was beyond nerve wracking 

I haven't felt that anxious in a long time

I thought it was funny in the interview

When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'

All I could think was 

Seriously dude

You don't know the half of it

That CV was the PG version of my life

I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past

I guess I don't look like a typical addict

But then what does an addict look like?

Really it could be any of us 

The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 

The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 

The homeless man addicted to heroin

The young student who tAkes party pills 

Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds

There really is no typical addict 

Addiction knows no boundaries

It crosses gender

Age 

Creed

Religion 

It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday

My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs

I had bangers and mash

The others both had Turkey and Ham

It was delicious 

And very welcome on a cold winters day

When I got home 

I got straight in to my pyjamas 

And took my meds 

Lit a fire 

And cozied up on the couch for the evening 

The interview was running through my head 

Over and over again on a loop

By 10pm

I was starting to nod off

So I took mused off to bed

Read about three lines of my book

Before falling in to a deep sleep 

Today 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk

Honey elected to stay in her bed

I don't blame her 

Then we went and did the food shopping 

Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 

Now

I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day

I have nothing to do

And the whole day to do it 

The interview 

If nothing else

Was a great learning experience 

I learned that I have valuable experience 

That will be perfect, maybe not for this job

But for another job 

I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 

But can push through it and get the job done 

I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 

And hopefully 

Because of that 

I will be remembered

I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers

And sell myself, my qualities and experience 

I learned that I am not a waste of space 

That all my life experience has not been in vain 

That every little thing in my life 

Has made me who I am today 

And I'm starting to see 

That I am an ok person 

Yes

I have made monumental mistakes in my time 

Sometimes I do such stupid things 

That I think I need my head examined 

But 

I have learned from every mistake 

And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 

Because everyone deserves one 

Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 

That's life

That's human 

That's growing up

If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 

I would never get anywhere 

We have to let it go

We have to  forgive ourselves

Hope others can Too

And move on

I know that I'm not a bad person

Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 

In addiction 

I was cunning, sly, manipulative 

I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 

But most people are good

It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 

Yes, they are out there 

But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news

I have given up weighing myself 

I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore

I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 

It doesn't matter what I weigh 

It really doesn't 

As long as I am not drastically underweight 

Or drastically over weight

Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 

I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 

As my clothes fit the same

I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top

As most of them are too big for me now 

So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 

I know the too skinny look is not a good one 

Health wise or aesthetically 

So I'm going to use the moderation approach 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation

That sounds like a good plan to me

And anyway 

Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 

And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks

Thanks for reading and supporting my blog

See you on the next post...

The Interview

It's Thursday evening

My interview was at 3pm

All I can say is 

Thank God that it's over

I spent a good two days preparing 

Researching the company

Having typical questions ready to go

I had picked out an outfit of a blue shirt, black trousers and a grey jacket that sinched in at the waist

But when I tried it on in the morning

My mum said that it made me look very thin

So I reverted back to the original black jacket which at least gave me a bit of shape

I spent yesterday morning going over all the information I had gathered

Put myself together as best as I could

But needless to say

I was very nervous

I decided not to take my mega until after the interview

As I wanted to be fully awake and alert

The weather was atrocious as we were leaving to go to the interview

My mother drove 

As my car is full of dog hair

I had to put a bigger coat on

As it was freezing 

We arrived at the interview about ten minutes before 

I made my way inside 

And sat on the couch outside the meeting room

I took my bigger coat off

I also had a small bag

So I was trying to sit myself in a position where it would be easy to grab both

And still have a hand free to shake hands with the interviewers

So I put my jacket and bag over my right arm 

But then realised that I shake with my right hand

So I moved all to my left arm

And literally perched on the edge of the seat

Ready to go

The previous applicant came out of the room

An older woman with, yes you've guessed it, a black suit

It seems you were right about the black suits Louisa

The manager popped her head out and said she would be with me shortly 

I was practically off the seat by this point 

Just wishing it was all over 

Two minutes later 

I was called in 

The manager introduced me to the two other interviewers

I couldn't tell you who they are

Or what their names are 

I didn't hear a word that was said 

I was so busy trying to sit down and not have a complete panic attack

The male interviewer started 

He told me about the position 

The pay

What's expected of an employee

He then turned to my application

'You've led a very interesting existence' he said 

I laughed a nervous chuckle 

We went through my work history

The dancing 

The pizzeria 

The bank

I also mentioned in my form about my writing

The man seemed very interested in my blog

And what, how and why it worked

I hope my passion and enthusiasm came across in what I do

One of the ladies asked me do I write under a nom de plume

Thankfully I knew what she was talking about 

Because I could easily have forgotten given the stress of the situation

They also asked what I could bring to the job

Do I work well as part of a team

Have I ever been in a crisis 

How did i deal with it 

Dealing with difficult people

Was there anything in my previous jobs 

I thought I could improve on

Fortunately

I had spoke to a friend who works in this area

And he really helped with 'buzz words'

I tried to speak slowly and clearly

Make good eye contact

And generally show that I am a capable and able person

Who puts 100% in to everything I do

Thankfully 

The interviewers didn't pick up on a couple of gaps in my work history

I did allude that my blog was about health and lifestyle 

But they asked no more about that 

As the interview progressed

I did relax a little 

I hope my personality came through

And I came across well

I tried to sell myself to the best of my ability

Which does not come naturally to me

As an Irish person

We are notoriously bad at putting ourselves out there

And showing what we can do

We are taught from a young age to be humble in the regard

So it is difficult in an interview 

At times

I felt like I was repeating myself 

But some of the questions were similar

So I hope that's ok

Before I knew it

It was all over 

They asked me if I was happy with the interview

Which I was 

They also mentioned that I don't have a lot of experience in this industry

And I guess that has stuck in my mind 

I did tell them about helping my elderly neighbour 

So hopefully that will go some way to helping my case

And that was it 

I thanked them

And The manager walked me out

On my way out the door I saw the next candidate 

An older man 

I was starting to wonder if I had a chance at all

Maybe they were looking for someone more mature 

I don't know

They said they will let me know one way or another next week

I got back in to the car

And my mum and I headed to a local pub 

To meet my sister for dinner

I was still wound up after the interview

I was thinking of things that I could and should have said

Going over what I did say

Did I say enough?

Was I babbling? 

Did I make any sense at all?

I would have loved some feedback from them

But I guess I can request that after I find out if I got the job or not

I had to go through the whole thing three times

Once to mum

Then to my sister 

Then my Dad who phoned while we were at dinner

Oh I forgot to say

Mary sent me a good luck text this morning

Which was so nice of her 

Everyone around me was a brilliant support 

My family 

Friends 

And you 

Who even though I have never met any of you

I felt your love and support every step of the way

So that's it

Done and dusted 

I've done all I can do 

I just have to let go of the stress and nerves

If I get it

Brilliant

If I don't

On to the next thing

And learn from this 

That was my first interview in years

So if nothing

It was a good experience 

Thank you for your continued support

You guys have been nothing short of amazing

I'd be lost without you

Preparation

So 

My interview is tomorrow at 3pm

And all systems are go to prepare for it

I sat down with my sisters and mum yesterday evening 

And went over possible questions that I may be asked 

I jotted them all down

And I also researched the charity

So I will know if I am asked

It actually seems like a really great organisation

Founded here in Ireland in 1844

They are the largest voluntary organisation

Their main goal is to help individuals and families alleviate poverty

It's such a force for good

And is something I would love to be involved in

I also rang a guy I know 

Who works in the same area

He was a great help 

And gave me some insider knowledge 

As well as key buzz words that interviewers look for 

Last night 

I sorted out my outfit 

Louisa suggested that I not wear the typical interview uniform

Black blazer

Black slacks 

And a white shirt 

This is a safe bet 

But as Louisa pointed out 

Everyone will be wearing that 

And it might be good to wear something else 

Just so I stand out 

I have a navy blue dress I could wear 

But I will make a final decision later on today

My sister pointed out that interviewers want to see personality 

And I hope I come across friendly yet professional 

Capable and able 

With a can do attitude

I hope I can show that I work well on my own and can use my initiative 

But also work well as part of a team

And can take direction well

I want to show that I am a good all rounder 

My sister alwAys says

If you wAnt something done

Ask Ruby

Because I am quick and efficient 

And get the job done 

So if I could manage to get that in

That would be great

I guess I want to sell myself 

But not come across as arrogant or over confident

Balance me thinks 

If I can communicate that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

I minght just have a chance 

 

Now it's just a waiting game 

Keep going over my notes 

Keep hoping that  I do well

Keep fighting for a better life

Interview!

I've been keeping an eye on the post this week

Hoping to hear something from the job

I was convinced that I wouldn't even get an interview

But today I got a letter

Telling me that I've been short listed for the interview

Which is on Thursday at 3pm

You guys 

I am so excited 

So grateful to have the chance to make a case for myself in person 

Now I have some work to do before Thursday

I have to find an appropriate outfit

I'm thinking slacks, white shirt, blazer and small heeled shoes 

I'll sort that out later 

And will show you photos so you can give me some feedback

I also want to go over some questions that they are likely to ask

And maybe do some research about the charity and the place itself

This is huge for me though

I haven't done a job interview in years 

But any job I have ever gone for, I have been successful 

Granted I may be a little rusty now

But I will give it my best shot 

That's all I can do

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you have any tips for interview?

Do you think I should take out my nose ring?

What would you wear to an interview?

What do you think employers look for in a candidate?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning

We had a good chat

I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control

Calm as ever

She asked me about my meals

And what I am eating of a day

Breakfast is fine

I have tea and toast 

And sit at the kitchen table

I have no problem doing this

And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 

It has become my new normal 

Lunch and dinner are more of a problem

As I tend to graze throughout the day

Rather than eating fixed meals

Dinner I eat at the table too

But it rarely stays down 

And then I'm back to square one again

I really need to do a proper meal plan

Know what I'm having to eat that day

Have the correct ingredients ready to go

And then do something afterwards

To distract myself from purging

This is all great in theory 

But in practise 

Well let's just say it's not easy

Mary said she believes in me

That I can do this 

And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting

One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 

Specifically horses

It turns out 

That a former social worker who now runs a stables

Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 

I was super excited to hear this 

It's right up my street 

So Mary is going to get the woman's number 

And I can contact her myself 

You guys 

This sounds perfect for me

And if the job doesn't work out

I can see myself doing this

Horses are a lot like dogs I think 

Very in tune with people

And have the ability to heal 

Since Mary told me about it

I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this

It has my name written on it!

Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 

If I am going to be working 

Whether in the job or with animals 

I need to keep my strength up

Eat properly

And look after myself 

I mean

I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food

It will also give my day structure and routine

As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence

I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out

I would be glad of either

Or even both 

I think volunteering 

Or working 

Will also provide me with a feel good factor

One job is helping the elderly 

The other is helping animals 

Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost

I just can't wait to get started!

But at the same time

I don't want to get my hopes up too high

Just in case they don't turn out

And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D

So I have something to fall back on

And have all bases covered 

In other news 

I'm managing to hold steady with my weight

And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks

It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 

You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 

But no

It's always the face

And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady

I spoke with Mary this morning

And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week

Which is doable I think

My target weight in hospital was 54kg

And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 

And where I feel most comfortable 

I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 

And when I had a bit more weight on me

I was actually beginning to like it

But really and truly 

It's not about weight at all

It's just a symptom of a greater problem

It's a side effect of the illness

And I know I don't look well 

My cheeks are sunken 

Dark circles under my eyes 

And a pale pallor 

There is nothing pretty about that 

There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day

This life is nothing to aspire to

It's a dead end 

And once you fall down the rabbit hole

It is nigh on impossible to get out 

But 

In saying all this 

I still feel positive 

And hopeful

I am lucky

I have my family and Mary

People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 

Because if it wasn't for them

I would have fallen apart long ago

I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 

I don't take them for granted 

And every day 

I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 

When someone holds your hands so tightly 

Looks you dead in the eyes

And tells you with such conviction

That you will be ok

It's hard to argue with that 

So today

I say the very same thing to you

Instead of holding you 

And speaking to you

I type these words 

With all the strength and conviction I can muster 

That you 

Yes you

You will be alright 

You will get through this 

And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 

This I promise you

So please 

I ask you 

To keep holding on 

Keep hanging in there 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

I will if you will 

Pinkie promise.....?